Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Becoming Attached

During my move, I finished reading a book called Becoming Attached by Robert Karen, Ph.D. It's not exactly a light weight summer read. It's an extensive history from Freud to the mid-1990's of the research and political debate around the psychological theory of Attachment. But honestly, the writing and stimulation made it the source of the most fun I've had in ages. 


Attachment theory was born out of the research, curiosity, and work of John Bowlby. It created a huge shift in thinking amongst many psychologist from the idea of a person's well-being fully centering within the individual to having a great deal to do with a person's quality and history of relationships. As I've mentioned before, for me, almost all things come back to our relationships. And if it hadn't been for Bowlby and the crew, there would be little valid intellectual space for us to discuss such an idea and its implications. 


While this book was lying around my abode, several female friends or relatives would notice it.  Inevitably, I would hear a comment to the effect of, "I don't think I would like to read this book. It would just make me feel guilty for all the ways I messed up as a mother." And I imagine the non-mothers who noticed it [or are reading this post right now] thought, "I don't need to read that, it's about mothering and I'm not a mom." To the second point, it is about relationships. We all have mothers, and we all have relationships, and this book is written so artfully, I think non-mothers should seriously consider it. To the first point, that is a very valid fear, but Karen holds that fear with such grace that I would invite perhaps even the most guilt-ridden mothers to consider checking it out. It might provide you with some much needed grace.


There was a point at which it occurred to me that I had two plans for my future in my head:


1) Have a stunning, entrepreneurial career where my leadership provides significant help to people and community.


2) Have a beautiful family with a husband and children that are my 100% full time concern and priority, undistracted by work of any kind until my children leave the home. 


Somehow, it took years before I realized these two pictures - as I envisioned them in my head - were mutually exclusive and in great tension. But I was so thoroughly perplexed about where this fierce tension was coming from. Who were the voices telling me one option was good, another was bad, vice versa, and that they were so entirely mutually exclusive?? My mother both stayed home for a time and worked for a time. I had been both encouraged in my academic pursuits and in my desires for a family. Everything I could look to had been so uplifting, where was the animosity coming from that I feared so much? 


In reading this book, Karen put names and stories to those voices. He shows how convoluted scientific research can really be when subjected to political forces and personal priorities and fears. He sheds light on the debate between stay-at-home and working moms. I felt relief both by the story being told, but also by the way Karen weaves his own comforting voice into the story to make it one of encouragement and support to all mothers, whichever side they may fall on in the debate. Should you miss out on the wonderful experience of reading it for yourself, let me tell you what 2 key morals I gleamed from the story. 


Moral #1: We need to take the sole responsibility of human development off of the shoulders of mothers. Not because mothers have better things to do in the marketplace [key word being "better"], but because it is such a significant job that no single human being can carry the burden alone. It takes a full time investment, and then some. This response both profoundly validates the hard and exhausting hours I pour into my daughter, and also frees me to seek support, partnership, and relief. It gives so much honor to the sacrifices my husband makes to spend time with my baby, as much as it defies certain gender roles. It invites my parents and in-laws and sister and friends into the work in a significant way. And it helps get me off the hook as being the only person to blame if Sofia should ever commit any trespass. So, whether you are a mom or not, if there is a child in your midst, you have a weighty opportunity to play a role in developing a constructive future citizen. 


Moral #2: Moms have GOT to quite pointing fingers at one another. For a great gift for a new mom, go out and buy the Must have Mom's Manual - its a great guilt reliever as you stress out about how to do everything right, because it has two mom's talking about their different styles of parenting and supporting each others' different choices. We need so much more of this! We all divide up into our groups according to working-moms vs. stay-at-home-moms vs. work-at-home-moms, or breast feeding vs. formula, or what have you. This book gave me a sense that we all have a common enemy and that we should be supporting one another instead of tearing each other down. 


Ok, that's all very heavy, but I hope it is encouraging and thought provoking. I hope you'll consider checking the book out for yourself. I'd love to hear how these ideas and voices have impacted you. If it is too personal to comment here, please know you can always reach Emily and I at: claws@longdistancelobsters.com. Happy relationship-ing Lobsters! 


For some other thought provoking reading on the role of mother, you might also enjoy these links:


Motherhood as Vocation from Q Ideas
Difficult Questions: Part 1 and 2 from me 


P.S. Today, I have a particularly acute need for some prayer - from those of you who pray - for my willingness to actually seek that support, cause I really need some lately, but I have a lot of trouble reaching out. K, thanks.

2 comments:

  1. Prayers being offered. You've been on my mind lately and I've been curious of what S is up to. I always looked to her to see what J would do next. :) He's crawling now!

    P.S. Have you thought about starting a local book club with the above books?

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  2. Thank you Kristen! Way to go J! I'll have to post a good full update - but she only just started crawling a few days ago.

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