Movie Review Monday: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Here's the sixth installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 32 year old watching Star Wars for the first time. You can find the other installments here: Episode I, Episode II, Episode III, Episode IV, Episode V.

• This movie hasn't started yet, but I'm prepared for EWOKS!
• Why are there four dots on the ellipsis? (A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....)
• *
• Man, these opening shots must have looked SO cool in the 70s. I mean, they look pretty cool now!**
• I'm having trouble transforming Hayden Christenson into someone who has James Earl Jones' voice.
• Whoa, someone is above Darth Vader in rank?
• I will call this an Oz gatekeeper robot. 
• I already like this movie WAY more than the others.
• Hog man!
• Snake tumor-head man!
• Is this just a planet of ugly? And that's why Jabba the Hutt is their leader?
• Is someone playing the pan pipes?!
• I think Jabba could be cute if he had a modicum of kindness in his heart.

  

  Eh, maybe not.

• If robots could faint, C3P0 would be flat on the ground by now.
• Oh. Ugly planet burlesque dancing. Shudder.
• This scene is SO WEIRD. I half expect emo-Toby-Spiderman to join in on this train wreck.
• Bye, green girl.
• Chewbacca! His hair looks terrible.
• I like that blue elephant Muppet.
• Lando! Thanks for tugging your disguise down just enough for us to see it's you. Subtle.
• I wonder how many actors have had to emerge from cryogenic hibernation. Now I feel like watching Demolition Man.
• Caught! You just HAD to make out a little before getting away.
• Aww! Chewie and Han are having a snuggle.
• Woo! Luke used the Force big time.
• I would not want my brother to see me in that outfit. Give Leia your glorified bath robe, Luke!
• Eeesh! That is one nasty monster.
• I wonder if that Hog man tasted like ham or human.
• Ah, the old "prop his mouth open with a bone" trick.
• Aw, that obese human is sad about losing his pet abomination.
• Are those nerfs? As in, nerf herder?
• Is R2D2 a waiter now?
• Wait, why did we have to wait until the last minute to make this move?
• Wilhelm scream!
• Take him down, Leia!
• This monster is like Tremors + Beetlejuice sand monster + Audrey 2. (If you understand all those references, then 20 points to your house!)
• Magnetic droid pick-up!
• Wow. The shape of the starfighter pasta in my Star Wars mac and cheese is really accurate.
• Oh, right. Emperor Palpatine is Darth Vader's master.
• Yoda!
• Holy cow, almost halfway through and no Ewoks.
• Someone should recreate these Yoda scenes with Miss Piggy.
• Oh, no. Don't die, Yoda.
• Yes, Luke. Darth Vader is your father. Keep up.
• Speak up, Yode. Can I call you Yode?
• Buster is snoring, which is appropriate for this particular scene.
• John Williams is really working his oboist. Or bassoonist?
• Yoda way overacted that death scene.
• Yoda disappeared like a Buffy vampire when he died!
• Obi Wan. You basically lied, don't try to justify that. "From a certain point of view." Psh.
• OH. He still doesn't know Leia's his sister? That's going to be awkward.
• Who's this Julie Andrews wannabe?
• Ackbar has REALLY big eyes.
• Aw, the gang is back together again. War is fun!
• Lando is going to blow up the Millennium Falcon, isn't he?
• How did Han learn to speak Wookie? And why doesn't he ever respond to Chewie in his native tongue?
• Palpatine's robe looks particularly cozy.
• "I will deal with them myself." The twins are SO busted.
• Jeff is not amused by me chanting "Ewoks! Ewoks!" at the screen.
• No Ewoks yet. Just Storm Troopers. Cool hover jet skis!
  
• Realistically, they should have run into 357 trees by now. Aside from that, this is AWESOME.
• EWOK.
• Why does she think she's stuck? Because of the teddy bear with the blunt spear?
• Woo! Ewok with the assist!
• Darth Vader said penetrated, and I didn't like it.
• Yo, Palpatine. I foresee that you're WRONG.
• Trap triggered!
• Whoa. Chief Ewok is NOT adorable. Also, now I have the Wizard of Oz Munchkin song in my head. "Come out, come out wherever you are..."
• Are they worshiping C3P0?
• I like Ewok music. And their treehouse land. And I hope someone yells Rufio.
• Holy cow. Baby Ewok is cute.
• The Ewoks did Leia's hair?
• This movie has a lot of Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie joyfully reuniting.
• Story time with C3P0.
• "She died when I was very young." Uh. You were JUST born. Oh, she means her adoptive mom.
• "Somehow...I've always known." No, you have not! Puh-LEASE, Leia! Did you know when you were kissing?! Because ew.
• Han's jealous of Luke's relationship with Leia. Boy, he's going to feel sheepish.
• "Hold me." Gag ME.
• Vader's ship looks like the hand of an evil scientist as he strokes his goatee when it's landing.
• Hey, dad.
• I definitely see why it was recommended to watch the prequels before this. This scene is much richer in meaning with the back story. No sarcasm, serious comment.
• This distraction Ewok is having SO MUCH FUN.
• I've always thought Vader was this big, ultimate bad guy, but Palpatine's WAY worse than him! Why isn't he more famous? Is it that he's pure evil and has no layers? Or is it because it's not as easy to dress like him?  
• How can anyone not love the Ewoks? Little dudes completes save the day.
• There have been no solid light saber fights in this film.
• I like when R2 screams like a girl.
• Did that Ewok die?! I feel genuinely sad about this!
• I wish Luke would chop off Palpatine's head. Is that not an option?
• Mark Hamill has the body of a preteen female gymnast.
• YOU will meet your destiny.
• Harrison Ford: Master of the cocky shrug.
• Aw, Lukey is playing hide-and-seek with Daddy.
• This light saber fight is satisfying.
• Force lightning! Or something! That's cheating, fight like a Jedi!
• Oh, snap. Daddy saved you.
• Lando just got a scratch on the Millennium Falcon!
• Holy cow. This scene with Luke and Vader is touching. Imperial Death March plucked gently on a stringed instrument reinforces my feelings!
• No, Han, you don't understand.
• Do they get to keep that Ewok as a pet? Sorry, is that an offensive question?
• Burning plastic is really bad for the environment, Luke.
• Celebrate! The whole galaxy!
• What happens with the remaining Storm Troopers?
• OH MY, they added Hayden's ghost to this. LAME.

In conclusion, I liked this one the best out of Episodes I-VI. Probably because of the Ewoks.

*I'm going to be mature and not mention the terrible scrolly exposition this time. Very mature.

**I'm realizing that we watched the digitally altered version, so the opening shot might possibly have been tampered with. I have no idea though.

Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Here's the fifth installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 32 year old watching Star Wars for the first time:

• "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" wasn't scrolling, and I got SO excited for about three seconds, but NOOOOO...scrolly exposition is still here.
• Dooku continues to be a ridiculous name.
• Boom! Right into battle!
• I feel like I'm watching someone play a video game.
• If Amazon ends up using droids for deliveries, a rival service should use buzz droids to mess them up.
• If R2D2's head gets lopped off by that buzz droid, I'm going on Star Wars strike.
• Who's this skeleton robot? I've literally never seen this creature before, and he seems like a main character.

  

  Photo from disqus.com

• Whoa! The light saber's a walkie talkie to R2D2?! NEAT. It's a shame it's going to blow his cover.
• These robots' voices are the opposite of intimidating.
• R2D2 FIRE.
• Dooku starts the fight with a triple forward flip and sticks the landing. 10!
• "Twice the pride, double the fall." That sounds like a bad advertising slogan.
• Ewan appears to be squished.
• Anakin should have said "Dooku, don't lose your head" before he did that.
• This is a mean Chancellor.
• Wilhelm scream!
• If the ship is split open, wouldn't there be a distinct lack of gravity? How is all this falling happening? Scratch that. They'd all, like, implode and suffocate all the time if real space rules applied.
• Ruh-roh.
• General Grievous? Really phoned that name in, didn't we?
• It'd be useful for wizards to learn the Force. Obi Wan and Anakin essentially just performed "Accio Lightsaber" without wands.
• Why does Grievous have a cough and a cape? He's a robot.
• Ewan never falters in his positive spirit. He'd make a great Christmas elf.
• I hope they're going to visit some Ewoks or Yoda or something cute.
• R2D2 screams like a pansy girl.
• That ship looks like the monorail!
• Anakin's hair. Yeesh.
• President Santos! In a blue pimp coat! 
• Padme still wants Anakin to be her super secret special friend.
• "I'm pregnant." "That's...................." way too long pause "..........wonderful."
• Oh, please. You cannot brush curls like that. They'd frizz into a mane. 
• No, I'M so in love. No, I am! No, I AM. Gag.
• It'd be so great if this whole movie was just like, getting ready to be a dad...in space. Baby shower...in space. Going into labor...in space! And they just give up the battles and everything.
• Yoda!
• Now all I can think is that Frank Oz was on Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me and he came across a bit haughty. Haughty Yoda.
• Ooo Anakin's going to spy on the Chancellor. (I think of Chancellor Arnold from Beverly Hills 90210 every time I hear the word Chancellor.)
• Yoda's speech pattern is officially NOT endearing.
• I don't believe Samuel L. Jackson is part of this fictional world. He's just himself in a robe.
• Oh, Natalie. This is not your best work.
• Ominous music. What the heck are they watching? Looks like Cirque performed by giant goldfish (or sperm?) in large floating drops of water.
• How'd Chancellor know they wanted Annie to spy on him? This guy's a total creeper. Is he the Sith Lord in Grievous's hologram?!
• Wookies! Finally!
• Did that Wookie just do a Tarzan yell?
• I can't remember if Obi Wan is alive in the older movies. That last scene between Anakin and Obi Wan felt rather final.
• "I want more!" - Anakin so often sounds like a petulant child.
• Obi Wan is now riding a giant lizard that looks plucked directly from a mediocre show on SyFy.
• Oh, snap. That was a rad move, Obi Wan. Crashing that giant thing from the ceiling then casually lopping that robot's head off. A-.
• Wow! Grievous has a lot of arms!
• Extreme eye close-ups!
• Oh, no! Quick - Accio Lightsaber again!
• I think the Chancellor would be good friends with President Snow.
• Confirmed Sith Lord Chancellor!
• Grievous has a heart! Or something organic and squishy. That explains the cough.
• And now...an entire scene of Anakin and Padme staring out their windows.
• I'll bet those snakes on the plane aren't looking so bad now, Samuel L.
• Ew.
• Super poor choice, Anakin.
• Darth Vader! Imperial march! Get that boy a costume change!
• Man. Anakin decided to go to the dark side and now he's just all in.
• Mugatu, noooooo!
• Character from Avatar, nooooo!
• I usually like montages, but this one's depressing.
• Yoda with the double head chop!
• Yoda riding piggyback on Chewie. Adorbs.
• Is Anakin going to kill all these baby Jedis?!
• Phew, President Santos got away.
• Wookie communication is similar to Margot communication: Lots of adorable, meaningful head tilting.
• "Are you all right?" - Padme. Anakin's response should be "Oh, I'm fine. I'm just on a killing spree. NBD."
• Can't R2 tell Padme that Anakin has LOST IT?
• I wonder how many people Yoda has killed.
• I realize that Anakin's motivation is to keep his wife alive, but I have to say...dude is evil. He must have always had it in him. *I'm realizing that this is probably a great nerd debate and maybe not that simple, but it seems pretty clear to me.
• That alien looked like the witch's guards in Wizard of Oz.
• Did Obi Wan really not know who the father of Padme's kid was yet?
• At least Anakin is crying. That's a point for the "he's not all evil" side of the nerdebate.
• Padme's ability to run while pregnant is wildly unrealistic.
• Anakin's really hung up on comparing Padme to his mother. 
• "You turned her against me!" He should stomp his feet when he says such things.
• Every time Yoda destroys guards with ease I giggle. Adorable violence.
• Poke him in the face so he has to wear a mask and breathe funny, Obi Wan!
• What's this electricity magic power? I'm guessing he doesn't use it more often because it makes him look...like that.

  

  Darth Sidious? More like Darth Sidiyuck.
  Photo from starwars.com

• The prominent choral portion of the score makes me feel that we're reaching the end of this interminable fight scene.
• "It's over, Anakin. I have the higher ground." - Lorelai Gilmore's anger at this is not unreasonable.
• Anakin clearly never played hot lava as a child. So much burning!
• "Is Anakin all right?" NO.
• Lying flat on her back while pregnant. Was there not one mother on set to correct these little things?
• Hey, Anakin, silver lining: Your terrible, terrible hair is gone.
• So Luke and Leia must be twins. (A robot confirmed that three seconds after I wrote it. Neat.)
• That putting on the Darth Vader mask shot was COOL.
• Padme totally would have lived if Anakin hadn't gone all dark side in an effort to save her.
• "NOOOOOOOO!" Hehe.
• Padme's mortician has skillz.

  

  I've never looked that good. And I'm alive.
  Photo from www.rebelshaven.com

• Surely this film will end soon. Ah, we're establishing the twins' lives.
• It's over!

In conclusion, this was the best of the newer films and I very nearly enjoyed it. Only one more, and then I'll have earned my right to see JJ's film!