Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Here's the fifth installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 32 year old watching Star Wars for the first time:

• "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" wasn't scrolling, and I got SO excited for about three seconds, but NOOOOO...scrolly exposition is still here.
• Dooku continues to be a ridiculous name.
• Boom! Right into battle!
• I feel like I'm watching someone play a video game.
• If Amazon ends up using droids for deliveries, a rival service should use buzz droids to mess them up.
• If R2D2's head gets lopped off by that buzz droid, I'm going on Star Wars strike.
• Who's this skeleton robot? I've literally never seen this creature before, and he seems like a main character.

  

  Photo from disqus.com

• Whoa! The light saber's a walkie talkie to R2D2?! NEAT. It's a shame it's going to blow his cover.
• These robots' voices are the opposite of intimidating.
• R2D2 FIRE.
• Dooku starts the fight with a triple forward flip and sticks the landing. 10!
• "Twice the pride, double the fall." That sounds like a bad advertising slogan.
• Ewan appears to be squished.
• Anakin should have said "Dooku, don't lose your head" before he did that.
• This is a mean Chancellor.
• Wilhelm scream!
• If the ship is split open, wouldn't there be a distinct lack of gravity? How is all this falling happening? Scratch that. They'd all, like, implode and suffocate all the time if real space rules applied.
• Ruh-roh.
• General Grievous? Really phoned that name in, didn't we?
• It'd be useful for wizards to learn the Force. Obi Wan and Anakin essentially just performed "Accio Lightsaber" without wands.
• Why does Grievous have a cough and a cape? He's a robot.
• Ewan never falters in his positive spirit. He'd make a great Christmas elf.
• I hope they're going to visit some Ewoks or Yoda or something cute.
• R2D2 screams like a pansy girl.
• That ship looks like the monorail!
• Anakin's hair. Yeesh.
• President Santos! In a blue pimp coat! 
• Padme still wants Anakin to be her super secret special friend.
• "I'm pregnant." "That's...................." way too long pause "..........wonderful."
• Oh, please. You cannot brush curls like that. They'd frizz into a mane. 
• No, I'M so in love. No, I am! No, I AM. Gag.
• It'd be so great if this whole movie was just like, getting ready to be a dad...in space. Baby shower...in space. Going into labor...in space! And they just give up the battles and everything.
• Yoda!
• Now all I can think is that Frank Oz was on Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me and he came across a bit haughty. Haughty Yoda.
• Ooo Anakin's going to spy on the Chancellor. (I think of Chancellor Arnold from Beverly Hills 90210 every time I hear the word Chancellor.)
• Yoda's speech pattern is officially NOT endearing.
• I don't believe Samuel L. Jackson is part of this fictional world. He's just himself in a robe.
• Oh, Natalie. This is not your best work.
• Ominous music. What the heck are they watching? Looks like Cirque performed by giant goldfish (or sperm?) in large floating drops of water.
• How'd Chancellor know they wanted Annie to spy on him? This guy's a total creeper. Is he the Sith Lord in Grievous's hologram?!
• Wookies! Finally!
• Did that Wookie just do a Tarzan yell?
• I can't remember if Obi Wan is alive in the older movies. That last scene between Anakin and Obi Wan felt rather final.
• "I want more!" - Anakin so often sounds like a petulant child.
• Obi Wan is now riding a giant lizard that looks plucked directly from a mediocre show on SyFy.
• Oh, snap. That was a rad move, Obi Wan. Crashing that giant thing from the ceiling then casually lopping that robot's head off. A-.
• Wow! Grievous has a lot of arms!
• Extreme eye close-ups!
• Oh, no! Quick - Accio Lightsaber again!
• I think the Chancellor would be good friends with President Snow.
• Confirmed Sith Lord Chancellor!
• Grievous has a heart! Or something organic and squishy. That explains the cough.
• And now...an entire scene of Anakin and Padme staring out their windows.
• I'll bet those snakes on the plane aren't looking so bad now, Samuel L.
• Ew.
• Super poor choice, Anakin.
• Darth Vader! Imperial march! Get that boy a costume change!
• Man. Anakin decided to go to the dark side and now he's just all in.
• Mugatu, noooooo!
• Character from Avatar, nooooo!
• I usually like montages, but this one's depressing.
• Yoda with the double head chop!
• Yoda riding piggyback on Chewie. Adorbs.
• Is Anakin going to kill all these baby Jedis?!
• Phew, President Santos got away.
• Wookie communication is similar to Margot communication: Lots of adorable, meaningful head tilting.
• "Are you all right?" - Padme. Anakin's response should be "Oh, I'm fine. I'm just on a killing spree. NBD."
• Can't R2 tell Padme that Anakin has LOST IT?
• I wonder how many people Yoda has killed.
• I realize that Anakin's motivation is to keep his wife alive, but I have to say...dude is evil. He must have always had it in him. *I'm realizing that this is probably a great nerd debate and maybe not that simple, but it seems pretty clear to me.
• That alien looked like the witch's guards in Wizard of Oz.
• Did Obi Wan really not know who the father of Padme's kid was yet?
• At least Anakin is crying. That's a point for the "he's not all evil" side of the nerdebate.
• Padme's ability to run while pregnant is wildly unrealistic.
• Anakin's really hung up on comparing Padme to his mother. 
• "You turned her against me!" He should stomp his feet when he says such things.
• Every time Yoda destroys guards with ease I giggle. Adorable violence.
• Poke him in the face so he has to wear a mask and breathe funny, Obi Wan!
• What's this electricity magic power? I'm guessing he doesn't use it more often because it makes him look...like that.

  

  Darth Sidious? More like Darth Sidiyuck.
  Photo from starwars.com

• The prominent choral portion of the score makes me feel that we're reaching the end of this interminable fight scene.
• "It's over, Anakin. I have the higher ground." - Lorelai Gilmore's anger at this is not unreasonable.
• Anakin clearly never played hot lava as a child. So much burning!
• "Is Anakin all right?" NO.
• Lying flat on her back while pregnant. Was there not one mother on set to correct these little things?
• Hey, Anakin, silver lining: Your terrible, terrible hair is gone.
• So Luke and Leia must be twins. (A robot confirmed that three seconds after I wrote it. Neat.)
• That putting on the Darth Vader mask shot was COOL.
• Padme totally would have lived if Anakin hadn't gone all dark side in an effort to save her.
• "NOOOOOOOO!" Hehe.
• Padme's mortician has skillz.

  

  I've never looked that good. And I'm alive.
  Photo from www.rebelshaven.com

• Surely this film will end soon. Ah, we're establishing the twins' lives.
• It's over!

In conclusion, this was the best of the newer films and I very nearly enjoyed it. Only one more, and then I'll have earned my right to see JJ's film! 

Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Here's the second installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 31 year-old watching the Star Wars films for the first time ever:

• This opens with scrolly exposition too. I keep briefly thinking "What, did they make this in iMovie?"
• Hoth, I have heard of you.
• Kangaroo dinosaur ram, you don't look like you should live in cold climates.
• Abominable snowman from Matterhorn?! Disneylaaaaand.
• Han has already said "Chewie" more times in this film than in the entirety of the last one.
• One...two...three...FOUR looks from Leia to Han fraught with meaning.
• These braids are much more becoming than those ear muff buns, Princess. 
  
• Ha, I thought that stalactite guy was using the Force to get a soda. It was a light saber.
• What is with people using light sabers to cut off arms?! At least this time it's for survival.
• Dude, you are screwed. FOG.
• Why can C3P0 feel cold but he doesn't feel pain when his limbs get torn off? Sub-question: why doesn't C3P0 just put on a coat?
• Aw, Chewie's sad.
• Oh, circle fade. Classy.
• What?! That was Luke the whole time?! Seriously thought he was a disposable extra.
• Mark Hamill's acting abilities have remained consistent from the last film to this one.
• Holy cow, that's a gross way to stay warm.
• Mark Hamill's hair has remained consistent from the last film to this one.
• "Laser brain." Classic.
• "Laugh it up, fuzz ball." These insults are so witty. Wow.
• "Nerf herder." What does that mean? That's the name of the band that does the Buffy theme music.
• Wow, Leia blatantly kissing Luke to just to make Han jealous. She has the emotional maturity of a lamp.
• IMPERIAL MARCH.
• I'd like to think that there's an imperial soldier with the title "Lead Darth Vader helmet shiner" and he's darn good at his job.
• I want to hug Chewie too! Did Luke just scratch his neck like he's a puppy?
• How long after the first movie does this take place?
• Ooo Darth's pod thingy is neat.
• Darth can The Force those guys via Skype?!
• My informants here tell me the best battle of the movie is about to happen.
• I'm sorry, does C3P0 keep changing colors?
• Are the oompa loompa soldiers cheering about going into battle? That seems unhealthy. "WOOO! We might die right now!"
• Oh, guy in Luke's vehicle. You are doomed.
• Imperial walkers look cool, but those long legs seem impractical.
• Ohhhh...they have legs so Luke could provide an easy solution to destroy them.
• Oh, guy in Luke's vehicle. Predictably, you have died.
• They're just going to trip those giant, impenetrable machines? Yeah, okay.
• Don't yell at Chewie, Han!
• K, Luke. Just fight the imperial walker with your bare hands. No big deal.
• Oh my gosh, I was kidding, Luke.
• Sometimes Darth is intimidating, but sometimes I picture that underneath that costume is a sweaty comic book nerd with a mullet "bum-bum-bumming" the imperial march to himself.
• Leia has clearly never been on Star Tours. Of course Han's going through the asteroids.
• Now Han is just showing off. You're a good pilot. We get it.
• I think Luke just landed in a scene from The Neverending Story.
• I'm betting that R2D2 can't swim.
• I was wrong.
• Swamp creature'd!
• Did R2D2 just get thrown up and then throw up?
• Darth Vader's skin!
• I love "this building/vehicle is shaking...whoOAa" acting.
• Yesss...find Yoda, Luke!
• "Did he say to find yogurt?" - Eiley
• What! Is Yoda voiced by Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear?!
• I'm super disappointed. Yoda isn't as cute as I thought he'd be.
• Can one use the Force on a robot?
• Jeff just got defensive when I told him Yoda wasn't as cute as I'd anticipated: "I think he's frickin' adorable." 
  
• Ooo. Loooove music. Or just Leia music? No, love music. Whoa, she's trembling. Keep it PG, Harrison.
• KISS.
• C3P0 is a master moment killer.
• Wait! Who's this creeper that Darth bows to?
• Is Darth Vader also Annikin Skywalker?
• I hope R2D2 doesn't rust.
• Yoda has a cozy little Hobbit hole.
• Is Ben's...aura...floating around haunting people?
• I wish Yoda would wiggle his ears like Sloth from Goonies.
• Sucky cave monster!
• Oh, dear. They were in a sand worm from Beetlejuice.
• Yoda backpack!
• Is Luke supposed to be listening to Yoda monologuing?
• There should be a Jedi training montage.
• Now I have "Eye of the Tiger" in my head.
• DARTH VADER.
• LIGHT SABERS.
• BEHEADING.
• LUKE BEHEADING...himself? Wait, what? And why is Yoda so smug about that?
• Lizard imperial soldier out of nowhere.
• Yes. I am so ready for light speed.
• Thanks for telling C3P0 to shut up, Leia.
• Bless that guy's heart. "I'll apologize to Vader." Pro tip, dude: Defect.
• Didn't Luke move a blaster with the Force on Hoth earlier? Oh, Yoda's trying to get him to Force his vehicle. That's heavier.
• So Luke begs Yoda to teach him then gives up after like two lessons? "You want the impossible." Whine, sulk, pout.
• Yoda's showing how it's done. Oh, snap.
• Does using the Force require energy?
• "I don't believe it." "That...is why you fail."
• Told you to defect, dummy.
• What's C3P0 even there for?
• Lando Calrissian is an awesome name.
• Does Luke have to do a handstand to use the Force? Because that's going to make using it to fight really awkward.
• Yes, eventually Han and Leia will die, Luke. I can't see the future, but their mortality seems fairly obvious.
• Something terrible happens every time they say everything's going to be okay.
• Oh, phew. Exception! Lando friendship!
• Whoa. Down, boy.
• Is it okay that I don't really care that C3P0 just got blasted?
• I'm confused - is Luke going to fight Vader with the Force? Or a light saber? Or both?
• Why does Leia hate everyone?
• Lando is a super creeper.
• TWIST! Vader in the dining room.
• Oh, shoot. Judging by the music, I am supposed to care about C3P0.
• Han Solo torture!
• Lando, don't talk back to Vader.
• "I feel terrible." - first line I genuinely laughed at.
• I keep thinking about Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls complaining that this all comes down to who has higher ground, and I'm curious about how that'll come into play.
• "I love you." "I know." Ohhh...that explains my cousin's tattoo. Ha! 
  
• Do people actually expect Vader to keep his word?
• That shot of Luke meeting Darth Vader for the first time is legit chilling.
• Light saber fight!
• Why are we strangling the guy who just released us, Chewie?
• I like legless C3P0 more.
• Why doesn't Luke blaster Vader?
• What just happened? Does Luke think a little fall killed Vader?
• Luke is phoning this fight in.
• It bugs me that I have no idea what the plan is here other than "run around the building shooting blasters and pressing any buttons on the walls that we find."
• Is Vader trying to kill Luke or turn him evil?
• Luke. Your hand fell off.
• "I'm your father." 
• "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE." I found Hamill's delivery of this line brilliant...ly hilarious.
• Cutting off someone's hand is probably not the best tactic to persuade them to join your team.
• Luke Skywalker: Really brave or really dumb?
• Crying out to one's hallucination for help has to be rock bottom. Oh, we switched to crying out for Leia. Much better.
• Please let Luke just plop down into the Falcon's moonroof.
• Hahaha...YESSSS.
• Where is Han? Still cryogenically frozen somewhere with Vader?
• My desire to see light speed is pretty intense, and I keep getting disappointed. They make it look so easy at Disney.
• What! Is Vader brainwashing Luke?
• I love the way James Earl Jones says "DEStinyyy."
• LIGHT SPEED. FINALLY.
• Is there a maximum distance Vader can reach with the Force? Why doesn't he just relax in a hammock and strangle all his enemies?
• Cyber hand looks real.
• Wait, do we know Luke and Leia are bro/sis now?
• Seriously, where did Han go?
• This movie has zero resolution!
• Hey, cool, John Ratzenberger was in this.
  

Conclusion: This was a fun movie. It bothers me that people pronounce Han and Falcon differently. That's all.