Movie Review Monday: Star Wars IV (from an adult seeing it for the first time)

Okay, it's not Monday, but that used to be the day we'd review movies and I was so excited to actually have blog fodder that I couldn't wait to post this. Check out more concise Movie Reviews here.

I caved and watched Star Wars IV: A New Hope for the first time in my life last night. Jeff was nearly giddy with excitement. He met up with our friend Will at a coffee shop to get the DVDs, which is how I imagine upscale drug deals probably happen too. I thought all of you Star Wars fans might be interested to know the inner monologue of a 31 year-old watching it for the first time, so I wrote notes. Nine pages of scribbled notes. Eiley asked me what I was drawing at one point. I'm giving you my unedited stream of consciousness, so you might have no idea what I'm talking about some of the time, and I will look like an idiot some of the time* (I refuse to take time to Google how to spell some of these names, for example), but I'm fine with that. Laugh at me freely, nerd bombs.

• The amount of exposition in the scrolly intro thing seems like lazy screenwriting. Show don't tell, right? 
• Stormtroopers look awesome.
• Why is C3P0 British? If one robot is British, why can't the other even speak English?
• Alderon? Rebel who what? What is James Earl Jones talking about?
• The mice from Cinderella seem to have mutated and are wearing cloaks. Those are definitely their voices.
• Hey, there's Wall-E (or maybe Number 5?), the scary trash can from The Wiz, and one of the guys from Daft Punk. 
• Those lizard dinosaurs are disgusting.
• Desert igloo?
• Is Luke Skywalker a teenager?! I always thought he was a strong, heroic MAN, not a whiny manchild.
• I miss Disneyland.
• "He looks like the Wizard of Oz [Tin Man]. Maybe that's his problem." - Eiley about C3P0 
• R2D2 is adorbs.
• "I think that princess is in trouble." - Eiley
• Is Obi Wan Kenobi Luke's father? (*Sidenote: It's astounding how long it took me to realize what a dumb thought that was.)
• Sweet fanny pack, Luke!
• Who are all the "sad people"? Luke just said that it's dangerous to leave in the dark with all the sad people around.
• These people speak in belches! Neat. Or...gross.
• Oh, sand people. Not sad people.
• Wait, it's not belching. It's seal barking.
• "I hope he doesn't kill him, and I hope he doesn't die." - Eiley, referring to a sand person and Luke
• That guy is totally Obi Wan K. Why did uncle and aunt lie and say he was dead?
• Is Ben Kenobi the same as Obi Wan? Oh, nope. Ben's clearly unsettled by the name Obi Wan. OH. THE SAME. Emotional Obi Wan roller coaster!
• Obi Wan really enunciates Light. Saber. the first time, like he's giving a vocabulary lesson.
• Oh, hey. More exposition.
• Whoa, I just remembered that Vader is Luke's father. Spoiler'd!
• I can't remember if Luke and Leia are bro/sis or Han and Leia.
• Oh, please. Luke's resistance to go on this adventure is really half-hearted. He clearly is all in.
• Are these actors doing voices on purpose or is it just the 70s acting style?
• Oh, crap. The Force is no joke. Don't cross Darth.
• Well, that's what Luke's aunt and uncle get for lying about Obi Wan being dead.
• Torture robot?
• I'm actually pretty impressed with the special effects so far. I was prepared to fully mock. Better than most Syfy channel shows. (Sidenote: Jeff later informed me that this was not a fully original edition - some things were improved.)
• Ben totally just Jedi-ed those Stormtroopers.
• Chewbacca! I hope he's a good guy. He's cute.
• Calm down, Obi Wan. Cutting an arm off in a bar fight seems a bit extreme. Geez.
• Harrison Ford comes in at 47.53 minutes. Almost halfway through the movie. Interesting!
• I've even heard of the Millennium Falcon, Obi Wan.
• Should I call him Obi Wan or Ben?
• Have they even introduced Chewie yet?
• I think Groot and Chewbacca would be such sweet friends.
• "I felt a great disturbance in the Force." Some of these lines are so iconic that they are strange to hear.
• I wonder if Mr. Miyagi was inspired in part by Obi Wan.
• "That small moon" is the Death Star, guys. Even I know that.
• John Williams is brilliant.
• That soldier just said "jettisoned" twice in a row. It's a nice word.
• Did Han just pet Chewbacca? I still don't think we've heard his name, just that he's a Wookie.
• I want to see some Ewoks. What's the deal?
• Guys. Mark Hamill is a terrible actor. But he has nice hair.
• Chewie is TALL. Is that a full suit? Or part suit, part makeup?
• I can't put my finger on why, but some of these actors, including Harrison, seem like they've never held a gun before.

  

  
  

• Are Obi Wan and Darth brothers?
• What's Darth's motive? Why is he all evil?
• Those storm trooper uniforms seem hard to run in.
• Princess, you can't look badass while holding your blaster like a sissy.
• I think I've seen a parody or homage to every scene so far except this trash room one. This is the first truly fresh scene for me.
• Way to throw the troopers off the trail, C3P0!
• "One thing's for sure - we're all gonna be a lot thinner." - Han. "GROAN." - me.
• Did they really think pushing against the trash compactor walls would be effective?
• Pretty sure Liam Neeson is way taller than this Obi Wan.
• Whoa. Leia's totally into Han.
• Farmer Luke is pretty good with a gun.
• Wilhelm scream!
• Rope swing for the win!
• The footsteps foley is getting hilarious.
• Light saber fight time. YES.
• I see why people like to pretend they have light sabers. This is awesome. 
• That's not actually James Earl Jones, right? He was never that skinny, right?
• Ben Kenobi, NOOOOO! He's not really dead. That was way too anticlimactic.
• How long is Leia's hair?! Those buns.
  
• Is that old Nazi dude Darth Vader's boss?
• "Princess" sounds like a curse word coming out of Han.
• I legit just thought the rebels were Oompa Loompas. Same outfits.
• If R2D2 gets destroyed I will be LIVID.
• I haven't had a coherent thought in 5 minutes, which must mean this little space battle is awesome.
• Wait...when did Darth get in his aircraft?
• Wooooooo STAR TOURS! I continue to miss Disneyland!
• Oh, no. Luke's Goose got blown up.
• Death Star explosion!
• R2D2 NOOOOOO! Aw, C3P0 has feelings.
• Oh, hey. That answers my Leia hair length question.
• R2D2 is so shiny.
• Boom. Heroes.

Conclusion: I was expecting cheesier than this. I enjoyed it (I mean, it was no GotG, but that movie wouldn't have happened without Star Wars), and it was also surreal to have more context for countless parodies and homages I've seen over the years. My only complaints are the terrible acting and lack of Ewoks and Yoda. But I suppose I have those to look forward to in subsequent films.