don't read this if birth stories give you the jeebies (part two)

On the morning of May 9 last year, I talked to a student about the wonders of online learning and paused mid-sentence because of a contraction. I didn't acknowledge to myself that it was a contraction at the time. I thought it was just you kicking me extra hard or your giant body snuggling up to your favorite pillow (my bladder) or maybe a little gas. It was your due date, and I never imagined having you on your due date because we are not that punctual in our family.

By about 3 pm, it was clear that these were contractions, but my water hadn't broken so I couldn't be sure if this was the real thing.

By 4 pm, I asked Daddy to come home because your sister was almost up from her nap, and someone was going to need to take care of her. And also someone needed to take care of me.

By 6:30 pm, we called Baba and Roby to come pick Eiley up. This was happening.

After Eiley left, we timed contractions. This was not very interesting. By 10:30 pm, the contractions were not consistent in strength, and they were generally six or seven minutes apart so we decided to go lay down in bed to rest. I felt terrified of going to the hospital, having a stranger stick his or her hand in me, and getting told to go home, so we were going to waitwaitwait to leave.

By 11:30, the contractions were five minutes apart and it was time to leave. Really a wasted walk up the stairs.

In the ten minute drive to the hospital I had three contractions, and I had two on the walk into the hospital. I then had two at the admitting desk and they let me skip the intake room and go straight to the labor room. This is probably how it feels to skip a grade. It was a relief.

I immediately asked for an epidural. The anesthesiologist came quickly, but he sounded nervous as soon as he saw my awesomely-shaped back. "You have scoliosis!" he declared. I think I nodded at him. I won't tell you what I thought in response because there's a cuss in it.

He numbed the area with a couple of shots, but the memory of the anesthesiologist missing once when I had Eiley filled me with such terror that I sat there shaking and whimpering, Chihuahua-style. He was freaking me out, I was freaking him out. Pretty soon the fear overcame me and I felt like I might faint. Thoughts that quickly passed through my brain: If I pass out, will something horrible happen here? Should I lie down? Or should I risk it for the sake of trying to hold still for the epidural? My vision began to tunnel, so I squeaked, "Is it okay for me to pass out?" and the nurse quickly began to help me onto my side on the bed. Daddy likes to tell everyone that I had you without any drugs. I like to tell everyone that it was not by choice.

Once on my side, I immediately felt certain I was peeing my pants. Somehow mortified (even though there are about a hundred equally embarrassing things that had already happened by that point that hadn't fazed me a bit), I announced my leakiness to the room. And then I made an elegant follow up speech about how I needed to poop. A more together person might have recognized that her water had broken and she needed to push the baby out.

In came the midwife, and about 20 minutes later at around 1 am, out came you! Before the midwife left the delivery room, she asked if she could pray with us. She prayed for you and your little life and I cried like a baby, pardon the analogy.

For a long while after you were born, I looked at you, wondering how on earth such a huge thing had fit inside me. I fretted about your super weird toes that looked like lobster claws. I marveled at the distinct dimple in your chin. And I've basically been staring at you ever since. You continue to surprise me with how easily you smile, your passion for shoes and Buster, and your ability to make Daddy and me laugh. I love you, Margot Mikkele!

poorly written movie moments: part two

A husband and wife relax on a couch, exhausted after a day of travel. Their newborn flails and coos on the couch next to them, surrounded by her adoring great-grandmother, great-aunt, great-grandfather, and second cousin. The husband and wife close their eyes, just as baby's grandfather starts to play his guitar and grandmother sings a worship song. 

Hallmark movie? Lifetime? OWN? No, no, no. This little scene happened on Thanksgiving Day when everyone was meeting Eiley for the first time. I actually sat there thinking about how cheesy the whole scene was. How I would gag if I saw this in a Christian film. How my sister and I would mock it all. How Kirk Cameron should really be in the room, fawning over the baby with my grandma and singing with my mom. 


I might have teared up just a little bit because it also happened to be a completely genuine moment. And hey, I was jet lagged. Shut up about it.

not to be cliche, but...

In no particular order, this year I am thankful for:

• Friends and family, near and far (BAM, I just covered all of you people). 
• A brand new brother in law who is loving my sister beautifully. (Don't interpret that ickily.)
• A functioning washer and dryer, even though we're paying way too much to rent it.
• Flexible, super understanding bosses.
• A ridiculously nice stroller that is tall enough and inspires me to walk more.
• The oodles of people who blessed us with almost everything we needed (and more!) to care for our new baby girl.
• A church that feels like a home.
• Texas toast from Raisin' Canes. 
• The beauty of the Botanical Gardens and all its stroller-friendly paths.
• These three people (shut up, Buster is too a person), who bless me every. single. day.:

• Fellow crazy dog people, like Arabella and a few of my co-workers and my parents.
• Not one but TWO functioning cars.
• Handmade baby blankets, Clarence the pink bird, the Remo lemon shaker, Adele's Rollin' in the Deep, Sophie the Giraffe, and the light up rubber ducky family. (Happy baby tricks.)
• Toms, the most comfortable shoes of my life that just happen to also be in style.
• Epidurals (well, just the one).
• A heavenly Father who loves me all the time.
• Naps.
• California, Disneyland (I haven't seen it in a couple years, but I'm still thankful for it), In-n-Out, Rubio's, and airplanes.
• You Lobstery people who read this and thus make me want to keep writing, which is something I happen to love to do.
• And, as always, Diet Pepsi. 

Your turn.

Update on Being Eiley's Momma

Well, first of all, I've decided I want to go by "Momma." I still call my mother "Mama," and maybe it doesn't matter that we go by the same mom name, but for some reason it makes me feel like an impostor when I try to refer to myself by such a familiar moniker. So, since I tend to picture words spelled out, Momma is different to me and less impostory. (Other forms of OCD of mine: I like the radio volume to always be on an odd number and I don't like to have property as money in my bank when playing the card game Monopoly Deal, which is an awesome game, by the way.)


Every day is a roller coaster. Usually the mornings are wonderful - I have a happy, squirmy baby who likes to gaze at me and can be occupied for an hour on her play mat. We go for walks with Buster, and I think that I'm a great mother. Usually in the afternoons, my happy, squirmy baby is replaced with a screaming, stiff legged monster. There is a brief reprieve of nap time, then monster is back in the evening. By bed time, I think I'm a terrible mother and I wonder how I will possibly work at home, and there's a lot of despair. Luckily the monster is still adorable, but you see what I mean about the roller coaster.


Eiley has a pink bird that hangs from her car seat. We named it Clarence.


Sometimes Eiley will be very upset and suddenly get calm and focus on a specific point. There is usually nothing in the place she's staring. We named the imaginary friend who must be in that place Guido.


Taking a nap with a baby on one's chest is heaven. Absolute heaven.


Eiley seldom smiles so far (WHOA, I always thought the adverb was "seldomly," but apparently it's just seldom and my little English mind was just blown), but when she does I feel like joy could explode out of me in a big, messy way.


I have learned numerous ways to calm Eiley, including, but not limited to: bouncing her on my legs, bouncing her on my shoulder, swinging her in my arms, skipping around the house with her on my shoulder, swaddling her, letting her suck my thumb, duct tape, shushing in her ear, turning the volume all the way up on the iPad and playing an ocean sound effect app (this one was courtesy of her creative Aunt Tab), making loud kissing sounds in her ear, and intensely patting her back.


In conclusion, BABY!

P.S. Come on, people. I was kidding about the duct tape.

Baby, baby, baby. Ohhhh my baby, baby, baby.

Unlike Mr. Bieber's raw musical talent, I have to admit that motherhood is not coming naturally to me. I probably should have seen this coming, since I wasn't a natural at pregnancy either - and by that I mean I never once craved a pickle and I never turned into a nesting cleaning machine. Which is a shame. Our house could have used a good scrub.


I love my Eiley Grace. She is beautiful and does cute things with her hands like thrusting them in the air after she eats (obviously thinking "VICTORY!") or rubbing them together (obviously plotting world domination) and her toes are fascinating and when she yawns it's the most adorable thing anyone has ever done and her cheeks are so wonderful that I have, on the occasion, been unable to resist chewing on them. Just a little though. I never leave marks.


But I tend to notice all of those things when she's asleep. When she's awake, it's a whole different game.


It took about two weeks for her to figure out how to latch. Both of us would get so frustrated that I spent all of my time either wrestling with her or dreading the next wrestling match and she would start to cry the instant I brought her to my chest. I don't know how we finally figured it out, to be honest. I think the Lord just decided to have mercy on us.


I'm mostly not good at comforting her either. Last week we spent an afternoon crying together, then Jeff got home from work and calmed her down within minutes. I'd like to think she was about to stop crying anyway, that I loosened the jar of silence before he pried it open. Who knows. I'm getting better at this though. Finding tricks to calm her down which generally involve a lot of bobbing her up and down. My arms are getting ripped. Luckily she doesn't cry a ton.


Finally, baby equipment doesn't come naturally to me. The Moby wrap was like a fabric jigsaw puzzle the first time I used it. The car seat buckles were complicated and twisty. And if anyone in the MacArthur Center parking lot saw me getting the stroller out of the car on Sunday, I hope you enjoyed the show. Yes, I did lay Eiley down in the trunk of the car while I figured that ish out. Ridiculous.


The good news is that I am learning. It's not coming easily and I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to work at home while she's here starting in a few weeks, but I'm learning and I'm 67% sure I'll figure it all out. In the meantime, I'll just focus on this precious mug and everything will seem fine.

E is for Effort

Don't you miss the days in elementary school when "E" was a good grade on an assignment? E for effort. In other words, the final product may or may not have been satisfactory, much less impressive, but you were encouraged for giving it your best shot. 

Apparently, this is a great approach with children. One of my favorite books is NurtureShock, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. In their first chapter, "The Inverse Power of Praise" they talk about the detriment of simply telling kids they are smart. Apparently, when you encourage them in specific ways for trying hard, you are building their effort muscles which will serve them better as they face challenges that their natural smartness may not be able to conquer. Kids who get this kind of support can go farther than kids who just get straight up praise. 

Problem is, I'm not a kid anymore. Sure there are kindly people who will have nice things to say when I have clearly put effort into something. But the truth is, if the final product doesn't cut it, the final product doesn't cut it. You don't get special awards or commendations anymore, just because you tried. 

After watching a documentary piece about this amazing artist who got her start taking pictures of her children, I set out with an obscene amount of supplies to do a photo-shoot of my daughter in the park across the street from our apartment. Perhaps is a bit blasphemous to say anything bad about any photo of your own child, but I'm sorry people. This shoot was a fail. 

Doesn't her last expression just capture it? "Mom - what are you thinking?" They're not awful, but I can look at the shots now and see they are just riddled with lighting and background potential. But I was not on my game. Not to say that this was an exception to a phenomenal ability I have otherwise. My photography is like my cooking, its a means to getting to an end I enjoy, but nothing to rave too much about beyond that. But I did not get the enjoyable results I was after this day.

I wish I could give myself an E for Effort. But healthy humility is recognizing that I both have strengths and weaknesses. This shoot wasn't worthy of a Snapshot Saturday. But I guess I got enough "E"s growing up, that I know I can keep trying. After all, E is also for Excellence.

Out of town, in town

As someone with lots of long distance friends, I really love it when people make the effort to come visit me. To emphasize my appreciation, I do my best to show them a good time and make them feel like visiting me is a vacation and a treat. This often means that I end up seeing some of my city's greatest treasures only when I have visitors. Consequently, I end up feeling like I'm on vacation too, even though I never leave town. [This convenience makes a good case for living in vacation destinations - also makes for a great staycation opportunity!]

We had just one such adventure recently when one of my college roommates, and dear friends, Erin came to stay with us. Per my teaser with the most recent Snaptshot Saturday, I took advantage of the opportunity to explore Point Loma for the first time. I've felt a special obligation to see what San Diego thinks a lighthouse should look like, seeing as how we're moving to Maine, which seems to be the lighthouse capital of the country. I figured it would make a good point of reference. 

I felt like such a good mother, providing my child with such a beautiful experience.

But to be honest, I think the highlight of the visit for her, was playing with her toes while we wheeled her around in her stroller.

And despite the amazing view of downtown, the bay, the ocean, the historic lighthouse, etc. etc. etc., the sight I got most excited about was the artichoke plant in the garden by the lighthouse.

Had to capture the white picket fence for Emily - she loves them.

Green and purple are my favorite colors,
how beautiful together in one of my favorite foods! 

They've done up the lighthouse in the way it would have been arranged when the keeper and his family would have lived there [1800's]. Cute and quaint. But note in this shot below, something seems a bit out of place on the bed.

I don't think the lighthouse keeper in the 19th century kept
his laptop by his bed, but what do I know, I wasn't there. 

It was a thoroughly lovely day and a lovely way for Erin, Sofia and I to get some fresh air and exercise!

Sofia and I have such a good time together!

Sofia loves Aunt Erin!!

. . . So lovely, in fact, that I couldn't help but take advantage of the fact that the pass we paid to get in [a mere $5] was good for a whole week. So a few days later, when Manny got back in town, I took him and our friends Lexie and Jamie back to the Point for another lovely day! We revisited everything I'd already seen. And of course, I had to get a few more shots of my artichoke plant.

Thank you Massive Zoom,
for helping me capture the bee pollinating the plant!

But I pushed everyone to move nice and quick so I could get a chance to see other parts of the park as well. In addition to the great peninsula views, lighthouse, and artichoke plant, the park also has access to these beautiful tide pools.

Something isn't quite right when I feel like
the person in this warning illustration
looks like they're having lots of fun.

This time, we had dueling cameras capturing the sites.

I was smart enough to remember the ErgoBaby Carrier for this trip.
Much better flexibility in where we could explore.
But I'm sure poor Sofia missed her toes. 

Hard to appreciate in this shot,
but Lexie's outfit to go hiking in was so adorable.
Breezy white top, cute denim shorts, and a great red belt around her waist.
She never fails to look great, no matter the occasion!

Lobsters, if you're planning on visiting or living in San Diego anytime soon, I agree with all the hype and highly recommend this park as a great worthwhile visit, even twice in one week!

Long Distance Neighborliness

In case you somehow missed it, Emily had her baby! Yay! I know many of you are close to being as excited as I am about this joyous event. You might also be as upset as me that you are unable to be present to hold the darling little bundle.

You might be wishing you could be a good neighbor and bring them a meal for their first days settling into a family of three. Well, have no fear, you can! Check out this link for a MealBaby registry that will allow you to send them a gift card to a restaurant that will either deliver to them or allow them to send out a friend/family member who is present. [of course, if you are a local, you can use this as well!]

Come on Lobsters! Let's show the Fazakerley's what great long distance neighbors we can be!

Burgers and Fries

One of my favorite memories of my mother: When I was in preschool, my class let out about an hour before my little sister's. My mom would pick me up, and to kill the time, she took me out for a burger, fries, and a milk shake at the Big Boy down the road. While this is no lesson worth advocating in an age of childhood obesity, it was so special to get her to myself for that hour. I remember that time as being blissfully happy. 

With Sofia all to myself for a few days when Manny was out of town recently, I decided I needed to take it a bit easy and treat myself to a break from cooking. So we went to try out a burger place I'd never been to. If you haven't been to Five Guys, and you enjoy a good burger and fries, I would encourage you to check this place out. It was so much food it ended up providing me with two meals. The fresh cut fries were delish, and they had what was by far the fanciest touch screen soda machine I've ever seen in my life. 

But the real joy was when I sat down with my food. Ok, french fries just always make me happy. But realizing I was getting to relive that moment from my childhood - mother and daughter on a private little date, enjoy a burger together - I nearly teared up. 

I love my baby girl so much. Mom, thanks for creating that memory way back when, and teaching me what a joy motherly love can be. I love you!

Happy Birthday Eiley!!!

Happy zeroth birthday Eiley Grace Fazakerley!!!

Report from mama Emily:

"eiley grace is here! 8 lbs 11 oz, 20 inches. hurt like whoa :-)"

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Labor!

Just got a call from Emily. Water broke at 3:30 this morning. Mama, papa, grandparents and Aunt Jenna are all at the hospital. Emily is comfortably enjoying her epidural. More updates to come when we "have a person" she says. Prayers and well wishes are welcome! Let's send out some encouragement for Emily and little Eiley!

Snapshot Saturday #8: little hobbit

That would be my Sofia, hiding all cozy-like in her mobi wrap. I'm a big advocate of baby wearing by the way! Shots of her in this wrap always make me think of little hobbits trying to hide from the Eye of Sauron.


What race of creature would you like to be in Lord of the Rings and why?


PS: today is Emily's official due date. Everyone please pray for a healthy delivery!

Be Still

Quiz: what’s one universal challenge new parents face with a new baby? Yay! You guessed it: sleep.

Amazon has no shortage of books about getting babies to sleep (421 results last I checked). In other words, getting babies to sleep is hard. Sure I knew this before my baby was born, but I didn’t know! When I go to sleep, I cozy up in the sheets, put my head on my pillow, and I’m out.

My little Sofia falls asleep while she’s eating. I walk as gracefully as I possibly can to her crib. Ever so gently, I lower her down. BAM, her arms flail out, her head kicks up, her feet spaz in outwardly directions, her eyes startle open with fear, her little mouth is instantly drawn out as if to gasp anxiously. As quickly as she awakes, a delighted little beam shines forth from her face and she is ready to play – not sleep. Cute right? Super cute. Super frustrating.    

Tonight, as I lowered her into her crib, and she startled awake, I placed my hand on her little chest, helping her to be still. In about one, maybe two seconds, her heart beat slowed from a million beats per minute to a nice steady rhythm, her eyelids slowly eased back down, her head relaxed, and she was out. [it’s not always this easy]

She was sleepy all along. She was safe all along. I was never going to let her fall. But she took control for herself and reacted unnecessarily to a simple situation with unhelpful anxiety. Hmmmm . . . . sound familiar? If you’ve ever spent much time observing my life it should be, maybe yours too. Sofia can’t help it, she’s a baby, it’s a natural reflex.

One time in particular, I was overwhelmed with distress. Up late at night, circling around and around upsetting thoughts. A friend of mine, not a Christian at the time by the way, let me vent and then shared this verse with me:

“Be still and know that I am God” [Psalm 46:10 NIV]

It brought me incredible peace. When I am overwhelmed by anxiety, it’s a verse I try to remember. Anxiety can be very real, very physical, and require a lot support and treatment. But this is a good first step for me.

Until tonight, I’d never quite thought about how this looks from God’s perspective. He’s got me in His hands, He knows my needs, He’s keeping me safe, and still, I startle and flee from the very peace I want and He desires for me. This is a failure on my part to know and worship God as He truly is. Once I remember who He is, we [and maybe some friends or even a counselor] might have some more work to do together to deal with the problem at hand, but like I said, it’s a good first step towards peace.

For Sofia, this is what it looks like to wake up from a peaceful night of rest:

Yep. Super cute.

Sabbath Sunday: Waiting for Eiley

Happy Sunday, Lobsters! Today I'm going to observe the Sabbath by eating fresh pineapple (it's supposed to help induce labor), walking a lot, and hanging out with Jeff.

Progress

We may not quite have achieved baby giraffe status, but we've made progress. 

Baby girl is sitting up pretty well these days. 

Anything Once: Girls night out - after baby

It didn’t hit me that it was really going to happen until Sofia was asleep in bed. I rushed into the bathroom to throw on some make up and ran then ran out to the living room. In a desperate whisper, I implored my husband, “I’m going out – what in the world do I wear?” 


I've primarily been sporting PJs or workout clothes. When I go out I always have to calculate the nursing factor, which means I've been circulating through about 6 tank tops and three other shirts for 5 whole months. I barely recall how to dress any other way.

It had been 14 months since I’d gone out without a human inside of/physically attached to my body. I had forgotten how this was supposed to work. I threw on the one dress in my closet that was not an old bridesmaids’ dress or my own wedding dress. I crawled under the bed to find a pair of heels that were collecting dust from over a year of disuse:

I stood stunned at the door, staring at my husband, waiting for a baby's cry to bring me back to what must be reality, but nothing stopped me, so off I went.

As I drove away, a series of thoughts flew through my head:

1)    Pull into the far left lane, you’re a carpool. Wait. No. You can’t drive in the carpool lane. No one else is in the car!

2)    Adele’s “Rolling in the deep” comes on the radio. Oh yeah. Now I’m getting pumped up and excited.

3)    On the freeway now, wish I could leave the windows down – the rush of wind through my hair helps to prep my mood – but for once my hair is “done” so up the windows go.

4)    “Rolling into deep” ends and the following songs and stale air start to be a downer on my mood.

5)    Maybe if I drove faster, that would help keep my excitement rising. I wish I had a convertible right now.

6)    This is too good to be true. I’m speeding, my car feels totally different without an infant babbling in the back seat, something is bound to go wrong. I should really slow down and turn on my defensive driving brain.

7)    Oh shoot, there’s my exit. How am I gonna get around the big rig between my lane and the exit lane?

8)    Oops! Sorry dude I just cut off. Thank you for not crashing into me!

9)    Phew. Made it off the freeway in one piece.

10“There's a fire starting in my heart . . .” Adele’s on again?! Song of the night! Mood is back up.

I went on in to the restaurant. It was awkward figuring out how to relate socially again without a baby to attend to. But everyone was so kind and gracious that I was eventually able to ease back into human interaction and have a great night. Night – as in the time after the sun goes down. Wow. Forgot what the world looked like then!  I sure hope this “anything once” gets many-a-repeat performance! 

Movie Review Monday #6

Before Emily and I were even dating our current husbands, we planned to prepare for our weddings by watching all our favorite wedding movies. And sure enough, during my engagement, she sent me gifts of wedding movie DVD's and we had some great fun re-watching some of our favorites like My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Fools Rush In, Princess Bride. Man, I must be forgetting tons, cause we had quite a list. Emily - why don't you work up a post of our wedding movies? Oh wait, you're about to deliver a baby. Scratch that. 


Emily's due date is coming up, and we really want Eiley to come early for insurance reasons. So Lobsters, I invite you to join with me in cheering Eiley on to get those contractions started and come quick and smooth before July 1 if at all possible. To cheer her on, I would like to provide a list of some of my favorite baby movies I enjoyed, leading up to my own delivery. 


1) Baby Mama. 

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a Tina Fey fan. What you may not have known is that I'm even more of an Amy Poehler fan. I ADORE Parks and Rec. Getting these two into a comedy about having babies together is movie genius. That's just all there is. 


2) Juno. 

Ellen Page and Michael Cera are just two adorable people. It doesn't hurt to have Rainn Wilson in there either, "That ain't no Etch A Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be undid, Homeskillet." Witty and endearing with delightful music throughout. "Anyone else but you" is one of my favorite songs, thanks to Juno. 


3) Away we Go. 

I probably mostly watched this because I am a fan of the Office and therefore John Krasinski. But I was delightfully surprised at how clever and insightful it was at capturing the anxieties of building a home for a young expecting couple [a phase of life I'm intimately familiar with right now]. Also, the stroller scene nearly made me wet my pants from laughing so hard. 


4) Life as We Know It. 

While I do not want to advocate for all of their parenting methods - like shoving a baby down when she's about to take her first steps for example - this movie wins as a fun romantic comedy and a touching baby movie all in one - double score. Furthermore, I'm a sucker for movies about women who cook for a living [for example, I love "No Reservations" even though I usually hate Catherine Zeta Jones] and it doesn't hurt that the baby's name is Sofie [my baby's name is Sofia].  


5) Bella

Ok. To be honest, I didn't get to watch this while I was pregnant, but I really enjoyed this film and have never quite heard as much praise for it as I think it deserved. It's more on the dramatic rather than funny end. I found it both thought provoking and endearing. Beautifully done. 


Huh - strange number of films here about adoption, but that's ok. I would urge pregnant women to stay away from movies like Shutter Island. Well done film and all. Complete and total mistake to watch that when I was hormonal and expecting. If you've seen it, you know why. Also Revolutionary Road was another bad decision during pregnancy, and Inception, though one of my favorite movies of all time, gave me intense nightmares during pregnancy. Something about Leonardo DiCaprio - weird. Anyways - I hope you can enjoy some of these in these final days, Pyg [and other pregnant or baby crazed Lobsters]. 


For Jeff - I recommend The Switch

Surprisingly thoughtful and endearing portrayal of a father's relationship with his son. With the stars from FRIENDS and Arrested Development in a movie together, you wouldn't expect something quite as sweet as what comes out. 


Lobsters, can you think of any great baby-themed films I'm forgetting?