Hey Lobsters, did you by any chance also have a mom who told you it was the quality of your friends that mattered, not the quantity? Well I’m here to tell you, quantity does indeed matter.
Once upon a time I studied abroad in Sri Lanka for about six weeks. Among plenty of the other cultural contrasts I stumbled upon was their view of romance. It highlighted for me that we Americans believe that One person will fulfill all of our wildest dreams and meet all of our plethora of needs. After six years of marriage to the man I believe to be the universe’s greatest husband, I’m here to tell you, that’s a load of malarkey.
As human beings, we have a wide range of needs. My husband loves and provides for me in an incredible number of ways, and I also have needs that I need my mother to meet, and my sister, and my pastor, my teachers, my daughter, my friends, my father, my grandfather, my grandmother, my community group members, my neighbors, my car insurance guy . . . you get the point. All these other people meet needs in my life and in my heart that aren’t holes Manny is designed to fill – either because of who he is or because of the role he plays in my life. So I am the kind of girl who needed a husband [plenty of you may not even have that particular need], but I also need a whole community of support.
This is true with friends too. When Emily and I first became roommates, she really was my one and only friend. It did not take long at all for me to see that there was no way that could make for a sustainable friendship. She had a job, a boyfriend, other friends, and I couldn’t just tag along like a sick puppy everywhere she went (don’t think I didn’t try). So there’s point one, no single friend deserves the burden of supplying all your friendship needs and wants.
Fortunately, Emily had several friends. She introduced me to her best friend, Nate (now one of my best friends), who provided me with lots of opportunities to hang out with his other friends (this is how I met my husband by the way!) and so on until I had a nice slew of friends. And it seems that anywhere I go with Emily, I’m meeting new people that I instantly love and admire. Her sister Jenna, her husband Jeff, all her bridesmaids, her former roommate Mikkelle, her videographer friend Tabitha, . . . you get the point. I was always taught that in order to have friends, you had to be a good friend, but apparently, having friends in and of itself helps too! [point two]
Point the last: no one friend CAN meet all your needs for friendship. I need Emily to make me laugh, inspire me to write, give it to me straight, and entertain me with her fantastic voice and ukulele skills. But I need other friends with whom I can cry in movies [Emily has maybe done this – what – twice in her life? I do it in nearly every movie], enjoy a good cup of tea [Emily’s caffeine intake comes exclusively from Diet Pepsi], talk on the phone [Emily will do this out of love – but I know she doesn’t enjoy it]. And I need my friends that I can see in person on a regular basis. To say that Emily’s inability to meet any of these needs is any sort of failure on her part as a friend is entirely erroneous. I need her to be who she is, and I need others to be who they are.
As I piece together and appropriate quantity of quality friendships, I find I am surrounded by a beautiful community – comforting and challenging me in all sorts of ways. It really feeds my ego to be needed in a big way by someone. But I really believe we are designed for community – not just pairing off. When I love this way, I’m more likely to get more of my needs met – and when others love me this way, I’m less likely to feel the pressure to deliver what I can not authentically and sustainably offer.
Are you expecting too much from one friend? What friendships could you forge or strengthen to get more of your own needs met and start putting into practice some of your own untapped gifts and talents to meet needs in others?
No comments:
Post a Comment