Long Distance Lobsters: Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Here's the second installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 31 year-old watching the Star Wars films for the first time ever:

This opens with scrolly exposition too. I keep briefly thinking "What, did they make this in iMovie?"
Hoth, I have heard of you.
Kangaroo dinosaur ram, you don't look like you should live in cold climates.
Abominable snowman from Matterhorn?! Disneylaaaaand.
Han has already said "Chewie" more times in this film than in the entirety of the last one.
One...two...three...FOUR looks from Leia to Han fraught with meaning.
These braids are much more becoming than those ear muff buns, Princess.
Ha, I thought that stalactite guy was using the Force to get a soda. It was a light saber.
What is with people using light sabers to cut off arms?! At least this time it's for survival.
Dude, you are screwed. FOG.
Why can C3P0 feel cold but he doesn't feel pain when his limbs get torn off? Sub-question: why doesn't C3P0 just put on a coat?
Aw, Chewie's sad.
Oh, circle fade. Classy.
What?! That was Luke the whole time?! Seriously thought he was a disposable extra.
Mark Hamill's acting abilities have remained consistent from the last film to this one.
Holy cow, that's a gross way to stay warm.
Mark Hamill's hair has remained consistent from the last film to this one.
"Laser brain." Classic.
"Laugh it up, fuzz ball." These insults are so witty. Wow.
"Nerf herder." What does that mean? That's the name of the band that does the Buffy theme music.
Wow, Leia blatantly kissing Luke to just to make Han jealous. She has the emotional maturity of a lamp.
IMPERIAL MARCH.
I'd like to think that there's an imperial soldier with the title "Lead Darth Vader helmet shiner" and he's darn good at his job.
I want to hug Chewie too! Did Luke just scratch his neck like he's a puppy?
How long after the first movie does this take place?
Ooo Darth's pod thingy is neat.
Darth can The Force those guys via Skype?!
My informants here tell me the best battle of the movie is about to happen.
I'm sorry, does C3P0 keep changing colors?
Are the oompa loompa soldiers cheering about going into battle? That seems unhealthy. "WOOO! We might die right now!"
Oh, guy in Luke's vehicle. You are doomed.
Imperial walkers look cool, but those long legs seem impractical.
Ohhhh...they have legs so Luke could provide an easy solution to destroy them.
Oh, guy in Luke's vehicle. Predictably, you have died.
They're just going to trip those giant, impenetrable machines? Yeah, okay.
Don't yell at Chewie, Han!
K, Luke. Just fight the imperial walker with your bare hands. No big deal.
Oh my gosh, I was kidding, Luke.
Sometimes Darth is intimidating, but sometimes I picture that underneath that costume is a sweaty comic book nerd with a mullet "bum-bum-bumming" the imperial march to himself.
Leia has clearly never been on Star Tours. Of course Han's going through the asteroids.
Now Han is just showing off. You're a good pilot. We get it.
I think Luke just landed in a scene from The Neverending Story.
I'm betting that R2D2 can't swim.
I was wrong.
Swamp creature'd!
Did R2D2 just get thrown up and then throw up?
Darth Vader's skin!
I love "this building/vehicle is shaking...whoOAa" acting.
Yesss...find Yoda, Luke!
"Did he say to find yogurt?" - Eiley
What! Is Yoda voiced by Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear?!
I'm super disappointed. Yoda isn't as cute as I thought he'd be.
Can one use the Force on a robot?
Jeff just got defensive when I told him Yoda wasn't as cute as I'd anticipated: "I think he's frickin' adorable."
Ooo. Loooove music. Or just Leia music? No, love music. Whoa, she's trembling. Keep it PG, Harrison.
KISS.
C3P0 is a master moment killer.
Wait! Who's this creeper that Darth bows to?
Is Darth Vader also Annikin Skywalker?
I hope R2D2 doesn't rust.
Yoda has a cozy little Hobbit hole.
Is Ben's...aura...floating around haunting people?
I wish Yoda would wiggle his ears like Sloth from Goonies.
Sucky cave monster!
Oh, dear. They were in a sand worm from Beetlejuice.
Yoda backpack!
Is Luke supposed to be listening to Yoda monologuing?
There should be a Jedi training montage.
Now I have "Eye of the Tiger" in my head.
DARTH VADER.
LIGHT SABERS.
BEHEADING.
LUKE BEHEADING...himself? Wait, what? And why is Yoda so smug about that?
Lizard imperial soldier out of nowhere.
Yes. I am so ready for light speed.
Thanks for telling C3P0 to shut up, Leia.
Bless that guy's heart. "I'll apologize to Vader." Pro tip, dude: Defect.
Didn't Luke move a blaster with the Force on Hoth earlier? Oh, Yoda's trying to get him to Force his vehicle. That's heavier.
So Luke begs Yoda to teach him then gives up after like two lessons? "You want the impossible." Whine, sulk, pout.
Yoda's showing how it's done. Oh, snap.
Does using the Force require energy?
"I don't believe it." "That...is why you fail."
Told you to defect, dummy.
What's C3P0 even there for?
Lando Calrissian is an awesome name.
Does Luke have to do a handstand to use the Force? Because that's going to make using it to fight really awkward.
Yes, eventually Han and Leia will die, Luke. I can't see the future, but their mortality seems fairly obvious.
Something terrible happens every time they say everything's going to be okay.
Oh, phew. Exception! Lando friendship!
Whoa. Down, boy.
Is it okay that I don't really care that C3P0 just got blasted?
I'm confused - is Luke going to fight Vader with the Force? Or a light saber? Or both?
Why does Leia hate everyone?
Lando is a super creeper.
TWIST! Vader in the dining room.
Oh, shoot. Judging by the music, I am supposed to care about C3P0.
Han Solo torture!
Lando, don't talk back to Vader.
"I feel terrible." - first line I genuinely laughed at.
I keep thinking about Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls complaining that this all comes down to who has higher ground, and I'm curious about how that'll come into play.
"I love you." "I know." Ohhh...that explains my cousin's tattoo. Ha!
Do people actually expect Vader to keep his word?
That shot of Luke meeting Darth Vader for the first time is legit chilling.
Light saber fight!
Why are we strangling the guy who just released us, Chewie?
I like legless C3P0 more.
Why doesn't Luke blaster Vader?
What just happened? Does Luke think a little fall killed Vader?
Luke is phoning this fight in.
It bugs me that I have no idea what the plan is here other than "run around the building shooting blasters and pressing any buttons on the walls that we find."
Is Vader trying to kill Luke or turn him evil?
Luke. Your hand fell off.
"I'm your father."
"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE." I found Hamill's delivery of this line brilliant...ly hilarious.
Cutting off someone's hand is probably not the best tactic to persuade them to join your team.
Luke Skywalker: Really brave or really dumb?
Crying out to one's hallucination for help has to be rock bottom. Oh, we switched to crying out for Leia. Much better.
Please let Luke just plop down into the Falcon's moonroof.
Hahaha...YESSSS.
Where is Han? Still cryogenically frozen somewhere with Vader?
My desire to see light speed is pretty intense, and I keep getting disappointed. They make it look so easy at Disney.
What! Is Vader brainwashing Luke?
I love the way James Earl Jones says "DEStinyyy."
LIGHT SPEED. FINALLY.
Is there a maximum distance Vader can reach with the Force? Why doesn't he just relax in a hammock and strangle all his enemies?
Cyber hand looks real.
Wait, do we know Luke and Leia are bro/sis now?
Seriously, where did Han go?
This movie has zero resolution!
Hey, cool, John Ratzenberger was in this.