Through the monitor

Baby monitor snuggled up with stuffed animals in Sofia's crib.

Today, after attempting to put Sofia down for a nap, I instead heard her babbling to herself for a good long time. Eventually though, the babbling seemed to get much closer, and then started to sound like slobber-on-electronics. Turned out my theory was correct. She had grabbed the monitor off the table to the side of her crib [apparently not far enough off to the side], pulled it into the crib, and was talking right into it and attempting to eat it as well. She sure knows how to get my attention.


I'm thinking about communication a great deal lately. I have enjoyed having an outlet through this blog to communicate with all of you, even though most of you who read are invisible to me. This new outlet comes at the same time that I have this new little person to communicate with.


This past year, I've had to learn so much about non-verbal communication. Despite all the promises of baby books that I would be able to "learn to distinguish my baby's cries," I found out that it was not so easy. How many times did she cry, or make strange faces, or wave her hands around in weird ways and leave me baffled as to what she meant? So many.


My mom had the most brilliant idea this past Christmas [this is a bit of a tangent, just go with me here]. Who can afford to give every person in the family a Christmas gift anymore? And with our family so spread out, figuring out gifts that each person - that you haven't seen in two years - is an insurmountable challenge. For lots of our family gatherings, we've resorted to Secret Santa exchanges or White Elephant games in lieu of presents. But to bring back in some of that personal touch that made exchanging gifts with everyone so special, my mom's idea was this: we drew names, Secret Santa style, but instead of just getting that person a gift, you asked two questions:


1) What was your biggest challenge this past year?
2) What are you most looking forward to about this coming year?


With your recipient's answers in mind, you could make an informed gift buying decision that spoke to where they were in life. When we exchanged gifts, we shared what we learned about the person we were giving to, so the whole family got this efficient, but really meaningful update on each other and a beautiful opportunity to connect. It was so fantastic.


My answer to question number two was looking forward to being able to communicate with Sofia, as she acquired language. A few less befuddled guessing games, and we could really start getting somewhere. My aunt had drawn my name and got me a great book on baby sign language - isn't that perfect?! Sofia has already mastered a few signs. Though mostly, I think she's mastered the idea that signs get her things she wants. So when we're not clearly understanding her, she just runs through all the signs until we get it, and also fall over laughing. This is going to be a fun year!


While I am having fun hearing her express words in meaningful ways, so slowly, but surely, there's another part of me that is going to miss the way we've communicated this past year. Even if I don't feel confident about translating all of her cries, we did develop our own mommy-baby language of sorts. I felt adamant about finding ways to figure out what she was thinking and feeling, as confusing as that process might have been. I was able to subconsciously come to know her quirks, her funny eye-rolls, tilts of her head, inflections in her babbles. I was able to learn things about her moods, her energy level, her interests, her fears. And there was something so uniquely intimate in that bond we developed.


When I can resort to words with everyone else, I rely on those words to tell me what people mean. Of course, that's not a great idea, since most communication is non-verbal [hence Emily's wise distaste for talking on the phone, because she knows that she's missing most of the conversation that way]. But I'm lazy. I take people at their word, I'm gullible like that. But Sofia has been teaching me to listen more fully, because apparently I didn't learn that lesson well enough in my MSW program. As I take that lesson into my communication with my husband, with friends, with my family, I'm finding so much more intimacy in my relationships.


And so as Sofia learns words, it feels bittersweet. I know my lazy self. We won't have to work quite so hard to understand each other, so we won't, and we'll probably miss a bit of content about the other's inner self that way.


So as fun as it was for Sofia to say "tick tock" when she saw some cool clocks this morning, I hope I'll keep looking to see her eyes light up, her mouth form that little "o!" of excitement, and feel the way her body lurches towards the object of her fascination. I hope she has changed me forever, at least to some degree, so that we can maintain this intimacy, and I can learn to be a mother/wife/daughter/friend who listens more fully.

eFriendship

I think that 100 years ago, people probably managed to have some perfectly lovely long distance friendships. I know I still love getting snail mail letters and I really love getting packages – as rare as both of these occasions may be. But it also seems like advances in technology today don’t hurt.

I have her to thank for my Gmail and Facebook accounts, for my first ever Skype conversation, and for my entre into texting and blogging. Wow – can you believe that all happened within the past decade? Seems like we’ve always had this stuff. Thanks to technology, there’s less excuse for distance getting in the way of being present in the lives of people you love. Yes, it’s different, but not all together impossible.

For example, last week, my husband, Manny, and I were having a little coffee date in one of my favorite spots, The Living Room in La Jolla. Cozy, textural, with a view of the ocean. This was our first time back there with Sofia. I was trying to work on writing a paper, but the caffeine jolt had plagued me with a bad case of temporary A.D.D., so I was really more focused on chatting with Emily through Gmail.

I just had to describe to her the preciousness of the moment as I was enjoying it. I was sitting on a red, velvety couch working on my laptop. My husband was sitting beside me, working on his laptop, and Sofia sat in between us, propped up by our bodies and the couch [she can’t quite sit up yet], looking all around. I handed her my cell phone and told her, “here Sofia, this can be your computer so you can work like Mommy and Daddy too.” Sweet, right? Wait for it.

No sooner had I typed the words out than I heard a beep coming from my phone. I glanced down to see my daughter staring intently at the screen, which displayed this text “HI, SOFI BELLA!” As I howled with delight, my husband [who rivals Emily in wit] unlocked the phone and opened up the keypad, helping Sofia to tap away her own text in response. Her message to Emily read, “Jkkn g57kxmvqqag Uldl bf.” She’s so communicative.

It’s not so much what tools you have at hand, but how you put those tools to use. My friend Catherine creates the most amazing homemade Christmas presents that she sends each year. My mom sends thoughtful care packages. My grandmother sends old photo albums with awesome captions under each photo. My dad sends pictures of himself where his expression says all that needs to be said. Emily puts technology to use to make me feel like she is present in my everyday life.

How could you use the tools you have available to reach out to a friend who might benefit from your involvement in their lives?