Movie Review Monday: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Here's the sixth installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 32 year old watching Star Wars for the first time. You can find the other installments here: Episode I, Episode II, Episode III, Episode IV, Episode V.

• This movie hasn't started yet, but I'm prepared for EWOKS!
• Why are there four dots on the ellipsis? (A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....)
• *
• Man, these opening shots must have looked SO cool in the 70s. I mean, they look pretty cool now!**
• I'm having trouble transforming Hayden Christenson into someone who has James Earl Jones' voice.
• Whoa, someone is above Darth Vader in rank?
• I will call this an Oz gatekeeper robot. 
• I already like this movie WAY more than the others.
• Hog man!
• Snake tumor-head man!
• Is this just a planet of ugly? And that's why Jabba the Hutt is their leader?
• Is someone playing the pan pipes?!
• I think Jabba could be cute if he had a modicum of kindness in his heart.

  

  Eh, maybe not.

• If robots could faint, C3P0 would be flat on the ground by now.
• Oh. Ugly planet burlesque dancing. Shudder.
• This scene is SO WEIRD. I half expect emo-Toby-Spiderman to join in on this train wreck.
• Bye, green girl.
• Chewbacca! His hair looks terrible.
• I like that blue elephant Muppet.
• Lando! Thanks for tugging your disguise down just enough for us to see it's you. Subtle.
• I wonder how many actors have had to emerge from cryogenic hibernation. Now I feel like watching Demolition Man.
• Caught! You just HAD to make out a little before getting away.
• Aww! Chewie and Han are having a snuggle.
• Woo! Luke used the Force big time.
• I would not want my brother to see me in that outfit. Give Leia your glorified bath robe, Luke!
• Eeesh! That is one nasty monster.
• I wonder if that Hog man tasted like ham or human.
• Ah, the old "prop his mouth open with a bone" trick.
• Aw, that obese human is sad about losing his pet abomination.
• Are those nerfs? As in, nerf herder?
• Is R2D2 a waiter now?
• Wait, why did we have to wait until the last minute to make this move?
• Wilhelm scream!
• Take him down, Leia!
• This monster is like Tremors + Beetlejuice sand monster + Audrey 2. (If you understand all those references, then 20 points to your house!)
• Magnetic droid pick-up!
• Wow. The shape of the starfighter pasta in my Star Wars mac and cheese is really accurate.
• Oh, right. Emperor Palpatine is Darth Vader's master.
• Yoda!
• Holy cow, almost halfway through and no Ewoks.
• Someone should recreate these Yoda scenes with Miss Piggy.
• Oh, no. Don't die, Yoda.
• Yes, Luke. Darth Vader is your father. Keep up.
• Speak up, Yode. Can I call you Yode?
• Buster is snoring, which is appropriate for this particular scene.
• John Williams is really working his oboist. Or bassoonist?
• Yoda way overacted that death scene.
• Yoda disappeared like a Buffy vampire when he died!
• Obi Wan. You basically lied, don't try to justify that. "From a certain point of view." Psh.
• OH. He still doesn't know Leia's his sister? That's going to be awkward.
• Who's this Julie Andrews wannabe?
• Ackbar has REALLY big eyes.
• Aw, the gang is back together again. War is fun!
• Lando is going to blow up the Millennium Falcon, isn't he?
• How did Han learn to speak Wookie? And why doesn't he ever respond to Chewie in his native tongue?
• Palpatine's robe looks particularly cozy.
• "I will deal with them myself." The twins are SO busted.
• Jeff is not amused by me chanting "Ewoks! Ewoks!" at the screen.
• No Ewoks yet. Just Storm Troopers. Cool hover jet skis!
  
• Realistically, they should have run into 357 trees by now. Aside from that, this is AWESOME.
• EWOK.
• Why does she think she's stuck? Because of the teddy bear with the blunt spear?
• Woo! Ewok with the assist!
• Darth Vader said penetrated, and I didn't like it.
• Yo, Palpatine. I foresee that you're WRONG.
• Trap triggered!
• Whoa. Chief Ewok is NOT adorable. Also, now I have the Wizard of Oz Munchkin song in my head. "Come out, come out wherever you are..."
• Are they worshiping C3P0?
• I like Ewok music. And their treehouse land. And I hope someone yells Rufio.
• Holy cow. Baby Ewok is cute.
• The Ewoks did Leia's hair?
• This movie has a lot of Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie joyfully reuniting.
• Story time with C3P0.
• "She died when I was very young." Uh. You were JUST born. Oh, she means her adoptive mom.
• "Somehow...I've always known." No, you have not! Puh-LEASE, Leia! Did you know when you were kissing?! Because ew.
• Han's jealous of Luke's relationship with Leia. Boy, he's going to feel sheepish.
• "Hold me." Gag ME.
• Vader's ship looks like the hand of an evil scientist as he strokes his goatee when it's landing.
• Hey, dad.
• I definitely see why it was recommended to watch the prequels before this. This scene is much richer in meaning with the back story. No sarcasm, serious comment.
• This distraction Ewok is having SO MUCH FUN.
• I've always thought Vader was this big, ultimate bad guy, but Palpatine's WAY worse than him! Why isn't he more famous? Is it that he's pure evil and has no layers? Or is it because it's not as easy to dress like him?  
• How can anyone not love the Ewoks? Little dudes completes save the day.
• There have been no solid light saber fights in this film.
• I like when R2 screams like a girl.
• Did that Ewok die?! I feel genuinely sad about this!
• I wish Luke would chop off Palpatine's head. Is that not an option?
• Mark Hamill has the body of a preteen female gymnast.
• YOU will meet your destiny.
• Harrison Ford: Master of the cocky shrug.
• Aw, Lukey is playing hide-and-seek with Daddy.
• This light saber fight is satisfying.
• Force lightning! Or something! That's cheating, fight like a Jedi!
• Oh, snap. Daddy saved you.
• Lando just got a scratch on the Millennium Falcon!
• Holy cow. This scene with Luke and Vader is touching. Imperial Death March plucked gently on a stringed instrument reinforces my feelings!
• No, Han, you don't understand.
• Do they get to keep that Ewok as a pet? Sorry, is that an offensive question?
• Burning plastic is really bad for the environment, Luke.
• Celebrate! The whole galaxy!
• What happens with the remaining Storm Troopers?
• OH MY, they added Hayden's ghost to this. LAME.

In conclusion, I liked this one the best out of Episodes I-VI. Probably because of the Ewoks.

*I'm going to be mature and not mention the terrible scrolly exposition this time. Very mature.

**I'm realizing that we watched the digitally altered version, so the opening shot might possibly have been tampered with. I have no idea though.

Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Here's the fifth installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 32 year old watching Star Wars for the first time:

• "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" wasn't scrolling, and I got SO excited for about three seconds, but NOOOOO...scrolly exposition is still here.
• Dooku continues to be a ridiculous name.
• Boom! Right into battle!
• I feel like I'm watching someone play a video game.
• If Amazon ends up using droids for deliveries, a rival service should use buzz droids to mess them up.
• If R2D2's head gets lopped off by that buzz droid, I'm going on Star Wars strike.
• Who's this skeleton robot? I've literally never seen this creature before, and he seems like a main character.

  

  Photo from disqus.com

• Whoa! The light saber's a walkie talkie to R2D2?! NEAT. It's a shame it's going to blow his cover.
• These robots' voices are the opposite of intimidating.
• R2D2 FIRE.
• Dooku starts the fight with a triple forward flip and sticks the landing. 10!
• "Twice the pride, double the fall." That sounds like a bad advertising slogan.
• Ewan appears to be squished.
• Anakin should have said "Dooku, don't lose your head" before he did that.
• This is a mean Chancellor.
• Wilhelm scream!
• If the ship is split open, wouldn't there be a distinct lack of gravity? How is all this falling happening? Scratch that. They'd all, like, implode and suffocate all the time if real space rules applied.
• Ruh-roh.
• General Grievous? Really phoned that name in, didn't we?
• It'd be useful for wizards to learn the Force. Obi Wan and Anakin essentially just performed "Accio Lightsaber" without wands.
• Why does Grievous have a cough and a cape? He's a robot.
• Ewan never falters in his positive spirit. He'd make a great Christmas elf.
• I hope they're going to visit some Ewoks or Yoda or something cute.
• R2D2 screams like a pansy girl.
• That ship looks like the monorail!
• Anakin's hair. Yeesh.
• President Santos! In a blue pimp coat! 
• Padme still wants Anakin to be her super secret special friend.
• "I'm pregnant." "That's...................." way too long pause "..........wonderful."
• Oh, please. You cannot brush curls like that. They'd frizz into a mane. 
• No, I'M so in love. No, I am! No, I AM. Gag.
• It'd be so great if this whole movie was just like, getting ready to be a dad...in space. Baby shower...in space. Going into labor...in space! And they just give up the battles and everything.
• Yoda!
• Now all I can think is that Frank Oz was on Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me and he came across a bit haughty. Haughty Yoda.
• Ooo Anakin's going to spy on the Chancellor. (I think of Chancellor Arnold from Beverly Hills 90210 every time I hear the word Chancellor.)
• Yoda's speech pattern is officially NOT endearing.
• I don't believe Samuel L. Jackson is part of this fictional world. He's just himself in a robe.
• Oh, Natalie. This is not your best work.
• Ominous music. What the heck are they watching? Looks like Cirque performed by giant goldfish (or sperm?) in large floating drops of water.
• How'd Chancellor know they wanted Annie to spy on him? This guy's a total creeper. Is he the Sith Lord in Grievous's hologram?!
• Wookies! Finally!
• Did that Wookie just do a Tarzan yell?
• I can't remember if Obi Wan is alive in the older movies. That last scene between Anakin and Obi Wan felt rather final.
• "I want more!" - Anakin so often sounds like a petulant child.
• Obi Wan is now riding a giant lizard that looks plucked directly from a mediocre show on SyFy.
• Oh, snap. That was a rad move, Obi Wan. Crashing that giant thing from the ceiling then casually lopping that robot's head off. A-.
• Wow! Grievous has a lot of arms!
• Extreme eye close-ups!
• Oh, no! Quick - Accio Lightsaber again!
• I think the Chancellor would be good friends with President Snow.
• Confirmed Sith Lord Chancellor!
• Grievous has a heart! Or something organic and squishy. That explains the cough.
• And now...an entire scene of Anakin and Padme staring out their windows.
• I'll bet those snakes on the plane aren't looking so bad now, Samuel L.
• Ew.
• Super poor choice, Anakin.
• Darth Vader! Imperial march! Get that boy a costume change!
• Man. Anakin decided to go to the dark side and now he's just all in.
• Mugatu, noooooo!
• Character from Avatar, nooooo!
• I usually like montages, but this one's depressing.
• Yoda with the double head chop!
• Yoda riding piggyback on Chewie. Adorbs.
• Is Anakin going to kill all these baby Jedis?!
• Phew, President Santos got away.
• Wookie communication is similar to Margot communication: Lots of adorable, meaningful head tilting.
• "Are you all right?" - Padme. Anakin's response should be "Oh, I'm fine. I'm just on a killing spree. NBD."
• Can't R2 tell Padme that Anakin has LOST IT?
• I wonder how many people Yoda has killed.
• I realize that Anakin's motivation is to keep his wife alive, but I have to say...dude is evil. He must have always had it in him. *I'm realizing that this is probably a great nerd debate and maybe not that simple, but it seems pretty clear to me.
• That alien looked like the witch's guards in Wizard of Oz.
• Did Obi Wan really not know who the father of Padme's kid was yet?
• At least Anakin is crying. That's a point for the "he's not all evil" side of the nerdebate.
• Padme's ability to run while pregnant is wildly unrealistic.
• Anakin's really hung up on comparing Padme to his mother. 
• "You turned her against me!" He should stomp his feet when he says such things.
• Every time Yoda destroys guards with ease I giggle. Adorable violence.
• Poke him in the face so he has to wear a mask and breathe funny, Obi Wan!
• What's this electricity magic power? I'm guessing he doesn't use it more often because it makes him look...like that.

  

  Darth Sidious? More like Darth Sidiyuck.
  Photo from starwars.com

• The prominent choral portion of the score makes me feel that we're reaching the end of this interminable fight scene.
• "It's over, Anakin. I have the higher ground." - Lorelai Gilmore's anger at this is not unreasonable.
• Anakin clearly never played hot lava as a child. So much burning!
• "Is Anakin all right?" NO.
• Lying flat on her back while pregnant. Was there not one mother on set to correct these little things?
• Hey, Anakin, silver lining: Your terrible, terrible hair is gone.
• So Luke and Leia must be twins. (A robot confirmed that three seconds after I wrote it. Neat.)
• That putting on the Darth Vader mask shot was COOL.
• Padme totally would have lived if Anakin hadn't gone all dark side in an effort to save her.
• "NOOOOOOOO!" Hehe.
• Padme's mortician has skillz.

  

  I've never looked that good. And I'm alive.
  Photo from www.rebelshaven.com

• Surely this film will end soon. Ah, we're establishing the twins' lives.
• It's over!

In conclusion, this was the best of the newer films and I very nearly enjoyed it. Only one more, and then I'll have earned my right to see JJ's film! 

Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode II: The Clone Wars

Here's the fourth installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 31 year-old watching the Star Wars films for the first time ever:

• Well, hello scrolly exposition. I knew I'd see you again.
• Dooku is a funny name.
• Senator. Count. Queen. I feel like we're mixing governments here.
• I like that shiny spaceship.
• Well, maybe there's SOME danger.
• Whoa that chick just had the most abrupt death scene ever.
• I'm so confused already. Wasn't Natalie a Queen before? Did she get demoted?
• Aw geez. Jar Jar.
• What the Rose Byrne?
• Why hasn't Yoda learned proper English syntax? And what was his first language?
• What happened to Hayden Christenson?
• "I haven't seen Amidala in years, Master...and I'm totally crushing."
• Why hasn't Amidala aged?
• Annie is a prideful little Jedi.
• She didn't forget you completely. She knew your name, Annie. Did you want her to swoon or something?
• That strapless eye patch is stylin'.
• Can you sense that Amidala is eavesdropping, hotshot?
• Whoa, Annie isn't tiptoeing around his crush. "She's intoxicating." Calm down, dude.
• Ew. Millipede wormy things.
• Locate them, R2D2!
• Safe!
• Ewan diving out the window! What's the plan here, Ewan?!
• Ugh. It's Jedis like him who cause rush hour traffic.
• Shot down! Somehow I'm not at all worried for him.
• Yep, Annie caught him.
• Annie is NUTS. 
• Electrocution? No big deal. 
• "What's the point of this?" - Erik. Amen, Erik. Amen.
• Man, Jedis LOVE jumping out of things.
• I'm really growing to love the "pyew! pyew! pyew!" blaster sound effect.
• Is a Jedi's light saber like a wizard's wand in that it's specific to its owner?
• Now they're just running. That seems beneath them somehow.
• Are Ewan's eyes really that green?
• Ooo Jedi therapist - "go home and rethink your life."
• Did he just cut off her arm?!
• Does the light saber cauterize the wound automatically?
• Diagonal fade!
• That's a cute hover chair, Yoda.
• Annie has too much pressure and too much power.
• Ha. Amidala: "Jar Jar - I don't wish to hold you up." That was a diplomatic way of telling him to shut up.
• Whoa, Annie went from "He's a good master, don't get me wrong" to pouting and ranting like a petulant child.
• More like "Please don't LEER at me like that," am I right?
• Jedi poncho!
• I like this amiable diner alien.
• Robot waitress looks exactly like Rosie from the Jetsons.

• Fun fact: My eighth grade Algebra teacher was Mr. Parsek.
• Coolest. Library. Ever.
• Oh, Yoda. Making jokes about losing a planet. You're hilarious.
• OH. Explanation of not being Queen anymore. Thanks, guys.
• Are they bickering in front of the current Queen? Awkward.
• I briefly just wondered where Captain Eo fits in with all this.

• Super long neck Camino alien is lovely!
• Oh, come on, Amidala. You are totally crushing back.
• What if he's using his Jedi mind powers to make her kiss him?! That cad!
• Clones!
• When did she costume change? I liked her Xanadu dress; now she's all hippie.
• The hills are aliiiiive with the sound of...no chemistry!
• Oh no, he fell off the giant potato cow!
• They are literally rolling around in the grass.
• Kid, that's not your dad...he's your...your...what do you call the relationship between you and your young clone?
• This scene is tense and I have NO idea what's happening.
• Uh-oh. Firelight and a heaving bosom. Just get this over with.
• Homeboy is SO CLINGY. He just keeps talking! No, you're tormenting US, Annie.
• "I wish that I could wish away..." Well, that seems like lazy writing.
• Are Jedi robes waterproof?
• If Amidala really wanted to stop this relationship, she wouldn't wear that.
• That's some awesome jumpkicking, Ewan!
• Why is he always falling?
• Those blue charges are AWESOME.
• I would love to know how they created all these sound effects. 
• Just shoot out some spare parts and that will solve it. How anticlimactic.
• 30 men went looking for your mom already, but sure - you have a go at it too.
• The Count looks like the "He chose...poorly" knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
• Poor Mama! Now that was a proper death scene.
• Oh, he's raging.
• Ooo...Imperial Death March subtly playing as Yoda talks about Anakin.
• Anakin's not available right now, Ewan.
• Where does Amidala store all these giant clothes that she wears?
• Single-handed genocide of the Tuskans. Tsk, tsk.
• Amidala is so sassy.
• I am SO sleepy.
• Darth Sidious. The Sith. Why does everything sound vaguely like an STD?
• Holy cow. Will we have to sit through an actual clone war still?! Interminable film!
• Alien robowasp attack! 
• Padme would win everything on that show Wipeout!
• R2 is so much smarter than C3P0.
• Decapitated C3P0!
• How is her outfit still so white?!
• "I truly...deeply..." - Amidala "...madly?" - Erik
• Uf. That is an ugly language.
• Ah, another unnecessary alien monster parade. George Lucas is just showing off.
• Can't they just Jedi fly away from this arena?
• I think Amidala just got scratched so we could see some midriff.
• Oh, please. We did not have time for that smooch.
• I'm fairly impressed by the lack of chemistry between Annie and Amidala. It's like watching two marionettes pretend to be in love.
• GET IT, Samuel L!
• Decapitated Fett!
• They are flirting on the battlefield. Flirting.
• "This is such a drag." GROAN.
• Yoda and a clone army! Just in the nick of time!
• War. Fighting. Explosions. Etc, etc.
• Death Star schematics!
• That is the least manly vehicle ever, Count. It looks like a hover Vespa.
• I wish Natalie would put a whole shirt on. I'm trying to enjoy ice cream and she's making me want to do sit-ups instead.
• I'm expecting a big fight from the Count. OH, SNAP. He did not disappoint.
• Double light saber!
• Back down to one!
• Arm cut off!
• YODA FIGHT?!
• That is one angry Muppet.
• How does everyone keep saying Dooku without giggling?!
• Bahahahaha this is the most adorable light saber fight ever.

• I knew that dude was bad.
• "Begun the Clone War has." Dear Lord, I hope it's actually the end of this film though. I need to go to bed.
• Mawwiage. Pretty dress! Pretty lame kiss!

• He's smiling and she looks like "what have I done?"

In conclusion, this movie was long, tedious, confusing, and lacked the endearing qualities of the original two that I've seen. Oh, hey, that was my conclusion from Episode I as well. I did thoroughly enjoy the fight between Dooku and Yoda though - it almost made it worth watching. Almost. Also, I now understand why we haven't seen much of Hayden Christenson, bless his heart. Perfect teeth will only get you so far in Hollywood. 

Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Here's the third installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 31 year-old watching the Star Wars films for the first time ever:

• We're still using scrolly exposition?! Come on, this is 1999!
• Full disclosure: I didn't read the scrolly exposition. Hope I won't be lost.
• The special effects are improved, but they should have kept it consistent with the original films.
• How can a movie with Liam and Ewan be as terrible as everyone says?!
• Is Ewan sporting a mullet pulled into a ponytail?!
• Did the term droid come from Star Wars initially?
• Ooo hologram bad guy.
• Why would you ask someone who is clearly a bad guy if something is legal?
• CGI robots are way less cool than people in robot costumes.
• Ewan wields his light saber like a baseball bat.
• Whoa, Natalie. What are you doing with your voice?
• I have literally no idea of what's going on. 
• Is that supposed to be Natalie Portman's hair? It's like a loaf of bread arcing majestically over her skull.
• "Where's the lion? I want to see the lion." - Eiley, whining in reference to Chewbacca.
• Jar Jar is WAY taller than I thought. I thought he'd be Dobby-sized.
• Is he...Jamaican?

  

  Shudder.

• Liam isn't even looking at Jar Jar. Neither is Ewan. Was CGI super new? 
• Ooo pretty underwater city!
• "I want to annihilate all Jar Jars." - Jeff "That's genocide, Jeff." - Erik
• "How rude." - Jar Jar "Hey, he just quoted Full House!" - Jeff
• Ewan has a wrapped hair thing. I totally wanted one of those in seventh grade.
• Whoa, dino shrimp fish with a lizard tongue!
• Whoa, BIGGER dino fish!
• This movie appears to just be an outlet for George Lucas to show us the monsters and aliens he made up.
• They're going full Three Musketeers.
• Wait, is that Amidala? Oh, it's a servant disguised as Amidala and Natalie is next to her.
• R2D2!
• I wonder if I'd know what's going on here if I wasn't writing notes...
• These samurai alien guys can barely move their mouths. They look like guppies.
• Did George Lucas intend for Jar Jar to be lovable or endearing? With the way Padme looks at him, I feel like I'm supposed to care about him. I DON'T, GEORGE.
• Disturbance in the Force!
• Cool poncho, Liam.
• Even the poop squish sound effect was terrible.
• Is this the cantina where we first met Han and Chewie?
• Nice pickup line, kid. "Are you an angel?" You nailed the faux naivete.
• I like this giant mosquito elephant dude better than Jar Jar.
• Oh, Ewan's long hair is a braid, not an embroidered wrap thing. Last comment on his coif, promise. 
  
• How long before the original trilogy is this taking place? Maybe 30, 40 years? Why haven't the fashions changed and why do the vehicles appear to be more advanced?
• Hey, C3P0.
• Aw, C3P0 and R2D2 meet.
• C3P0's parts are showing. Hilarious.
• I'm starting to think George Lucas Googled some Star Wars fan fic and made a super expensive movie out of it.
• Darth Maul is legit creepy. 
• Anakin, it's called a light saber. Laser sword. Pfft.
• Man, Anakin is too pretentious. 
• Liam's going to feel bad going behind the queen's back when he finds out Natalie is the queen.
• My people inform me that they just said Anakin was immaculately conceived. I missed that due to a three year-old trying to convince me that I'm capable of building Legos, watching the movie, and writing simultaneously. I'm flattered. 
• Is Jar Jar broken?
• Anakin fixed the pod! The swelling music tells me I should be inspired.
• No wonder this kid goes Darth (at least I think so)...everyone keeps calling him Annie.
• There's a Jedi blood test?! Neat. 
• Oh, Anakin and his mom are slaves?! How am I missing these plot points?!
• I thought pod racing was going to be like shady street racing Grease style, but there's a whole official stadium and everything. 
• Must be hard to walk on your hands with your feet in front of you. 
• I don't think the kid with the freakishly high midochlorian count needs a Jedi lesson.
• Jabba cameo!
• COME ON, ANNIE. (Crap. I wrote that and then Jar Jar said it. I am ashamed.)
• I'd like to stay completely negative on this movie, but this pod race is pretty fun.
• NASCAR should consider adding people shooting at the cars to their races.
• How does Annie even see out of those goggles?!
• This kid is too calm. "My pod is falling apart and I could die at any instant. Meh."
• This pod race was cool, but now I'm just wondering how many laps we're looking at here.
• I have cycled between disinterest and excitement no less than three times during this race. It's like my relationship with "Let It Go."
• Ha, awkward kid/alien interaction. Do we high five? Do we hug? Let's just jump around!
• So are they taking Annie and leaving his mom behind?
• Where has Ewan been this whole time?
• THIS FILM IS INTERMINABLE.
• Is "With great power comes great responsibility" from Star Wars or Harry Potter? I think they should tell all child prodigy mystical power characters that at some point. [UPDATE: That's from Spiderman and I'm dumb.]
• This kid's acting is getting progressively worse.
• Darth Maul light saber fight!
• Does the Force give Liam some mad jumping skillz?
• What is this throne that walks like a spider? Yeesh.
• He made her jewelry. Pick up tactic #2. This kid is smooth.
• I keep waiting for fake Queen to get kidnapped or killed or something to justify real Queen remaining in hiding.
• Holy cow, fake Queen really looks like Natalie Portman.
• SAMUEL L! YODA!
• Oh geez, that WAS Natalie in that last scene. I think. I don't know.
• Why does Queen Amidala's accent change so severely when she's in regalia?
• This might be blasphemous, but new Yoda is cuter than original Yoda.
• Whoa, Yoda wisdom foreshadowing.
• Oh, padawan learner means apprentice.
• One of the council guys so reminds me of Mugatu, but with a GIANT forehead.

  

  Yoda, Samuel L., and Mugatu

• Why would the council think a little boy named Annie is dangerous? 
• I'll be honest - I'm not sure how much of this explanation of midichlorians is science and how much is fiction.
• "We's going hoooooome!" Shut up, Jar Jar.
• "Jar Jar, I need your help." I think she's going to ask him to literally annoy an entire planet to death.
• Ugh. Is Natalie Portman playing herself and the fake Queen? I'm so confused.
• Uh-oh. Frog king man thinks her request for help is hilarious.
• Oh, he did a boobless motorboating sound. I think that means they'll help.
• Where did this teenage Queen get all her military strategy training?
• Is this film three hours long?
• Didgeridoos of war!
• Wilhelm scream!
• Ruh-roh. Giant robot army just popped right through that shield.
• Annie's totally going to stay in the cockpit...while he's flying the pod.
• Woo! Choral "AH" for double light saber!
• Oh, Annie. You and your piloting hijinks.
• DARTH MAUL IS AWESOME.
• "This is tense!" Holy cow, this kid is such a bad actor that they had to have him overtly say his emotions.
• What just happened? Did Liam create a force field to take a break? Or did D.Maul get Liam to kneel before him using his Jedi mind power?
• Even Jar Jar's bellbottoms are getting on my nerves.
• Star Tours parking job!
• I'm still confused by these red force field doors.
• I saw that coming. What's the term for getting impaled by a light saber? Impaled and stabbed aren't entirely accurate since there is no object going through. 
• Oh, SNAP. Literally. Obi Wan snapped Darth's light saber in twain. 
• Why don't they use the Force more often in these duels?
• Sad! He halved Darth Maul. No more awesome fighting. 
• Did Liam just...stroke...Ewan's face?
• Well, this scene is not helping the case against Jedis being a cult.
• Annie got a haircut.
• What's with the glowy orb? It's always about a glowing orb.

In conclusion, this movie was long, tedious, confusing, and lacked the endearing qualities of the original two that I've seen. I am, however, pleased that we are watching in this order because now I will know to call Darth Vader "Annie" when I eventually get to see Return of the Jedi. That'll show him.