Long Distance Family-ish

In the past two weeks, we were the lucky beneficiaries of not one, but TWO visits by our old friends, the Nadlers. Aaron was Manny's college roommate, and his wife Danielle has quickly and easily become to me a dear friend. Regardless of how often we see them, they will always be to us like family.

Us with Aaron way back when
[and also Emily and our buddies Kerby and Nate]

Sofia seemed to pick up on their role in relationship to us quickly, as she almost instantly took to them like her own family as well. She cozied up with Danielle in our library chair to read books they had brought her. And it did not take her long to look Aaron over and declare him to be, "Cute Aaron," the name  he was called by all of us for the duration of our visits together. She would take one or the other of them by the hand and lead them about the house to her play spaces or couches for lots of play. It is positively striking how she was able to clearly see the affection and comfort we all had for one another. She had really enjoyed our time with our friends, and like Manny and I, Sofia looks forward to their future return.

The cuteness of Aaron overwhelms her little heart

Hey Nadlers, that baby is a good look for you. ;)

Long Distance Payoff

I've been writing for this blog about long distance friendship with Emily for over a year now. It's been great fun and a wonderful way to stay in closer contact with Emily and others. But after all this time, I start to have some doubts. My life feels rather overwhelming much of the time. Is cultivating this discipline to invest in long distance friendships really worth making such a high priority? 

My recent visit to Houston gave me a resounding "YES!" in response to that question. If you read all our posts, you've noticed me mention a long distance friend of mine from middle/high school, Libby [check out here blog over here]. By some miracle, we managed to be visiting Houston at the same time, both traveling with our toddlers alone. We only overlapped for a few days, but found a way to meet up in that tight window. It usually completely overwhelms me to think of trying to see friends amidst the millions of family events that always spring up while we're in town, but Libby's reciprocal efforts helped us overcome the challenge. 

The moment we saw each other, it truly felt as if we had been having play dates every week. But as we reflected on the last time we'd seen each other in person, we realized it had been over seven years. Since we'd seen each other last, we had both gotten married, both seen our husbands through PhD programs, both seen our husbands through the ominous academic job search, both moved cross country, and both delivered beautiful baby girls through quasi-traumatic c-sections. 

Everything had changed. And yet it felt as if the growth of our friendship had never skipped a beat. Through all that change, our long distance efforts to support one another through life paid off in the quiet comfort we enjoyed that day in that hot hot park with our girls. Not all friendships are like this, there's often awkwardness when you first see someone after a long time apart, and I don't think anything is wrong with that. AND, I was really grateful to find a friend in Houston who's traveled such a similar road and whose path I could cross with such joy. It was truly uplifting. Long distance friendships, such as this, are such a sweet gift. 

Somewhat tangentially, and mostly random, a few weeks ago, I found myself sharing a really sweet and from my perspective, photogenic moment with Sofia. My heart ached at the idea that there would be nothing but this feeling in my memory to preserve that instant. I thought to myself, "Man, the President's family is so lucky. I bet they have photographers swarming around them all the time capturing every moment like this for them." Well, after my dad gave Sofia and I a ride to this little play date with Libby and her little girl, he stayed on and took a few pictures before running his own errands. I may not have mentioned here recently how my father was a professional photographer during my whole upbringing. In other words, we got our very own personal paparazzi. Wish granted! The shots of just the girls are mine, but I am so thankful to "Big Papa," as Sofia calls him, for preserving a snapshot of Libby's and my brief but precious time together.  

photo by: Craig Stewart

photo by: Craig Stewart

Guest Post: In the Garden with Nathan, Part One

You may remember Nathan from his birthday last year. Well, Nathan and I were trying to find a time to skype so I could get a tour of his garden a few weeks ago. With the time difference, that proved significantly more difficult than you'd expect, so he started sending me emails with pictures attached, and I've been learning a ton about his garden. Nathan's passion for plants is pretty infectious. It's also rather impressive to me, since I once killed a cactus. ("About a month ago, I got a cactus, and a week later, it died. I got really depressed because I was like, damn, I am less nurturing than a desert." - Demetri Martin) Anyway, Nathan said I could share his garden with you, so get excited.


On to the post!


Exhibit 1: Salamanders! I find these cute little guys all around the property, usually under mounds of leaves. It always amazes me how this amphibian that likes cool/moist environs can survive through our scorching hot, dry summers.

Now another reason I love spending time in my garden:
Echevarias.
These plants are just so dang cute. I think they look like rose flowers laying on the ground. They are not particularly cold hardy, so I never saw these until moving to CA, but my garden stays just warm enough in the winter that I can grow these anywhere in the garden and  not worry about them dying from cold. Then beginning in Spring, they send up the most unique and colorful flower stalks. I love placing these near walkways and in pots around seating areas because I've found that people always stop to admire them.

The ones in the foreground are Echevaria elegans and the ones in the back are Echevaria imbricata.


Another thing that I really like about my garden are my bananas. This guy is an Ensete ventricosum 'maurelii.' They're not looking their best right now (this picture is from about a year ago) because they lose all their leaves when it frosts, so they are just coming out of dormancy. My bananas are a little more high maintenance than most of my other plants, but I totally think that they are worth it for the massive, tropical leaves. So hott! Maybe I'll buy a few more of these this year. They have far exceeded my expectations. I'm only sharing the photo of this guy because the rest of my 'banana grove' has not yet come out of dormancy so it just looks like a bunch of sticks in the ground. They have some of these guys at the Santa Barbara zoo near where the island fox is at.

This concludes part one of the Matson Garden tour. Stay tuned for bird's eggs, impregnated Melianthus, and Bromeliads - oh my!

Sofia Visits Vermont

In about 90% of our first introductions to people who live here in Maine, they advise us to plan a getaway for Spring Break so that we can escape the snow that will by that point in the year be driving us crazy. So naturally, for our Spring Break, I arranged a visit to Vermont.


It sounds unintelligent I'm sure, but after we had so much trouble traveling around Christmas, I was not excited about getting back on a plane with a toddler. In a more positive light, it seemed to me that what would bother me most about winter was how insular the community becomes because of how much trouble it is to get out of your house. It seemed that as much as the sunlight, what I would be needing was time with friends.


Once upon a time, when we lived in Berkeley, we were being friendly greeter types at church and met a couple named Erick and Faith. Being that my legal name is Erica Faith, I was able to overcome my chronic name forgetting disease when it came to these two, and we were able to become friends.


Over the years, these two have become five (they have had three beautiful girls) and our paths have found even more overlaps. Faith and I were both Executive Officers of Project Peace. Granted, my role was merely to satisfy a blank for a 501c3 application form, and she actually did lead the organization for real. Faith and I are both into photography too, though again, she actually has an MA and I just dabble. Manny and Erick were PhD students at Berkeley at the same time. Our youngest children first met at my baby shower when they were still in our bellies. Manny and Erick both got their first positions as professors in the Northeast in the same year. And Faith has also been getting more into writing for her own blog, The Pickle Patch. (We've decided it has something to do with the effect of snowy winters.) So now that we're basically neighbors, we couldn't pass up a chance to reconnect with these long distance friends and compare notes about our parallel journeys.


I can't say that the travel was all smooth sailing. Over the several hours in the car, Sofia expressed a wide range of emotions:

But after driving, literally, over the river(s) and through the woods, we made it there and back in one piece. And most importantly, we had a great time while we were there. Vermont is like one big idyllic photo opportunity: green mountains, old barns with stallions rustling their mane, rivers trickling down rocks and through mossy banks, old historic steeples piercing the sky line. It is so close to Maine, and yet it feels so distinct in topography that it seems to have its own shape of character. And as for escaping the snow, it was in the 70's-80's the whole time we were there. We even got uncomfortably hot playing at a playground. So as illogical as my plan was, it totally worked out on all counts!


It was great to catch up with friends from what seems like a previous life. Renewing those bonds and digging them deeper feels good for the soul in growing those relationships, but it also brought to memory other old friends from that season, how much they meant to us, how much we miss them, who and how we are because of how they've impacted us. It becomes a full fledged renewing of the love of a whole community. Dear other-old-Berkeley friends, I miss you! 


Furthermore, Sofia got a taste of what life would be like with a gaggle of sisters. This family is raising three daughters with a sparkling sense of imagination that is integrated into every moment of their day. It made me think of the book, Philosophical Baby by Alison Gopnik [a Berkeley professor incidentally], which speaks of the importance of imaginary friends/play as a child's beginning abilities to conceive of other possible universes (a bit of what we adults were also experiencing as our journeys are so similar, and yet so different), which is a key building block to skills like problem solving. It is a phase ahead of where Sofia and I are right now, but it was precious to witness and so sweet of her girls to do their best to include Sofia in this play. 

In addition to fun with friends, the time away gave us opportunity to have some time as a family, which was particularly appreciated after Manny had been away for a week for work. I can't ever seem to get enough of the site of my husband with my child, happy in play together. 

As you can see in that final shot, this was all so much fun that it even maxed out Sofia's seemingly endless supply of energy. Perhaps that might have also had a little something to do with the one night when Sofia was up for three hours? Sorry again, friends! But despite the challenge of hosting a family with a toddler in the midst of mid-terms and preschool and a very full life, these friends were amazingly gracious, thoughtful, and warm hosts. We are looking forward to spending time with them in Maine someday soon. 

Traditioooon! TRADITION. (New Year's Eve Edition.)

Zoe and I used to be part of a New Year's Eve tradition with a big group of college friends. It has since kind of died for a lot of us (though I'd like to think that some day we'll all be able to bring it back) because we are all scattered across the country. But it counts as a tradition since we kept it up for over four years. Here's the run down:


Everyone met at the Nadlers' house. They have the most beautiful, peaceful, welcoming house on the West Coast, in my humble opinion. [I would like to second that motion.] Plus it's located in Danville, which is adorable. Danville has a tree. That's what they're most proud of. Isn't that precious? 

Not the least of the Nadlers' hospitality skilz is their amazing culinary art. All of them, even their dog Shadow. Ok, maybe not so much Shadow, though that sweet dog sure helped keep the floors a bit cleaner. The thought of New Years approaching just gets my mouth watering for tri-tip and my heart longing for great conversation around their kitchen island.


We played games. So many games: Telephone Pictionary, Catchphrase, Prince Edward Island Monopoly, Scrabble, and more. One time we played Apples to Apples for four hours. 

Yeah, I was serious. We have a Canadian amongst us.

Also, we watched movies. Sometimes at the same time as playing games. Two movie moments from these gatherings are particularly strong in my memory:

1) We were watching the opening credits to a movie, I want to say it was Juno, and Jeff, the theater artist of the group, kindly mentioned how he appreciates it if people not talk during the opening credits because of how important they are for setting the tone for the film. I believe I proceeded to attempt to launch a conversation on the importance of opening credits, as they rolled, along with Jeff's eyes. Sorry, Jeff! I was just trying to connect. Fail. 

2) One New Years, Manny and I had an awful awful stomach flu. So bad, we missed out on all our Christmas parties, but we could not forgo that Nadlers' house gathering, that would have been sacrilegious, so we dragged ourselves out to the East Bay. While we were technically present, we spent most of the time asleep in bed. Somehow, we managed to slump out of bed to watch the ball drop, all bleary eyed. Emily then so compassionately suggested the post-midnight movie selection be Amelie, because it was a favorite of the two sickies. I believe we fell asleep about 96 seconds into the viewing, but the memory of it starting is about the most vivid memory of that event.

One of my favorite parts of the evening was always the Baked Alaska. That, my friends, is dessert that you light on fire. What could be better? We'd turn off all the lights in the house and light that sucker up. It was beautiful and delicious.So beautiful. So delicious.

Our scattering afar was gradual and inevitable. I remember our last gathering, Emily was already on the other coast, as was part of the Nadler clan, but they still celebrated in parallel. When their midnight approached, we Skyped in and did the count down all together. Emily and company then proceeded to do a New Years Dance for us over Skype and that was awesome. 

Last New Years, the tradition had ended, but I got to see Emily and Jeff just before the year was out. Gathered together at a very very noisy BJ's, my belly great with child, trying to ignore the contractions, I heard Jeff say, "So, you're pregnant." I was getting this comment alot, and it was getting a bit stale. I thought Jeff was better than that. But I smiled and gave an obligatory, "heh, yeah." In response to which I got this very intense blank stare. The kind of stare that lets you know you've missed something. I think the conversation actually just moved on a bit awkwardly until a minute or so later, I realized I had not heard him correctly. "Wait, what did you say a minute ago?" "We're pregnant" "?!?!WHAT?!?!?" Not that anyone could hear my wild yelling and exclamation over that din. I've never been so embarrassed/shocked/thrilled all in one moment. And that my friends, is the story of how Eiley and Sofia first met, bumpin' bellies. And a new long distance friendship was born. Not a bad way to wrap up a good tradition, eh? At least for now . . . 

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne!

Happy New Year's Eve, Lobsters!

Eating with Zoe: Long Distance Influence

My favorite part of Thanksgiving has always been the leftovers. Always. Tasty slabs of turkey meat, a 'lil mayo, canned cranberry sauce, and white bread. I look forward to that sandwich all year. On the years I do not get to partake in this sandwich, I get very very depressed. What is it about those few extra hours that make the Thanksgiving food so much more delightful?

Perhaps it is the release of all the pressure of the formal Thanksgiving Dinner. Once the food is just left overs, you can let your hair down, kick back, and just enjoy each other's company however you wish. Eat it standing at a kitchen counter, sprawled out on the floor while playing some games, curled up on the couch watchin' some football, whatever suits your fancy. It is casual, it is communal, it is comforting!

The first Thanksgiving I ever spent away from home was actually with Emily's family. I remember calling my mom that afternoon in a mini-crisis because eating at someone else's house necessarily meant I did not get my leftovers sandwich. Good thing her family had all these amazing, exotic family traditions that had me sufficiently enthralled to allow me to get too depressed over it all. You should ask her about her Thanksgiving family traditions, because that is a day when Emily Fazakerley shines in the kitchen like no other! Impressive!

When we lived in the Bay Area, we were friends with one of the coolest families on the planet. One of their many cool traits as a family is their amazing hospitality. Despite the great dinners and roaring parties we did get to enjoy with them, they had one annual tradition we always had to miss out on. Each year, on the day after Thanksgiving, they hosted a party where everyone could bring their left overs to share and hang out with friends. Buh-rillllliant!!! You get to enjoy hospitality AND the magic of Thanksgiving left overs all in one. I can hardly handle it.

After years of having to miss out on this party, we are missing out yet again, seeing as how we are on the opposite coast of the country. Blerg. BUT WAIT! Sometimes there are silver linings to long distance friendships like this. See, with them so far away, there is very little [zero] overlap in our social circles, THEREFORE! I have decided that it is NOT a social faux pas to totally steal their idea and host my own Thanksgiving leftovers party.  

Thus, the annual "Reyes Remainders Replay" is born (you know, cause my husband is a mathematician, get it? remainders? heh)! I can't wait. Even if no one shows up, I will have a grand festive time with my own family being in town, making a little extra hooplah over the leftovers this year. They may not exactly be mine to give, but nevertheless, I extend to you the rights to throw your own left overs party. Just please report back and let me know how it goes! 

Isn't it cool how even friends that are far away, whether or not I am faithfully in touch them, have touched my life in a moment and steered my path, even if only slightly?

Guest Post: Practical Tips on Long Distance Friendship-ing

Howdy, Lobsters. We're back again with a follow up guest post from my dear long distance friend, Libby. For her first post, click here. These are such great, practical tips. I hope you'll contribute some of your own as well!

Hello! Libby here again. So great to be back on Long Distance Lobsters to chat with you. We’re back with the second half of a mini-series about long distance friendships! Last time I posed some questions about why we form certain long distance friendships and why these are important. Good theoretical questions, but I am ALL about the practical, so today I want us to look at some tips for growing those friendships across the miles—and I’d love to hear your ideas, too!

One of the best things I’ve found to do is to keep a list of key things that are going on in my friends’ lives. Can anyone relate to the scatterbrained feeling? I might get off the phone from a great conversation only to jump into something around the house and realize the next day that I’ve forgotten just what it was that my friend was sharing. I absolutely cringe if that happens because it means I can’t follow up very well the next time we chat and it means I can’t pray too effectively for them either. I’ve found that jotting a few key things down after that phone call can really help to keep those details in the forefront of my mind. I know it always feels great to hear from a friend a month later and realize that they remember exactly what we had talked about before.

Another great thing that can help others feel connected to you is to start a blog like this one! Your personality, interests, joys, and concerns can all come through so well on a blog. It is not nearly as relational as a phone call, email, or visit, but it does a great job of filling in the gaps and helping people far away know the ups and downs in your life. One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is to flip through my friends’ blogs who I no longer live near and get to see life through their eyes again.

I have a few people that I love to email back and forth with as well. I have heard recently that many people think that email is becoming obsolete. No way! I love a good email! I hope it sticks around, because I have way more to say most days than I can fit into a tiny text message or facebook comment. Email is a great way to really share some deeper things with good friends, to get into the details, and also to keep a written memory of shared thoughts and questions you’ve had. Now that I have a busy 15 month old who sleeps less than most kiddos her age, phone calls are hard to come by. It is easier many times to write a long email bit by bit as I have time than  to block off that prized hour of phone time I really want with a friend. And it gives my friend flexibility on the reply end as well.

Pictures, pictures, pictures! I am terrible about staying on top of this one, but when I see updated pictures of where friends have traveled, a new haircut, what their kids look like now, it helps me to feel like I am passing time with them somehow and not always seeing them in the past. So take those pictures and get them uploaded in a place where friends can see them! For some that is on Facebook, others it is through programs like Flicker, Shutterfly, or Picassa. Find out what is easiest for you to use and go at it!

Finally, I think that praying for our friends we miss is a great way to stay connected as well. I am so thankful for the reality that those of us who are saved by grace through faith are looking forward to an eternity in Heaven with our brothers and sisters in Christ. For Christian friends, there is never a goodbye. It is always an “I’ll see you later.” And praying for each other helps us to continue that relationship on earth that we will have in Heaven one day, all pointed toward the Lord together. For friends we love who don’t call Jesus their Savior and Lord, it can be our heart’s desire to pray for opportunities for them to encounter the Lord and come to faith. It can also be a platform that spurs us on to continue remaining active in their lives even when we see sinful choices being made.

Those are my top ways to continue friendships with my loved ones far away. How about you? Anything I missed that has helped you??

Quantity Matters

Hey Lobsters, did you by any chance also have a mom who told you it was the quality of your friends that mattered, not the quantity? Well I’m here to tell you, quantity does indeed matter.

Once upon a time I studied abroad in Sri Lanka for about six weeks. Among plenty of the other cultural contrasts I stumbled upon was their view of romance. It highlighted for me that we Americans believe that One person will fulfill all of our wildest dreams and meet all of our plethora of needs. After six years of marriage to the man I believe to be the universe’s greatest husband, I’m here to tell you, that’s a load of malarkey.

As human beings, we have a wide range of needs. My husband loves and provides for me in an incredible number of ways, and I also have needs that I need my mother to meet, and my sister, and my pastor, my teachers, my daughter, my friends, my father, my grandfather, my grandmother, my community group members, my neighbors, my car insurance guy . . . you get the point. All these other people meet needs in my life and in my heart that aren’t holes Manny is designed to fill – either because of who he is or because of the role he plays in my life. So I am the kind of girl who needed a husband [plenty of you may not even have that particular need], but I also need a whole community of support.

This is true with friends too. When Emily and I first became roommates, she really was my one and only friend. It did not take long at all for me to see that there was no way that could make for a sustainable friendship. She had a job, a boyfriend, other friends, and I couldn’t just tag along like a sick puppy everywhere she went (don’t think I didn’t try). So there’s point one, no single friend deserves the burden of supplying all your friendship needs and wants.   

Fortunately, Emily had several friends. She introduced me to her best friend, Nate (now one of my best friends), who provided me with lots of opportunities to hang out with his other friends (this is how I met my husband by the way!) and so on until I had a nice slew of friends. And it seems that anywhere I go with Emily, I’m meeting new people that I instantly love and admire. Her sister Jenna, her husband Jeff, all her bridesmaids, her former roommate Mikkelle, her videographer friend Tabitha, . . . you get the point. I was always taught that in order to have friends, you had to be a good friend, but apparently, having friends in and of itself helps too! [point two]

Point the last: no one friend CAN meet all your needs for friendship. I need Emily to make me laugh, inspire me to write, give it to me straight, and entertain me with her fantastic voice and ukulele skills. But I need other friends with whom I can cry in movies [Emily has maybe done this – what – twice in her life? I do it in nearly every movie], enjoy a good cup of tea [Emily’s caffeine intake comes exclusively from Diet Pepsi], talk on the phone [Emily will do this out of love – but I know she doesn’t enjoy it]. And I need my friends that I can see in person on a regular basis. To say that Emily’s inability to meet any of these needs is any sort of failure on her part as a friend is entirely erroneous. I need her to be who she is, and I need others to be who they are.

As I piece together and appropriate quantity of quality friendships, I find I am surrounded by a beautiful community – comforting and challenging me in all sorts of ways. It really feeds my ego to be needed in a big way by someone. But I really believe we are designed for community – not just pairing off. When I love this way, I’m more likely to get more of my needs met – and when others love me this way, I’m less likely to feel the pressure to deliver what I can not authentically and sustainably offer.

Are you expecting too much from one friend? What friendships could you forge or strengthen to get more of your own needs met and start putting into practice some of your own untapped gifts and talents to meet needs in others?

Checking In

Hey Lobsters, am I the only one who has been catching up with a friend you thought you were so close to to discover that she's been dating a guy for five months? whoops. Or have you ever been scrolling through the facebook news feed to see a status update from your friend you always thought of as a high-powered-business-woman-not-ready-for-kids posting about her three children you hadn't noticed she'd had? When did that happen?!

I often fail at this when I call old friends by childhood nicknames they've worked hard to grow out of [ironic, as I worked very hard to change my own name], or forget about major career or life changes a friend has undergone since I've seen them last, or show little interest in a family member's dreams for the future. I find it easy to get stuck in memories and hard to keep learning about people love. 

Does anyone else ever witness this effect? I have heard many a wife talk about watching their husbands regress into little boys when they return home to their mother’s house - suddenly forgetting how to cook or clean for themselves. Or people who turn back into their high school selves when they get around their high school friends. Tastes, personalities, life style, and perspectives change with our life experiences. It is helpful for us to adapt our friendships as much as we adapt ourselves. 

The way psychologist, John Gottman, explains it in the context of marriage is staying up to date with your partner’s “love map.” The point he makes is that people are changing all of the time. And if you want someone to feel loved by you, you can’t keep loving them as a person they used to be and ignore the needs and desires of the person they are now. 

Take Emily, for example, I knew her in college when her tastes were rather narrow and she was pretty stubborn about trying new things. But a while back, she started a blog called “Anything Once,” dedicating herself to give new things at least one try. Her tastes have since broadened dramatically.  But if I didn’t take the time to read her blog or check in with her about little details like the ways she likes to spend her free time now or how her job is, I would be loving on a friend I used to know, not the friend I have now.

For some great concrete tools to do this with your spouse, your family members, your old friends, I recommend trying to get your hands on John Gottman's books.

What are some of the ways you keep up with who your friends are becoming, Lobsters? 

Sharing what you share

One of my dearest long distance friends is Catherine. We met when I was a freshman at Westmont and instantly clicked. The more we got to know about each other though, the more we found affinities we shared in common. One key intersections of our persons is our mutual love for creating art.

Cate is a wonderful artist, as is her husband. They both work in several mediums, but Catherine and I especially share a love of photography. I was honored to be a subject in her senior art project, to be the photographer for her wedding, and to have her shoot my senior portrait:

one shot out of an incredible series

We have always enjoyed doing and talking about art together. So it is only fitting that as we have had to live apart for too many years, one of the special ways Catherine stays in touch with me is through art. She and her husband were sending out this great little zine of his drawings for a while, I love following their blogs and facebook photos of their kids - always totally uniquely shot. And each year at Christmas, instead of a card or bought gift, she always sends out these amazing handmade creations the family develops together. Here are the magnets they sent me a few years ago that I use every day and love to death:

Consider one of your long distance friends, Lobsters. What is the heart of your friendship? Is it a thing or experience that is really geographically bound?

Out of town, in town

As someone with lots of long distance friends, I really love it when people make the effort to come visit me. To emphasize my appreciation, I do my best to show them a good time and make them feel like visiting me is a vacation and a treat. This often means that I end up seeing some of my city's greatest treasures only when I have visitors. Consequently, I end up feeling like I'm on vacation too, even though I never leave town. [This convenience makes a good case for living in vacation destinations - also makes for a great staycation opportunity!]

We had just one such adventure recently when one of my college roommates, and dear friends, Erin came to stay with us. Per my teaser with the most recent Snaptshot Saturday, I took advantage of the opportunity to explore Point Loma for the first time. I've felt a special obligation to see what San Diego thinks a lighthouse should look like, seeing as how we're moving to Maine, which seems to be the lighthouse capital of the country. I figured it would make a good point of reference. 

I felt like such a good mother, providing my child with such a beautiful experience.

But to be honest, I think the highlight of the visit for her, was playing with her toes while we wheeled her around in her stroller.

And despite the amazing view of downtown, the bay, the ocean, the historic lighthouse, etc. etc. etc., the sight I got most excited about was the artichoke plant in the garden by the lighthouse.

Had to capture the white picket fence for Emily - she loves them.

Green and purple are my favorite colors,
how beautiful together in one of my favorite foods! 

They've done up the lighthouse in the way it would have been arranged when the keeper and his family would have lived there [1800's]. Cute and quaint. But note in this shot below, something seems a bit out of place on the bed.

I don't think the lighthouse keeper in the 19th century kept
his laptop by his bed, but what do I know, I wasn't there. 

It was a thoroughly lovely day and a lovely way for Erin, Sofia and I to get some fresh air and exercise!

Sofia and I have such a good time together!

Sofia loves Aunt Erin!!

. . . So lovely, in fact, that I couldn't help but take advantage of the fact that the pass we paid to get in [a mere $5] was good for a whole week. So a few days later, when Manny got back in town, I took him and our friends Lexie and Jamie back to the Point for another lovely day! We revisited everything I'd already seen. And of course, I had to get a few more shots of my artichoke plant.

Thank you Massive Zoom,
for helping me capture the bee pollinating the plant!

But I pushed everyone to move nice and quick so I could get a chance to see other parts of the park as well. In addition to the great peninsula views, lighthouse, and artichoke plant, the park also has access to these beautiful tide pools.

Something isn't quite right when I feel like
the person in this warning illustration
looks like they're having lots of fun.

This time, we had dueling cameras capturing the sites.

I was smart enough to remember the ErgoBaby Carrier for this trip.
Much better flexibility in where we could explore.
But I'm sure poor Sofia missed her toes. 

Hard to appreciate in this shot,
but Lexie's outfit to go hiking in was so adorable.
Breezy white top, cute denim shorts, and a great red belt around her waist.
She never fails to look great, no matter the occasion!

Lobsters, if you're planning on visiting or living in San Diego anytime soon, I agree with all the hype and highly recommend this park as a great worthwhile visit, even twice in one week!

Homesick

When I face big transitions – graduating from college, getting married, having a baby, moving – I get homesick. With a baby in my arms and being in the midst of packing for yet another move, the sickness is creeping back in. but I’m not sure where to be homesick for this time.

Home has been Houston, Texas; Santa Barbara, California; Berkeley, California; and it’s about to be in Maine. 


My parents transformed my first home from a one bedroom red-brown bungalow in a city smaller than 10 blocks into an incredible, cozy house for a family of four. That house has been torn down. My happy place used to be my grandfather’s ranch in Conroe, “Little Creek Hollow,” which was an adorable little farm house with a fireplace and a loft with a tiny window looking out on the creek, forest, and cow pasture surrounding it. The trees were cut for lumber, the property was sold, and I’m told the land is now littered with trailer homes instead. My first apartment with my husband was condemned, torn down, and built over. My grandmother’s house, a place of discovery, comforting food, stimulating conversation, and presents, was one of the last places that I still had left from my childhood that I could still return to. It has just been sold to new owners. I feel like my past is being erased behind me the more I move forward.

So I just described several places, actual physical structures. And you might say, “it’s not the place that matters, it’s the people.” To that I say, a) I think place actually does matter to some extent. And b) yes, you’re right. But I’ve noticed even my facebook newsfeed favors my friends that are local. It is just easier to be in relationship with people that are nearby most of the time. There are plenty of people who really only function this one way. So in a sense, people and place are often inextricable.

Often, the people you love in your life are so tied to place, that as you leave that place, most of those relationships fade. BUT – some of them do not. Some of them actually come alive in a whole new way.

I think I’ve just realized that one thing that knits my identity together, that preserves a sense of home that can not be erased, is the fact that I have dear long distance friends that have been with me through all of these transitions.

For example, take my friend Libby [a faithful commenter on this blog and writer of her own blog]. 
We’ve been friends since our very early teens. She knew me when I still lived in my little bungalow, she’s been in my grandmother’s house, I got to visit her college dorm multiple times. We went on a double date with our boyfriends who both turned into husbands. She was the one friend around to attend my Texas bridal shower. Our pregnancies overlapped, and I’m right behind her in the journey of having a husband enter academia. We’ve seen each other through many transitions of place and identity. And as much as I am a “different person” today from who I was way back when in the 90’s! I still have Libby for a friend. And that truth does something to unite the pieces of me that have fallen off, gotten erased, and grown throughout that journey. What a dear comfort!  

Thank goodness Libby is one of a lovely bouquet of such friends. A beautiful arrangement I can bring with me into my new home, where I do not know a soul. This way I can still be comfortable in being me, and be patient for the new friendships to develop and build on who I will become. Thank you Libby. Thank you long distance friends. The more I think on you, the more grateful I am for the essential roles you play in my life!

eFriendship

I think that 100 years ago, people probably managed to have some perfectly lovely long distance friendships. I know I still love getting snail mail letters and I really love getting packages – as rare as both of these occasions may be. But it also seems like advances in technology today don’t hurt.

I have her to thank for my Gmail and Facebook accounts, for my first ever Skype conversation, and for my entre into texting and blogging. Wow – can you believe that all happened within the past decade? Seems like we’ve always had this stuff. Thanks to technology, there’s less excuse for distance getting in the way of being present in the lives of people you love. Yes, it’s different, but not all together impossible.

For example, last week, my husband, Manny, and I were having a little coffee date in one of my favorite spots, The Living Room in La Jolla. Cozy, textural, with a view of the ocean. This was our first time back there with Sofia. I was trying to work on writing a paper, but the caffeine jolt had plagued me with a bad case of temporary A.D.D., so I was really more focused on chatting with Emily through Gmail.

I just had to describe to her the preciousness of the moment as I was enjoying it. I was sitting on a red, velvety couch working on my laptop. My husband was sitting beside me, working on his laptop, and Sofia sat in between us, propped up by our bodies and the couch [she can’t quite sit up yet], looking all around. I handed her my cell phone and told her, “here Sofia, this can be your computer so you can work like Mommy and Daddy too.” Sweet, right? Wait for it.

No sooner had I typed the words out than I heard a beep coming from my phone. I glanced down to see my daughter staring intently at the screen, which displayed this text “HI, SOFI BELLA!” As I howled with delight, my husband [who rivals Emily in wit] unlocked the phone and opened up the keypad, helping Sofia to tap away her own text in response. Her message to Emily read, “Jkkn g57kxmvqqag Uldl bf.” She’s so communicative.

It’s not so much what tools you have at hand, but how you put those tools to use. My friend Catherine creates the most amazing homemade Christmas presents that she sends each year. My mom sends thoughtful care packages. My grandmother sends old photo albums with awesome captions under each photo. My dad sends pictures of himself where his expression says all that needs to be said. Emily puts technology to use to make me feel like she is present in my everyday life.

How could you use the tools you have available to reach out to a friend who might benefit from your involvement in their lives?

Virtual Baby Shower

Most people (including myself) would think that living across the country from a friend means you obviously can't throw them a baby shower when they're expecting. For example, when Zoe was pregnant, I simply arranged for our college friends to pool our money to mail her a bunch of gifts. Sure, that was a nice thought - but it was practically rude compared to what Zoe did for me.


Last Sunday, Zoe arranged a virtual baby shower. She mailed out party packs in advance to the guests (ten college friends from around the country) that included glasses to decorate and game pieces. She arranged for gifts to be mailed in time to open at the shower. She upgraded her Skype account to accommodate a conference call. And she did all this while being an amazing mother/wife/etc and starting this blog with me. I'm starting to think she has learned how to function with a complete lack of sleep.


The shower was amazing! We started out by briefly updating each other on our lives, then we played baby-themed mad gabs and a round of telephone pictionary, and we wrapped things up with Jeff and me opening gifts. Except for the occasional technical blip, it was just like being in the same room at a regular, fun baby shower. The fact that we were on Skype just made it extra creative and memorable. So BAM...there's your intense, tangible example of long distance friendship, Lobsters. I recommend using this idea - it would work for other things too, like bridal showers or birthday parties.

2/3 of the party!

Nathan, who had the most impressively decorated glasses

Guest Blogging

What's another way you can cultivate long distance friendships? Guest post on one another's blogs!

My first guest blogging experience was posted today. I got to write for one of my favorite blogs, thanks to my old friend and Spring Break In the City co-conspirator, Becca Eliasen.

Check out the post here: Confessions of a . . .

You should browse her blog, its adorable and encouraging. Then you should comment on both of our blogs begging her to guest blog for us too. Wouldn't that be great? Yes, it would. Come on Lobsters, together, we can make this happen! ;)

Surprised by sadness

I was not excited about this year as I entered into it. It took some convincing to get me on board with the idea of my husband doing a post-doctoral appointment before settling into a tenure track position. But then he got offers for both, which meant the three years we’d planned on spending in one place got abbreviated to one, before moving onto a longer term post. Less than one year in a place is not much, especially when you’re having your first baby in the middle of that year.

One year is especially not much for a married couple of introverts. We’re slow to warm up to people. I knew I was going to need a community of support when I had my baby, and I had no idea how that was going to come together. I was putting all my eggs in the basket of the one family of friends we had in San Diego, a family of four kids and consequently a very busy schedule.

Being what it was, I did what I could do. We visited our one family of friends often. When another friend who was really just barely more than an acquaintance moved down from Berkeley shortly after us, I clung to her and took advantage of any time she could spare to spend with me. We curtailed our church shopping to plug into a community faster. But still, my new friend was bound to find a job to take up her time eventually, and when we met people at church we would often hear, “Oh, you’re those people who are leaving in less than a year, I heard about you.”

It wasn’t looking good, so I settled into the year, thinking of it as a 12-month long vacation in a sunny beach town. Now that our time here is running out, I’ve found that the weather in San Diego is not as idyllic as I’d expected, I’ve hardly set foot on the beach more than a few times, and I actually have people I’m going to miss when we leave.

Sure enough, my acquaintance has found work, but only after I got spoiled by taking weekly walks with her. She’s become a dear friend, I miss her, and I’m really sad I can’t take her with me to Maine. We figured the church we found would just be a place to attend on Sunday mornings, but they’ve folded us into their community, gotten us passionate about their mission, involved us in their efforts to renew the city around them. The other night, a member of our community group actually told us he would miss us when we left. I was stunned. And I’ve found so many other friends. Women from a Beth Moore bible study, partners in community development in City-Heights, mental health advocates around the city. People I’ve come to respect and love deeply. They touched my life and shaped me, in such a short period of time. I can’t believe it, but I’m going to be sad to leave this town and all the people that have come to mean a great deal to me. I guess I’ve added a whole new package of long-distance friends to my collection. Thank you San Diego. 

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold . . . 

Lobsters, have you ever been pleasantly surprised to be sad to leave a place?