Difficult Questions: Part Two

Yesterday I confessed that I’ve been struggling with my identity as a female Christian parent. I shared some of the questions and answers that were more unsettling than satisfying for me. The more I asked questions and heard answers; I was able to refine what I was really looking for:

As a mom, what is my spiritual calling? How am I contributing to Kingdom economy by taking care of my baby? What I needed to know was weather I was actually fulfilling my calling in the simple act of loving my daughter. Could there really be purpose in changing poopy diapers, cleaning spit up, feeding my baby for so many hours in the day that I can get little else done? Or did I need to figure out how to add on to that with other ministry efforts in order to be a truly faithful Christian. 

I spent weeks worrying, praying, reading, discussing these questions without finding resolution. I ended up taking on a ministry role, in hopes that this would help assuage my anxieties. That was a great experience, but my anxieties would not be assuaged.

Mothers’ day weekend rolled around. Manny and I went to a Barnes and Noble. We grabbed coffees, and he left me there while he took Sofia to shop for my mothers’ day gift. Little did he know, leaving me alone, well caffeinated, in the comforting quiet of a bookstore might have been the greatest mothers’ day gift he could have given me.

Fully relaxed and well stimulated, I barely made it more than fifteen feet in nearly two hours as I took my time browsing through magazines and books. In the course of my splendid exploration, I stumbled upon a book about mothering. One piece that stuck out to me was her encouragement about the value of a mother’s presence with her children.

Having worked with children who have been in and out of the foster care system, I know the value of the presence of a mother all too well. So this author’s words rang very true. But they also got me thinking about this word, “Presence.”

You might be familiar with Brother Lawrence. This is a monk who had to wash dishes for the monastery for most of his life. Pretty mundane, tedious work. A little like changing diapers perhaps? As he sought to find worth in what he was doing day in and day out, he wrote a book called The Practice of the Presence of God, about becoming aware of the presence of God in all things.

As I put all these pieces together [aka the Holy Spirit worked in my heart], I realized that I did indeed believe that God is glorified when I am present for my daughter. It brings Him joy when I love and care for her. If I am to strive to do all things to the glory of God, and I know with absolute certainty that God is glorified when we love Him, and love our neighbor [including our own children], then the work I'm doing has value, great Kingdom value. This gave me incredible peace.

[note: An important thing about calling is not to apply someone else's calling to your own life - so please don't take my quest for peace as a dictate on your life. I don't believe any truths I discovered say anything about work/motherhood balance or what even I will do with my career in the years to come, only that there is value in the time I do spend with my daughter right now. My hope is that you would seek out what the Holy Spirit is leading you to - which is a very personal thing.]

Thank you Geoff, this was an important challenge to answer. I believe I’ll be a better mom, and a better Kingdom citizen for having wrestled this out! Gotta run, I've got a baby to feed!

Difficult Questions

Geoffrey Hsu catapulted me into an existential crisis. Ok, to be fair, this kind of happens alot. But not knowing me well when I informed him of the fact, he was concerned.

Geoff had been a guest speaker at a lecture series I was attending. On the morning that triggered my crisis, he was speaking about vocation. He challenged us to evaluate how has God called us to help bring about the Kingdom of God on earth. I liked what he was saying. I did not like my inability to answer his challenge. I couldn't quite figure out what this was supposed to mean for me as a mother.

There’s a sense in which I was asking the same question that millions of mom’s have been asking, especially since the feminist movement. How do I balance who I am free to be now as a woman, with my desire to love and care for my child? Is my work of caring for my child valuable? Is it valued? Do I stay home and miss using my gifts? Do I work (for pay or for the "Kingdom") and miss watching my child grow up? Do I let my graduate degree go to waste? Do I still have my own identity, or am I just "baby's mom"? Am I a horrible mother for even thinking about these questions? Thousands of people have built whole careers off the guilt and turmoil women feel under the pressure of all of these questions.

Some good answers I’ve heard over the years are things like:

“Even though you don’t get paid, being a mom is an important job too.” I agree, but I might say that this statement opens up more cans of worms rather than offering good closure, for me at least. 

“You can be a better mother to your child when you allow the gifts and talents you’ve been given to flow through you.” Yes, I believe that.

“Having a child actually opens doors for you to minister to a whole new crowd of people, like fellow moms.” True, I’ve seen Sofia allow me to love people more, rather than take my love away from people, as I’d expected. Great.

My dad, who speaks in pictures, not words, sent me a picture of my daughter, asking, “Are you still wondering whether there’s purpose in what you’re doing?” Hard to argue with that, but honestly, I was.

Despite preparing myself with answers like these, when Geoff spoke, I could not be satisfied.

Tell me, am I alone in this Lobsters? Even if you’re not a mom, do you wonder about the questions modern womanhood and parenthood present for how our children are raised or how our women AND men define their identity? What are some of the other questions you’ve struggled with in this arena that I haven’t referenced? What are some of the satisfying or unsatisfying answers you’ve heard?

More on how my saga continues, tomorrow . . .