Blank Canvas

"To everything, turn, turn, turn,
There is a season, turn, turn, turn . . . "

You are welcome for getting that song stuck in your head for the rest of today ;). I remember years ago, a friend of mine was getting married and feeling stressed out about the huge transition she was experiencing in her life. She was letting go of one way of life and waiting to enter into another. She described the anxiety of her season as being like the moment when a trapeze artist is hanging in the air between two bars - nothing to hold onto, no place to plant her feet, just flying and trusting in God to guide her hands to that next bar before gravity overtook her.

I feel a bit of peace these days, as if I've managed to grasp that next bar and enjoy a good, confident, safe swing. This after about a year and a half of hanging mid-air. Waiting to see if my thesis could get finished, if I would actually be able to graduate [a more challenging crisis for me than for most due to some special administrative circumstances], to see if I could get pregnant, to see if Manny would get a job, to see if the pregnancy would go smoothly, to see if we could make community in less than a year in San Diego, to see if Sofia would survive the first few high-risk months without succumbing to SIDS, to finally see what our new home would be like when we moved to Maine. And we're here, I graduated with my thesis, and Manny is employed, and Sofia is alive and well. So, now what?

Here I am swinging on my trapeze, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And I'm not quite sure what my next move should be. It's no longer a matter of trying desperately to squeeze in some developmentally stimulating activity time for Sofia, we have the whole day for her to learn and grow. So what do I do?? The house is generally unpacked, now what do I do with all this stuff and box-free-space? There are no more huge milestones to work towards and past, like a birth or a move. A relief, yes. But this is a new season. A new challenge. A blank canvas.

A blank canvas presents its own opportunities and its own fears. I am free, but for what - I don't yet know. It is time to find a new structure, settle into a new routine, explore new territory. I am excited, anticipatory, disoriented, and a bit unsure.