Monday, September 8, 2014

Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Here's the second installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 31 year-old watching the Star Wars films for the first time ever:


  • This opens with scrolly exposition too. I keep briefly thinking "What, did they make this in iMovie?"
  • Hoth, I have heard of you.
  • Kangaroo dinosaur ram, you don't look like you should live in cold climates.
  • Abominable snowman from Matterhorn?! Disneylaaaaand.
  • Han has already said "Chewie" more times in this film than in the entirety of the last one.
  • One...two...three...FOUR looks from Leia to Han fraught with meaning.
  • These braids are much more becoming than those ear muff buns, Princess. 
  • Ha, I thought that stalactite guy was using the Force to get a soda. It was a light saber.
  • What is with people using light sabers to cut off arms?! At least this time it's for survival.
  • Dude, you are screwed. FOG.
  • Why can C3P0 feel cold but he doesn't feel pain when his limbs get torn off? Sub-question: why doesn't C3P0 just put on a coat?
  • Aw, Chewie's sad.
  • Oh, circle fade. Classy.
  • What?! That was Luke the whole time?! Seriously thought he was a disposable extra.
  • Mark Hamill's acting abilities have remained consistent from the last film to this one.
  • Holy cow, that's a gross way to stay warm.
  • Mark Hamill's hair has remained consistent from the last film to this one.
  • "Laser brain." Classic.
  • "Laugh it up, fuzz ball." These insults are so witty. Wow.
  • "Nerf herder." What does that mean? That's the name of the band that does the Buffy theme music.
  • Wow, Leia blatantly kissing Luke to just to make Han jealous. She has the emotional maturity of a lamp.
  • IMPERIAL MARCH.
  • I'd like to think that there's an imperial soldier with the title "Lead Darth Vader helmet shiner" and he's darn good at his job.
  • I want to hug Chewie too! Did Luke just scratch his neck like he's a puppy?
  • How long after the first movie does this take place?
  • Ooo Darth's pod thingy is neat.
  • Darth can The Force those guys via Skype?!
  • My informants here tell me the best battle of the movie is about to happen.
  • I'm sorry, does C3P0 keep changing colors?
  • Are the oompa loompa soldiers cheering about going into battle? That seems unhealthy. "WOOO! We might die right now!"
  • Oh, guy in Luke's vehicle. You are doomed.
  • Imperial walkers look cool, but those long legs seem impractical.
  • Ohhhh...they have legs so Luke could provide an easy solution to destroy them.
  • Oh, guy in Luke's vehicle. Predictably, you have died.
  • They're just going to trip those giant, impenetrable machines? Yeah, okay.
  • Don't yell at Chewie, Han!
  • K, Luke. Just fight the imperial walker with your bare hands. No big deal.
  • Oh my gosh, I was kidding, Luke.
  • Sometimes Darth is intimidating, but sometimes I picture that underneath that costume is a sweaty comic book nerd with a mullet "bum-bum-bumming" the imperial march to himself.
  • Leia has clearly never been on Star Tours. Of course Han's going through the asteroids.
  • Now Han is just showing off. You're a good pilot. We get it.
  • I think Luke just landed in a scene from The Neverending Story.
  • I'm betting that R2D2 can't swim.
  • I was wrong.
  • Swamp creature'd!
  • Did R2D2 just get thrown up and then throw up?
  • Darth Vader's skin!
  • I love "this building/vehicle is shaking...whoOAa" acting.
  • Yesss...find Yoda, Luke!
  • "Did he say to find yogurt?" - Eiley
  • What! Is Yoda voiced by Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear?!
  • I'm super disappointed. Yoda isn't as cute as I thought he'd be.
  • Can one use the Force on a robot?
  • Jeff just got defensive when I told him Yoda wasn't as cute as I'd anticipated: "I think he's frickin' adorable." 
  • Ooo. Loooove music. Or just Leia music? No, love music. Whoa, she's trembling. Keep it PG, Harrison.
  • KISS.
  • C3P0 is a master moment killer.
  • Wait! Who's this creeper that Darth bows to?
  • Is Darth Vader also Annikin Skywalker?
  • I hope R2D2 doesn't rust.
  • Yoda has a cozy little Hobbit hole.
  • Is Ben's...aura...floating around haunting people?
  • I wish Yoda would wiggle his ears like Sloth from Goonies.
  • Sucky cave monster!
  • Oh, dear. They were in a sand worm from Beetlejuice.
  • Yoda backpack!
  • Is Luke supposed to be listening to Yoda monologuing?
  • There should be a Jedi training montage.
  • Now I have "Eye of the Tiger" in my head.
  • DARTH VADER.
  • LIGHT SABERS.
  • BEHEADING.
  • LUKE BEHEADING...himself? Wait, what? And why is Yoda so smug about that?
  • Lizard imperial soldier out of nowhere.
  • Yes. I am so ready for light speed.
  • Thanks for telling C3P0 to shut up, Leia.
  • Bless that guy's heart. "I'll apologize to Vader." Pro tip, dude: Defect.
  • Didn't Luke move a blaster with the Force on Hoth earlier? Oh, Yoda's trying to get him to Force his vehicle. That's heavier.
  • So Luke begs Yoda to teach him then gives up after like two lessons? "You want the impossible." Whine, sulk, pout.
  • Yoda's showing how it's done. Oh, snap.
  • Does using the Force require energy?
  • "I don't believe it." "That...is why you fail."
  • Told you to defect, dummy.
  • What's C3P0 even there for?
  • Lando Calrissian is an awesome name.
  • Does Luke have to do a handstand to use the Force? Because that's going to make using it to fight really awkward.
  • Yes, eventually Han and Leia will die, Luke. I can't see the future, but their mortality seems fairly obvious.
  • Something terrible happens every time they say everything's going to be okay.
  • Oh, phew. Exception! Lando friendship!
  • Whoa. Down, boy.
  • Is it okay that I don't really care that C3P0 just got blasted?
  • I'm confused - is Luke going to fight Vader with the Force? Or a light saber? Or both?
  • Why does Leia hate everyone?
  • Lando is a super creeper.
  • TWIST! Vader in the dining room.
  • Oh, shoot. Judging by the music, I am supposed to care about C3P0.
  • Han Solo torture!
  • Lando, don't talk back to Vader.
  • "I feel terrible." - first line I genuinely laughed at.
  • I keep thinking about Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls complaining that this all comes down to who has higher ground, and I'm curious about how that'll come into play.
  • "I love you." "I know." Ohhh...that explains my cousin's tattoo. Ha! 
  • Do people actually expect Vader to keep his word?
  • That shot of Luke meeting Darth Vader for the first time is legit chilling.
  • Light saber fight!
  • Why are we strangling the guy who just released us, Chewie?
  • I like legless C3P0 more.
  • Why doesn't Luke blaster Vader?
  • What just happened? Does Luke think a little fall killed Vader?
  • Luke is phoning this fight in.
  • It bugs me that I have no idea what the plan is here other than "run around the building shooting blasters and pressing any buttons on the walls that we find."
  • Is Vader trying to kill Luke or turn him evil?
  • Luke. Your hand fell off.
  • "I'm your father." 
  • "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE." I found Hamill's delivery of this line brilliant...ly hilarious.
  • Cutting off someone's hand is probably not the best tactic to persuade them to join your team.
  • Luke Skywalker: Really brave or really dumb?
  • Crying out to one's hallucination for help has to be rock bottom. Oh, we switched to crying out for Leia. Much better.
  • Please let Luke just plop down into the Falcon's moonroof.
  • Hahaha...YESSSS.
  • Where is Han? Still cryogenically frozen somewhere with Vader?
  • My desire to see light speed is pretty intense, and I keep getting disappointed. They make it look so easy at Disney.
  • What! Is Vader brainwashing Luke?
  • I love the way James Earl Jones says "DEStinyyy."
  • LIGHT SPEED. FINALLY.
  • Is there a maximum distance Vader can reach with the Force? Why doesn't he just relax in a hammock and strangle all his enemies?
  • Cyber hand looks real.
  • Wait, do we know Luke and Leia are bro/sis now?
  • Seriously, where did Han go?
  • This movie has zero resolution!
  • Hey, cool, John Ratzenberger was in this.
Conclusion: This was a fun movie. It bothers me that people pronounce Han and Falcon differently. That's all.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Movie Review Monday: Star Wars IV (from an adult seeing it for the first time)

Okay, it's not Monday, but that used to be the day we'd review movies and I was so excited to actually have blog fodder that I couldn't wait to post this. Check out more concise Movie Reviews here.

I caved and watched Star Wars IV: A New Hope for the first time in my life last night. Jeff was nearly giddy with excitement. He met up with our friend Will at a coffee shop to get the DVDs, which is how I imagine upscale drug deals probably happen too. I thought all of you Star Wars fans might be interested to know the inner monologue of a 31 year-old watching it for the first time, so I wrote notes. Nine pages of scribbled notes. Eiley asked me what I was drawing at one point. I'm giving you my unedited stream of consciousness, so you might have no idea what I'm talking about some of the time, and I will look like an idiot some of the time* (I refuse to take time to Google how to spell some of these names, for example), but I'm fine with that. Laugh at me freely, nerd bombs.

  • The amount of exposition in the scrolly intro thing seems like lazy screenwriting. Show don't tell, right? 
  • Stormtroopers look awesome.
  • Why is C3P0 British? If one robot is British, why can't the other even speak English?
  • Alderon? Rebel who what? What is James Earl Jones talking about?
  • The mice from Cinderella seem to have mutated and are wearing cloaks. Those are definitely their voices.
  • Hey, there's Wall-E (or maybe Number 5?), the scary trash can from The Wiz, and one of the guys from Daft Punk. 
  • Those lizard dinosaurs are disgusting.
  • Desert igloo?
  • Is Luke Skywalker a teenager?! I always thought he was a strong, heroic MAN, not a whiny manchild.
  • I miss Disneyland.
  • "He looks like the Wizard of Oz [Tin Man]. Maybe that's his problem." - Eiley about C3P0 
  • R2D2 is adorbs.
  • "I think that princess is in trouble." - Eiley
  • Is Obi Wan Kenobi Luke's father? (*Sidenote: It's astounding how long it took me to realize what a dumb thought that was.)
  • Sweet fanny pack, Luke!
  • Who are all the "sad people"? Luke just said that it's dangerous to leave in the dark with all the sad people around.
  • These people speak in belches! Neat. Or...gross.
  • Oh, sand people. Not sad people.
  • Wait, it's not belching. It's seal barking.
  • "I hope he doesn't kill him, and I hope he doesn't die." - Eiley, referring to a sand person and Luke
  • That guy is totally Obi Wan K. Why did uncle and aunt lie and say he was dead?
  • Is Ben Kenobi the same as Obi Wan? Oh, nope. Ben's clearly unsettled by the name Obi Wan. OH. THE SAME. Emotional Obi Wan roller coaster!
  • Obi Wan really enunciates Light. Saber. the first time, like he's giving a vocabulary lesson.
  • Oh, hey. More exposition.
  • Whoa, I just remembered that Vader is Luke's father. Spoiler'd!
  • I can't remember if Luke and Leia are bro/sis or Han and Leia.
  • Oh, please. Luke's resistance to go on this adventure is really half-hearted. He clearly is all in.
  • Are these actors doing voices on purpose or is it just the 70s acting style?
  • Oh, crap. The Force is no joke. Don't cross Darth.
  • Well, that's what Luke's aunt and uncle get for lying about Obi Wan being dead.
  • Torture robot?
  • I'm actually pretty impressed with the special effects so far. I was prepared to fully mock. Better than most Syfy channel shows. (Sidenote: Jeff later informed me that this was not a fully original edition - some things were improved.)
  • Ben totally just Jedi-ed those Stormtroopers.
  • Chewbacca! I hope he's a good guy. He's cute.
  • Calm down, Obi Wan. Cutting an arm off in a bar fight seems a bit extreme. Geez.
  • Harrison Ford comes in at 47.53 minutes. Almost halfway through the movie. Interesting!
  • I've even heard of the Millennium Falcon, Obi Wan.
  • Should I call him Obi Wan or Ben?
  • Have they even introduced Chewie yet?
  • I think Groot and Chewbacca would be such sweet friends.
  • "I felt a great disturbance in the Force." Some of these lines are so iconic that they are strange to hear.
  • I wonder if Mr. Miyagi was inspired in part by Obi Wan.
  • "That small moon" is the Death Star, guys. Even I know that.
  • John Williams is brilliant.
  • That soldier just said "jettisoned" twice in a row. It's a nice word.
  • Did Han just pet Chewbacca? I still don't think we've heard his name, just that he's a Wookie.
  • I want to see some Ewoks. What's the deal?
  • Guys. Mark Hamill is a terrible actor. But he has nice hair.
  • Chewie is TALL. Is that a full suit? Or part suit, part makeup?
  • I can't put my finger on why, but some of these actors, including Harrison, seem like they've never held a gun before.

  • Are Obi Wan and Darth brothers?
  • What's Darth's motive? Why is he all evil?
  • Those storm trooper uniforms seem hard to run in.
  • Princess, you can't look badass while holding your blaster like a sissy.
  • I think I've seen a parody or homage to every scene so far except this trash room one. This is the first truly fresh scene for me.
  • Way to throw the troopers off the trail, C3P0!
  • "One thing's for sure - we're all gonna be a lot thinner." - Han. "GROAN." - me.
  • Did they really think pushing against the trash compactor walls would be effective?
  • Pretty sure Liam Neeson is way taller than this Obi Wan.
  • Whoa. Leia's totally into Han.
  • Farmer Luke is pretty good with a gun.
  • Wilhelm scream!
  • Rope swing for the win!
  • The footsteps foley is getting hilarious.
  • Light saber fight time. YES.
  • I see why people like to pretend they have light sabers. This is awesome. 
  • That's not actually James Earl Jones, right? He was never that skinny, right?
  • Ben Kenobi, NOOOOO! He's not really dead. That was way too anticlimactic.
  • How long is Leia's hair?! Those buns.
  • Is that old Nazi dude Darth Vader's boss?
  • "Princess" sounds like a curse word coming out of Han.
  • I legit just thought the rebels were Oompa Loompas. Same outfits.
  • If R2D2 gets destroyed I will be LIVID.
  • I haven't had a coherent thought in 5 minutes, which must mean this little space battle is awesome.
  • Wait...when did Darth get in his aircraft?
  • Wooooooo STAR TOURS! I continue to miss Disneyland!
  • Oh, no. Luke's Goose got blown up.
  • Death Star explosion!
  • R2D2 NOOOOOO! Aw, C3P0 has feelings.
  • Oh, hey. That answers my Leia hair length question.
  • R2D2 is so shiny.
  • Boom. Heroes.
Conclusion: I was expecting cheesier than this. I enjoyed it (I mean, it was no GotG, but that movie wouldn't have happened without Star Wars), and it was also surreal to have more context for countless parodies and homages I've seen over the years. My only complaints are the terrible acting and lack of Ewoks and Yoda. But I suppose I have those to look forward to in subsequent films.