Blank Canvas

"To everything, turn, turn, turn,
There is a season, turn, turn, turn . . . "

You are welcome for getting that song stuck in your head for the rest of today ;). I remember years ago, a friend of mine was getting married and feeling stressed out about the huge transition she was experiencing in her life. She was letting go of one way of life and waiting to enter into another. She described the anxiety of her season as being like the moment when a trapeze artist is hanging in the air between two bars - nothing to hold onto, no place to plant her feet, just flying and trusting in God to guide her hands to that next bar before gravity overtook her.

I feel a bit of peace these days, as if I've managed to grasp that next bar and enjoy a good, confident, safe swing. This after about a year and a half of hanging mid-air. Waiting to see if my thesis could get finished, if I would actually be able to graduate [a more challenging crisis for me than for most due to some special administrative circumstances], to see if I could get pregnant, to see if Manny would get a job, to see if the pregnancy would go smoothly, to see if we could make community in less than a year in San Diego, to see if Sofia would survive the first few high-risk months without succumbing to SIDS, to finally see what our new home would be like when we moved to Maine. And we're here, I graduated with my thesis, and Manny is employed, and Sofia is alive and well. So, now what?

Here I am swinging on my trapeze, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And I'm not quite sure what my next move should be. It's no longer a matter of trying desperately to squeeze in some developmentally stimulating activity time for Sofia, we have the whole day for her to learn and grow. So what do I do?? The house is generally unpacked, now what do I do with all this stuff and box-free-space? There are no more huge milestones to work towards and past, like a birth or a move. A relief, yes. But this is a new season. A new challenge. A blank canvas.

A blank canvas presents its own opportunities and its own fears. I am free, but for what - I don't yet know. It is time to find a new structure, settle into a new routine, explore new territory. I am excited, anticipatory, disoriented, and a bit unsure.

What should I read next?

What are your greatest fears? Public speaking? Showing up in public naked on accident? Death? 


You know what I'm really afraid of? Being stuck somewhere without paper and pen to write with and a book to read. Seriously. My husband always makes fun of me for how I pack. Even if we're just going somewhere overnight, I have to pack multiple books - so I have a book I'm actually in the mood to read. Sometimes you want a beautiful thought provoker, sometimes you want some silly brainless fun, but then there's always the random wild card. 


Maybe you can understand that having to put all my books away into boxes in preparation for our move, I'm feelin' pretty anxious. Granted I've got enough pages on my current book to last me probably until and through the move - just the thought that I could finish and not have enough books available makes me start to grind my teeth.


I used to be a compulsive book buyer. I currently have multiple boxes of books in three different cities. That's after several sessions of trying to go through them and take as many as possible to used book stores. 


[sidebar: One of my favorite literary passages is in Italo Calvino's If On a Winter's Night a Traveler, where the author walks you through a book store, not categorized by genres, but organized instead according to your experiences with books - probably inspired High Fidelity's autobiographical organization of albums. I can't do it justice, you should check it out for yourself.] 


Recognizing that I had a problem, I made a rule for myself a while ago that I had to read three books before I was allowed to buy another one, and that helped me curb the habit. I hardly ever buy books anymore, but that means that when I do, they really better be worth it. 


If you can remotely identify with me on any of this, you can perhaps share my excitement when I read Joanna Goddard's tip on this website that helps you figure out what to read next. It's like getting lost in a rabbit trail of movie trailers, checking out potential books to dive into. This is doing wonders to calm some of my weird anxieties. 


But here's the thing, I can't just trust a website, I need some testimonials to help me out. So while I'm dreaming about the day when I'll let myself buy my next book, you can help me make a good choice by giving me some input. 


Some recent books I've read and enjoyed lead to some potential suggestions:



1) Divisadero by Michael Ondaatje. One of my favorite authors, Ondaatje's background as a poet clearly comes through in his prose. He's from Sri Lanka, where I studied abroad, and a good portion of the book takes place in the Bay Area, my most recent home. He pays beautiful homage to place while spinning riveting character development throughout an unconventional plot structure. 


Out of the recommended list, Saturday by Ian McEwan interests me. I enjoyed Atonement [thanks for lending that to me Emily!]. Is this one worth checking out?




2) Bossypants by Tina Fey. For my thoughts on that, see our conversational review post if you missed it. 


mmm . . . weird list of rec's. Possible website fail. Looking for hysterically funny here people. Not sure how Jane Eyre makes that list - good - but not quite what I'm going for with this one. Maybe Goodnight Nobody by Jennifer Weiner? 








3) The Philosophical Baby by Alison Gopnik. It's full of research from all sorts of fields from Psychology to Computer Science, and it's woven together by great philosophical questions, and it's about babies. This woman foresaw my pregnant-waddle-entry into that Pegasus bookstore the day I found that book and wrote it just for me. I wasn't 100% satisfied, but I was quite stimulated and entertained. 


This one only yields a singular recommendation: Richard Wiseman's 59 Seconds. In reading about it I feel both intrigued and skeptical. Any input?

Hmmm . . . looks like I really need some back up. Have any Lobsters out there read these books? Got any thoughts? Should I check them out or stay away? Anyone else have fun with this "What to read next" website, or found it useful? 

Be Still

Quiz: what’s one universal challenge new parents face with a new baby? Yay! You guessed it: sleep.

Amazon has no shortage of books about getting babies to sleep (421 results last I checked). In other words, getting babies to sleep is hard. Sure I knew this before my baby was born, but I didn’t know! When I go to sleep, I cozy up in the sheets, put my head on my pillow, and I’m out.

My little Sofia falls asleep while she’s eating. I walk as gracefully as I possibly can to her crib. Ever so gently, I lower her down. BAM, her arms flail out, her head kicks up, her feet spaz in outwardly directions, her eyes startle open with fear, her little mouth is instantly drawn out as if to gasp anxiously. As quickly as she awakes, a delighted little beam shines forth from her face and she is ready to play – not sleep. Cute right? Super cute. Super frustrating.    

Tonight, as I lowered her into her crib, and she startled awake, I placed my hand on her little chest, helping her to be still. In about one, maybe two seconds, her heart beat slowed from a million beats per minute to a nice steady rhythm, her eyelids slowly eased back down, her head relaxed, and she was out. [it’s not always this easy]

She was sleepy all along. She was safe all along. I was never going to let her fall. But she took control for herself and reacted unnecessarily to a simple situation with unhelpful anxiety. Hmmmm . . . . sound familiar? If you’ve ever spent much time observing my life it should be, maybe yours too. Sofia can’t help it, she’s a baby, it’s a natural reflex.

One time in particular, I was overwhelmed with distress. Up late at night, circling around and around upsetting thoughts. A friend of mine, not a Christian at the time by the way, let me vent and then shared this verse with me:

“Be still and know that I am God” [Psalm 46:10 NIV]

It brought me incredible peace. When I am overwhelmed by anxiety, it’s a verse I try to remember. Anxiety can be very real, very physical, and require a lot support and treatment. But this is a good first step for me.

Until tonight, I’d never quite thought about how this looks from God’s perspective. He’s got me in His hands, He knows my needs, He’s keeping me safe, and still, I startle and flee from the very peace I want and He desires for me. This is a failure on my part to know and worship God as He truly is. Once I remember who He is, we [and maybe some friends or even a counselor] might have some more work to do together to deal with the problem at hand, but like I said, it’s a good first step towards peace.

For Sofia, this is what it looks like to wake up from a peaceful night of rest:

Yep. Super cute.