Checking In

Hey Lobsters, am I the only one who has been catching up with a friend you thought you were so close to to discover that she's been dating a guy for five months? whoops. Or have you ever been scrolling through the facebook news feed to see a status update from your friend you always thought of as a high-powered-business-woman-not-ready-for-kids posting about her three children you hadn't noticed she'd had? When did that happen?!

I often fail at this when I call old friends by childhood nicknames they've worked hard to grow out of [ironic, as I worked very hard to change my own name], or forget about major career or life changes a friend has undergone since I've seen them last, or show little interest in a family member's dreams for the future. I find it easy to get stuck in memories and hard to keep learning about people love. 

Does anyone else ever witness this effect? I have heard many a wife talk about watching their husbands regress into little boys when they return home to their mother’s house - suddenly forgetting how to cook or clean for themselves. Or people who turn back into their high school selves when they get around their high school friends. Tastes, personalities, life style, and perspectives change with our life experiences. It is helpful for us to adapt our friendships as much as we adapt ourselves. 

The way psychologist, John Gottman, explains it in the context of marriage is staying up to date with your partner’s “love map.” The point he makes is that people are changing all of the time. And if you want someone to feel loved by you, you can’t keep loving them as a person they used to be and ignore the needs and desires of the person they are now. 

Take Emily, for example, I knew her in college when her tastes were rather narrow and she was pretty stubborn about trying new things. But a while back, she started a blog called “Anything Once,” dedicating herself to give new things at least one try. Her tastes have since broadened dramatically.  But if I didn’t take the time to read her blog or check in with her about little details like the ways she likes to spend her free time now or how her job is, I would be loving on a friend I used to know, not the friend I have now.

For some great concrete tools to do this with your spouse, your family members, your old friends, I recommend trying to get your hands on John Gottman's books.

What are some of the ways you keep up with who your friends are becoming, Lobsters?