Where I Am

I am in Hanna's living room, softly lit, harmonizing Christmas hymns of hope feeling eternally knit to my neighbors surrounding me, lifting their voices into that vaulted ceiling alongside the trill of Stephen's piano notes. 


I am sitting on the floor of a candle lit chapel in Tennessee, squeezing my bisep up against a tattooed, overweight, knife carrying creature of God's making who sheds tears for lives that have been taken and his own life that is being taken up in redemption. 


I am swaying in the breeze that whips around me from every direction, elevated on a slim walking bridge over a canyon, huddled next to friends who become like kin as Jeff strikes chords and all but my soul falls silent. 


I am splayed out on my back on top of a picnic table, disregarding the dust from the grapefruit orchards that swell around me or the frizz of my hair that grows bushier upon my head and I know, perhaps for the first time in my life, that the Spirit is present in the vocal intonations that fill the open air of this hot, humid night. 


I am in Elise's stark, sterile hospital room, half of one of three clumps that are married-One's clinging to each other in the awkwardness that is staring a terrifying moment in the face, holding each other as tightly as we hold our breath, hoping that little Henry will find his and breath on his own, but in praying, learning that truth is God working through history, through doctors, through technicians, through the very machines that sustain his premature life, that even too soon gives him breath. 


I am at the top of the Nadlers' driveway, with cool air whirling around my body, brushing my face with my long hair - "I have never seen the wind, but I have seen the effects of the wind" - as fear falls from me like scales from my eyes I know my weakness is acceptable in light of His strength and in the hand that is His Sabbath rest. 


I am the place where He makes me know that I Am.

Be Still

Quiz: what’s one universal challenge new parents face with a new baby? Yay! You guessed it: sleep.

Amazon has no shortage of books about getting babies to sleep (421 results last I checked). In other words, getting babies to sleep is hard. Sure I knew this before my baby was born, but I didn’t know! When I go to sleep, I cozy up in the sheets, put my head on my pillow, and I’m out.

My little Sofia falls asleep while she’s eating. I walk as gracefully as I possibly can to her crib. Ever so gently, I lower her down. BAM, her arms flail out, her head kicks up, her feet spaz in outwardly directions, her eyes startle open with fear, her little mouth is instantly drawn out as if to gasp anxiously. As quickly as she awakes, a delighted little beam shines forth from her face and she is ready to play – not sleep. Cute right? Super cute. Super frustrating.    

Tonight, as I lowered her into her crib, and she startled awake, I placed my hand on her little chest, helping her to be still. In about one, maybe two seconds, her heart beat slowed from a million beats per minute to a nice steady rhythm, her eyelids slowly eased back down, her head relaxed, and she was out. [it’s not always this easy]

She was sleepy all along. She was safe all along. I was never going to let her fall. But she took control for herself and reacted unnecessarily to a simple situation with unhelpful anxiety. Hmmmm . . . . sound familiar? If you’ve ever spent much time observing my life it should be, maybe yours too. Sofia can’t help it, she’s a baby, it’s a natural reflex.

One time in particular, I was overwhelmed with distress. Up late at night, circling around and around upsetting thoughts. A friend of mine, not a Christian at the time by the way, let me vent and then shared this verse with me:

“Be still and know that I am God” [Psalm 46:10 NIV]

It brought me incredible peace. When I am overwhelmed by anxiety, it’s a verse I try to remember. Anxiety can be very real, very physical, and require a lot support and treatment. But this is a good first step for me.

Until tonight, I’d never quite thought about how this looks from God’s perspective. He’s got me in His hands, He knows my needs, He’s keeping me safe, and still, I startle and flee from the very peace I want and He desires for me. This is a failure on my part to know and worship God as He truly is. Once I remember who He is, we [and maybe some friends or even a counselor] might have some more work to do together to deal with the problem at hand, but like I said, it’s a good first step towards peace.

For Sofia, this is what it looks like to wake up from a peaceful night of rest:

Yep. Super cute.