Stina "Minty Poo" Ahmann Nevill

Christina "Stina" "Minty Poo" Ahmann Nevill went to be with the Lord two days ago after a long and gracefully-fought battle with cancer. Stina was my Resident Assistant my sophomore year of college, and we were RAs together my junior year of college and I adored her. Some memories:

When we were RAs together, she somehow got the nickname Minty Poo. I honestly am having trouble remembering how that happened. I think she told a story about minty poo, or she really liked someone's story about minty poo...can anyone help me out with this one? Wow, this is a terrible memory about Stina - it involves me not actually remembering. Fail. Oh, except I remember that Stina had such a great sense of humor that she thought it was hilarious to be called minty poo for an entire year.

She once made turkeys out of Nutter Butters and candy corn and then made a video of the turkeys falling in love.

Stina had a contagious smile and a contagious joy.

Her smile almost supersedes the fact that this might be the worst picture ever taken of me.

In my sophomore year of college, I heard some bad news one night and I could not stop crying. I did not want to talk about it. I could not talk about it. Stina happened to be stopping by our room and instead of plying me with questions or trying to fix things, she simply stood by my loft bed and laid her hand on my ankle until I cried myself to sleep. I'm certain she was praying. I will never forget that.

Stina was silly and totally inappropriate. She liked to play a game called BVB. I hated that game. She also liked to play "take video of residents while they're showering without showing any nudity, of course." I lived in fear of that. She never got me, but the girls who did get videoed got her back with a bucket of ice water dumped into her hot shower one morning. She took it in stride (by running out of the shower and tackling them).

Just some normal college kids...and Karl.

She played the violin beautifully, but I don't think I knew that until she was playing at a recital. It was like - surprise! She was humble about her skills.

Stina was fun. I only got to see her once after she graduated, at our RD's wedding in Oregon. She was my date - picked me up from my hotel and everything - and even though we hadn't seen each other in almost two years, it was like no time had passed. She was that kind of friend. You could just pick up where you left off and feel instantly comfortable.

At the end of my sophomore year, Stina held our last section meeting and told us that if we felt led, we could wash the feet of anyone who we wanted to serve in that way and pray for them. Two hours later, I think we had all washed each other's feet and we had just as much water as when we started because everyone was crying. (WOMEN. AmIright?!) Stina could facilitate community and worship. She could facilitate it something fierce.

Standing in a pond, like you do.

You know how when people pass away, we only remember how wonderful they were and we sweep the rest of their memory under the rug? Well, I know Stina wasn't perfect because she was human and all, but I cannot come up with one bad thought about her. She sought to glorify God in everything she did, she had a great sense of humor, she was loving and generous and kind and talented and beautiful. I hope to be more like her when I grow up.

I miss you, Stina.

not to be cliche, but...

In no particular order, this year I am thankful for:

• Friends and family, near and far (BAM, I just covered all of you people). 
• A brand new brother in law who is loving my sister beautifully. (Don't interpret that ickily.)
• A functioning washer and dryer, even though we're paying way too much to rent it.
• Flexible, super understanding bosses.
• A ridiculously nice stroller that is tall enough and inspires me to walk more.
• The oodles of people who blessed us with almost everything we needed (and more!) to care for our new baby girl.
• A church that feels like a home.
• Texas toast from Raisin' Canes. 
• The beauty of the Botanical Gardens and all its stroller-friendly paths.
• These three people (shut up, Buster is too a person), who bless me every. single. day.:

• Fellow crazy dog people, like Arabella and a few of my co-workers and my parents.
• Not one but TWO functioning cars.
• Handmade baby blankets, Clarence the pink bird, the Remo lemon shaker, Adele's Rollin' in the Deep, Sophie the Giraffe, and the light up rubber ducky family. (Happy baby tricks.)
• Toms, the most comfortable shoes of my life that just happen to also be in style.
• Epidurals (well, just the one).
• A heavenly Father who loves me all the time.
• Naps.
• California, Disneyland (I haven't seen it in a couple years, but I'm still thankful for it), In-n-Out, Rubio's, and airplanes.
• You Lobstery people who read this and thus make me want to keep writing, which is something I happen to love to do.
• And, as always, Diet Pepsi. 

Your turn.

Quantity Matters

Hey Lobsters, did you by any chance also have a mom who told you it was the quality of your friends that mattered, not the quantity? Well I’m here to tell you, quantity does indeed matter.

Once upon a time I studied abroad in Sri Lanka for about six weeks. Among plenty of the other cultural contrasts I stumbled upon was their view of romance. It highlighted for me that we Americans believe that One person will fulfill all of our wildest dreams and meet all of our plethora of needs. After six years of marriage to the man I believe to be the universe’s greatest husband, I’m here to tell you, that’s a load of malarkey.

As human beings, we have a wide range of needs. My husband loves and provides for me in an incredible number of ways, and I also have needs that I need my mother to meet, and my sister, and my pastor, my teachers, my daughter, my friends, my father, my grandfather, my grandmother, my community group members, my neighbors, my car insurance guy . . . you get the point. All these other people meet needs in my life and in my heart that aren’t holes Manny is designed to fill – either because of who he is or because of the role he plays in my life. So I am the kind of girl who needed a husband [plenty of you may not even have that particular need], but I also need a whole community of support.

This is true with friends too. When Emily and I first became roommates, she really was my one and only friend. It did not take long at all for me to see that there was no way that could make for a sustainable friendship. She had a job, a boyfriend, other friends, and I couldn’t just tag along like a sick puppy everywhere she went (don’t think I didn’t try). So there’s point one, no single friend deserves the burden of supplying all your friendship needs and wants.   

Fortunately, Emily had several friends. She introduced me to her best friend, Nate (now one of my best friends), who provided me with lots of opportunities to hang out with his other friends (this is how I met my husband by the way!) and so on until I had a nice slew of friends. And it seems that anywhere I go with Emily, I’m meeting new people that I instantly love and admire. Her sister Jenna, her husband Jeff, all her bridesmaids, her former roommate Mikkelle, her videographer friend Tabitha, . . . you get the point. I was always taught that in order to have friends, you had to be a good friend, but apparently, having friends in and of itself helps too! [point two]

Point the last: no one friend CAN meet all your needs for friendship. I need Emily to make me laugh, inspire me to write, give it to me straight, and entertain me with her fantastic voice and ukulele skills. But I need other friends with whom I can cry in movies [Emily has maybe done this – what – twice in her life? I do it in nearly every movie], enjoy a good cup of tea [Emily’s caffeine intake comes exclusively from Diet Pepsi], talk on the phone [Emily will do this out of love – but I know she doesn’t enjoy it]. And I need my friends that I can see in person on a regular basis. To say that Emily’s inability to meet any of these needs is any sort of failure on her part as a friend is entirely erroneous. I need her to be who she is, and I need others to be who they are.

As I piece together and appropriate quantity of quality friendships, I find I am surrounded by a beautiful community – comforting and challenging me in all sorts of ways. It really feeds my ego to be needed in a big way by someone. But I really believe we are designed for community – not just pairing off. When I love this way, I’m more likely to get more of my needs met – and when others love me this way, I’m less likely to feel the pressure to deliver what I can not authentically and sustainably offer.

Are you expecting too much from one friend? What friendships could you forge or strengthen to get more of your own needs met and start putting into practice some of your own untapped gifts and talents to meet needs in others?

Checking In

Hey Lobsters, am I the only one who has been catching up with a friend you thought you were so close to to discover that she's been dating a guy for five months? whoops. Or have you ever been scrolling through the facebook news feed to see a status update from your friend you always thought of as a high-powered-business-woman-not-ready-for-kids posting about her three children you hadn't noticed she'd had? When did that happen?!

I often fail at this when I call old friends by childhood nicknames they've worked hard to grow out of [ironic, as I worked very hard to change my own name], or forget about major career or life changes a friend has undergone since I've seen them last, or show little interest in a family member's dreams for the future. I find it easy to get stuck in memories and hard to keep learning about people love. 

Does anyone else ever witness this effect? I have heard many a wife talk about watching their husbands regress into little boys when they return home to their mother’s house - suddenly forgetting how to cook or clean for themselves. Or people who turn back into their high school selves when they get around their high school friends. Tastes, personalities, life style, and perspectives change with our life experiences. It is helpful for us to adapt our friendships as much as we adapt ourselves. 

The way psychologist, John Gottman, explains it in the context of marriage is staying up to date with your partner’s “love map.” The point he makes is that people are changing all of the time. And if you want someone to feel loved by you, you can’t keep loving them as a person they used to be and ignore the needs and desires of the person they are now. 

Take Emily, for example, I knew her in college when her tastes were rather narrow and she was pretty stubborn about trying new things. But a while back, she started a blog called “Anything Once,” dedicating herself to give new things at least one try. Her tastes have since broadened dramatically.  But if I didn’t take the time to read her blog or check in with her about little details like the ways she likes to spend her free time now or how her job is, I would be loving on a friend I used to know, not the friend I have now.

For some great concrete tools to do this with your spouse, your family members, your old friends, I recommend trying to get your hands on John Gottman's books.

What are some of the ways you keep up with who your friends are becoming, Lobsters? 

Sharing what you share

One of my dearest long distance friends is Catherine. We met when I was a freshman at Westmont and instantly clicked. The more we got to know about each other though, the more we found affinities we shared in common. One key intersections of our persons is our mutual love for creating art.

Cate is a wonderful artist, as is her husband. They both work in several mediums, but Catherine and I especially share a love of photography. I was honored to be a subject in her senior art project, to be the photographer for her wedding, and to have her shoot my senior portrait:

one shot out of an incredible series

We have always enjoyed doing and talking about art together. So it is only fitting that as we have had to live apart for too many years, one of the special ways Catherine stays in touch with me is through art. She and her husband were sending out this great little zine of his drawings for a while, I love following their blogs and facebook photos of their kids - always totally uniquely shot. And each year at Christmas, instead of a card or bought gift, she always sends out these amazing handmade creations the family develops together. Here are the magnets they sent me a few years ago that I use every day and love to death:

Consider one of your long distance friends, Lobsters. What is the heart of your friendship? Is it a thing or experience that is really geographically bound?

Comfort Friends

I was on the chapel worship team in college. I loved it because I learned to be a better singer and I had some incredible times with Jesus as a result of the combination of singing His praise and fully depending on Him to ease my nerves. The other people on the team were awesome, and I made some great friends there.

Hey, here's one of those friends - Clausen!

All that said, I was never fully comfortable in that group. I was intimidated by the fact that I was the least musically gifted person on the team. (This is absolutely not me fishing for compliments, nor did anyone on the team ever make me feel lesser - it's just a fact, and I was totally fine with it.) I was also intimidated by the fact that many of the people on the team were just ridiculously cool and many had similar quirky senses of humor that I didn't always fully get. Basically, chapel worship team tended to give me the unnecessary insecurity of a junior higher. 


My junior year of college, I was also a Resident Assistant. This meant that I constantly hung out in our dorm's lounge - manning the snack bar, playing ping pong, watching TV, or just hanging out. I freaking loved our dorm. My fellow Resident Assistants were all incredible, and I adored the residents too. It was your basic ball o' squishy feelings in Armington Halls. 

We still love each other after college. Here are some of us
Armington RAs at Andrea's amazing wedding in 2007.

One night, I went to a worship team party. We had a good time singing, laughing, hanging out. When I left, though, I noticed that I was kind of exhausted from not fully being myself. I was always either trying a little too hard at those things or just being quiet, which is equally tiring for me. I decided that I'd just drop into the Armington Lounge and maybe catch a game of ping pong or say hi to whoever was on duty there. When I walked in, there was a group of about five people gathered around a  giant tub of that cheap but delicious generic rainbow sherbet that you can find at drugstores. They all looked up when I entered, and they all said "Emily!" like I was Norm from Cheers. One of the guys held up a spoon, and I joined the group, relaxed and comfortable with these friends. 


I can't explain how thoroughly that little moment warmed my awkward little heart. 


Ever find yourself unable to get comfortable with perfectly wonderful people?  Or have you ever been surprised to feel at home with a group of friends?

eFriendship

I think that 100 years ago, people probably managed to have some perfectly lovely long distance friendships. I know I still love getting snail mail letters and I really love getting packages – as rare as both of these occasions may be. But it also seems like advances in technology today don’t hurt.

I have her to thank for my Gmail and Facebook accounts, for my first ever Skype conversation, and for my entre into texting and blogging. Wow – can you believe that all happened within the past decade? Seems like we’ve always had this stuff. Thanks to technology, there’s less excuse for distance getting in the way of being present in the lives of people you love. Yes, it’s different, but not all together impossible.

For example, last week, my husband, Manny, and I were having a little coffee date in one of my favorite spots, The Living Room in La Jolla. Cozy, textural, with a view of the ocean. This was our first time back there with Sofia. I was trying to work on writing a paper, but the caffeine jolt had plagued me with a bad case of temporary A.D.D., so I was really more focused on chatting with Emily through Gmail.

I just had to describe to her the preciousness of the moment as I was enjoying it. I was sitting on a red, velvety couch working on my laptop. My husband was sitting beside me, working on his laptop, and Sofia sat in between us, propped up by our bodies and the couch [she can’t quite sit up yet], looking all around. I handed her my cell phone and told her, “here Sofia, this can be your computer so you can work like Mommy and Daddy too.” Sweet, right? Wait for it.

No sooner had I typed the words out than I heard a beep coming from my phone. I glanced down to see my daughter staring intently at the screen, which displayed this text “HI, SOFI BELLA!” As I howled with delight, my husband [who rivals Emily in wit] unlocked the phone and opened up the keypad, helping Sofia to tap away her own text in response. Her message to Emily read, “Jkkn g57kxmvqqag Uldl bf.” She’s so communicative.

It’s not so much what tools you have at hand, but how you put those tools to use. My friend Catherine creates the most amazing homemade Christmas presents that she sends each year. My mom sends thoughtful care packages. My grandmother sends old photo albums with awesome captions under each photo. My dad sends pictures of himself where his expression says all that needs to be said. Emily puts technology to use to make me feel like she is present in my everyday life.

How could you use the tools you have available to reach out to a friend who might benefit from your involvement in their lives?

Virtual Baby Shower

Most people (including myself) would think that living across the country from a friend means you obviously can't throw them a baby shower when they're expecting. For example, when Zoe was pregnant, I simply arranged for our college friends to pool our money to mail her a bunch of gifts. Sure, that was a nice thought - but it was practically rude compared to what Zoe did for me.


Last Sunday, Zoe arranged a virtual baby shower. She mailed out party packs in advance to the guests (ten college friends from around the country) that included glasses to decorate and game pieces. She arranged for gifts to be mailed in time to open at the shower. She upgraded her Skype account to accommodate a conference call. And she did all this while being an amazing mother/wife/etc and starting this blog with me. I'm starting to think she has learned how to function with a complete lack of sleep.


The shower was amazing! We started out by briefly updating each other on our lives, then we played baby-themed mad gabs and a round of telephone pictionary, and we wrapped things up with Jeff and me opening gifts. Except for the occasional technical blip, it was just like being in the same room at a regular, fun baby shower. The fact that we were on Skype just made it extra creative and memorable. So BAM...there's your intense, tangible example of long distance friendship, Lobsters. I recommend using this idea - it would work for other things too, like bridal showers or birthday parties.

2/3 of the party!

Nathan, who had the most impressively decorated glasses

Guest Blogging

What's another way you can cultivate long distance friendships? Guest post on one another's blogs!

My first guest blogging experience was posted today. I got to write for one of my favorite blogs, thanks to my old friend and Spring Break In the City co-conspirator, Becca Eliasen.

Check out the post here: Confessions of a . . .

You should browse her blog, its adorable and encouraging. Then you should comment on both of our blogs begging her to guest blog for us too. Wouldn't that be great? Yes, it would. Come on Lobsters, together, we can make this happen! ;)

Surprised by sadness

I was not excited about this year as I entered into it. It took some convincing to get me on board with the idea of my husband doing a post-doctoral appointment before settling into a tenure track position. But then he got offers for both, which meant the three years we’d planned on spending in one place got abbreviated to one, before moving onto a longer term post. Less than one year in a place is not much, especially when you’re having your first baby in the middle of that year.

One year is especially not much for a married couple of introverts. We’re slow to warm up to people. I knew I was going to need a community of support when I had my baby, and I had no idea how that was going to come together. I was putting all my eggs in the basket of the one family of friends we had in San Diego, a family of four kids and consequently a very busy schedule.

Being what it was, I did what I could do. We visited our one family of friends often. When another friend who was really just barely more than an acquaintance moved down from Berkeley shortly after us, I clung to her and took advantage of any time she could spare to spend with me. We curtailed our church shopping to plug into a community faster. But still, my new friend was bound to find a job to take up her time eventually, and when we met people at church we would often hear, “Oh, you’re those people who are leaving in less than a year, I heard about you.”

It wasn’t looking good, so I settled into the year, thinking of it as a 12-month long vacation in a sunny beach town. Now that our time here is running out, I’ve found that the weather in San Diego is not as idyllic as I’d expected, I’ve hardly set foot on the beach more than a few times, and I actually have people I’m going to miss when we leave.

Sure enough, my acquaintance has found work, but only after I got spoiled by taking weekly walks with her. She’s become a dear friend, I miss her, and I’m really sad I can’t take her with me to Maine. We figured the church we found would just be a place to attend on Sunday mornings, but they’ve folded us into their community, gotten us passionate about their mission, involved us in their efforts to renew the city around them. The other night, a member of our community group actually told us he would miss us when we left. I was stunned. And I’ve found so many other friends. Women from a Beth Moore bible study, partners in community development in City-Heights, mental health advocates around the city. People I’ve come to respect and love deeply. They touched my life and shaped me, in such a short period of time. I can’t believe it, but I’m going to be sad to leave this town and all the people that have come to mean a great deal to me. I guess I’ve added a whole new package of long-distance friends to my collection. Thank you San Diego. 

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold . . . 

Lobsters, have you ever been pleasantly surprised to be sad to leave a place?

So no one told you life was gonna be this way *clap*clap*clap*clap*

I’ve been re-watching my DVDs of FRIENDS season 10 lately. Was I the only one who paid money for the whole Rembrants cd only to find out that this was the only tolerable song on it? Anyways, I got to thinking, what do they mean by "there" when they say "I'll be there for you"?

After ten years of crazy antics, but ultimately faithful friendship to each other, the crew disbands, the series ends. Based on the show, loyalty in friendship was supposedly contingent on geographic proximity. Can you really stay good friends with someone who isn’t your room or hall mate anymore?

10 years ago, I met Emily on a shuttle in downtown Santa Barbara. We shared a glorious year in our college dorm room, B309. But our friendship was really solidified when Emily went abroad to study in Spain. We were really good roommates, but we’re freaking amazing long distance friends. And that’s a good thing – cause everyone scatters after college, but for me, that didn’t have to mean losing one of the greatest gifts my college years gave to me.

Being “there” for one another has meant loving on each other from California, Texas, Virginia, Spain, Sri Lanka, and soon to come, Maine. There has been little about our friendship that has been convenient, but Emily has been “there” for me as we graduated college, got our first jobs, got married, explored career options and grad school, supported our husbands through grad school, and now as we are entering into motherhood.

Seeing as how we live in a time, which forces us to redefine “neighbor” in order to have any longevity in our relationships, I think its worthwhile to reflect on our friendship and figure out how we’ve managed so well. I want us to be there for each other for the decade to come. I want to see if we’ve learned anything worth offering to others. 

Who couldn’t use a little less loneliness, a little more support, a lot more laughter, and heaps more love? I think this is one of the great human projects: to figure out how to love each other better. So join us in this journey. Test out some of our tricks, offer us some suggestions, or just enjoy a good laugh. It’ll be good to have you “here” with us!