I recently had a Lobster request a blog about why guys over 25 are afraid to commit. I've racked my brain trying to come up with an answer, but I'm really not sure. This is partly because I haven't personally had to deal with that and mostly because I am not a single 25 year old guy. But here are my guesses:
1. They think someone who looks like...umm...who do guys think is really hot these days? Katy Perry? Beyonce? Claudia Schiffer? Sure, let's go with Claudia Schiffer. They think that someone who looks like Claudia Schiffer and acts like Mother Theresa and cooks like Paula Deen will come along any minute.
2. They are afraid they won't get to play enough WOW or Black Ops or Frisbee Golf.
3. They think they need to have their whole life figured out before they can even have a girlfriend.
4. They're afraid of babies.
5. They are babies.
6. They think all women will try to change them.
7. They have parental issues or [insert psycho babble here].
8. They actually aren't afraid of commitment and just haven't met the right girl yet.
9. They know that if they get married, they'll have to stop sleeping with their teddy bear. Or stuffed monkey. Or blankie.
10. They are being controlled by an evil overlord/puppetmaster who threatens to smite them if they ever settle down.
Again, I don't know much about this subject. Any other Lobsters want to weigh in? Ooo...any commitmentphobic Lobsters want to weight in?
i think it's a combination of 2, 3, 4, 6, and 8. mostly 3. yeah, mostly 3. figuring things out is a good idea, but who ever has their life figured out? but i am not a 25 year old male either. and i'm sure it very much depends on the person.
ReplyDeleteOn behalf of Adam McLane whose comment was devoured by the evil inter-web-monsters:
ReplyDeleteAdam wrote: "I left a long comment and your site ate it. :( First, I see as many men as I do women unable to land the plane on a relationship. People would rather be picky than commit to someone who might possibly maybe not be right for them. (Which is dumb IMO, we're all wrong for each other somehow.) I think there are 3 primary factors in this thing we call "extended adolescence." 1. Expectations - we don't expect people under say... 25 to be responsible for anything significant. 2. Freedom - We've removed all expectation and then taken away lots of freedoms. Did you know that an inmate has more personal freedom than a high school student? UCSD did the research, insane. 3. Parents - I've met countless parents with adult children in their 20s who are co-dependent on their children. So those are my quick thoughts (for the 2nd time!)"
I'm actually super fascinated by this question. I wonder if Adam [comment above] is right - that there is an equal willingness [or lack there of] in this age bracket to commit - but isn't it interesting that we feel like the responsibility falls on the shoulders of the guys? I was recently given some "positive reinforcement" around being a mother because someone heard on NPR that men get more public positive reinforcement than women around parenting - because the expected responsibility generally falls on women, so it feels like men are going above and beyond. Might we need to apply a similar principle to commitment? Give some guys some more positive reinforcement in this area, if we are going to continue to put the responsibility all on them?
ReplyDeleteTo follow up on this from Facebook:
ReplyDelete"You provide alot of external explanations - aka excuses? - for guys, and yet, where were you at 25 as far as commitment status is concerned? why were you able to commit, and these other guys can't. well, obviously, there is the small detail of the fact that you found the gem that is Kristen Tucker McLane and were smart enough to seal that deal while you could - but other than that [because I know too many other gems that remain un-snatched-up] . . . are you really so generationally separated? is there no responsibility on the 25-year-olds for their own decisions? or is it simply an out-moded expectation to settle down at all - people they see settling down rarely stay that way, why invest in such emotional/financial/physical/total risk for something that appears to have so little pay off??"
+ What made me different? For all the things my parents didn't do right, they drilled into us from an early age that we weren't supposed to depend on them forever. There was an expectation that we'd be independent at 18 years old. My older brother joined the military, I left for college. Neither of us had expectations that our parents would provide for us indefinitely. Consequently, both of us had jobs and worked our way towards grown-up things. It started at about 11-12 when we got babysitting gigs, mowed lawns, etc. By high school we had to buy our own cars, etc. I don't know if that made us wholly different than our peers, but we took responsibility for ourselves.
+ I committed to Kristen early (we got married at 21) because I believe that's what God wants. I remember telling my dad I was getting married and he said... Why don't you wait until you're 25 or something like that? For me, she was the right person and waiting was dumb. Some of my peers are just settling down in their mid-30s. I don't know what went wrong there, I just know I met the right person and realized God's best wasn't to keep looking for someone else.
+ Is there no responsibility for people under 25? Many smarter people have said a lot about this. I'd recommend Teen 2.0 to you. And the flip side is the study of Emerging Adulthood. In fact, I'm hosting a symposium on this very subject this fall in Atlanta! http://extendedadolescence.eventbrite.com/
+ Is there no expectation that people will settle down? Isn't that really a question of sexual freedom? While I know plenty of people who love the idea of being able to ditch a partner or to not commit, I think we're hard-wired to desire a single life partner. Somewhere along the line our society bought into a lie that promiscuity equals freedom. I think age/wisdom tends to reveal that sexual freedom isn't really freedom at all. I think both men and women desire security... and there's no security without a common bond IMO.
Cool discussion. I know TONS of singles and I wonder why they aren't "settling down" or finding someone. It's a complex question. As a Christian, I'm reminded that Jesus' only requirement for a spouse is that they share the same faith. It feels like churches need to teach that.
Wow - didn't know this would drum up so much discussion. Thanks for trying to solve all of [my] life's questions.
ReplyDeleteI think 2,3,4,5, and 8 are pretty accurate. And, they brought a smile to my face.
Adam - your 3 points were fascinating. Is anyone else familiar with Emmy Werner's resilience research? In high risk children, the three factors that make resilience possible are 1) high expectations 2) opportunities for making meaningful contributions 3) the presence of a caring adult. Exactly your three instincts about what's missing for commitment-phobic 20-somethings.
ReplyDeletePer committing to Kristen, knowing it was God's best - are too many people just holding out for something better? the better satruday evening plan, the better looking partner, the better job, etc. how do we think about "settling" in a healthier light?
expectations about people settling down - i'm not so much thinking about sexual freedom as relational security. our culture can make no believable promises about the emotional security of settling down, or that it is worth the psychological risks - so how to we convince any 20-something to the contrary?
still dying to hear from a 20-something single male, or a married older male who was single at this time - to give us a more personal perspective on what's going on from their side of things!