Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Here's the fifth installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 32 year old watching Star Wars for the first time:

• "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" wasn't scrolling, and I got SO excited for about three seconds, but NOOOOO...scrolly exposition is still here.
• Dooku continues to be a ridiculous name.
• Boom! Right into battle!
• I feel like I'm watching someone play a video game.
• If Amazon ends up using droids for deliveries, a rival service should use buzz droids to mess them up.
• If R2D2's head gets lopped off by that buzz droid, I'm going on Star Wars strike.
• Who's this skeleton robot? I've literally never seen this creature before, and he seems like a main character.

  

  Photo from disqus.com

• Whoa! The light saber's a walkie talkie to R2D2?! NEAT. It's a shame it's going to blow his cover.
• These robots' voices are the opposite of intimidating.
• R2D2 FIRE.
• Dooku starts the fight with a triple forward flip and sticks the landing. 10!
• "Twice the pride, double the fall." That sounds like a bad advertising slogan.
• Ewan appears to be squished.
• Anakin should have said "Dooku, don't lose your head" before he did that.
• This is a mean Chancellor.
• Wilhelm scream!
• If the ship is split open, wouldn't there be a distinct lack of gravity? How is all this falling happening? Scratch that. They'd all, like, implode and suffocate all the time if real space rules applied.
• Ruh-roh.
• General Grievous? Really phoned that name in, didn't we?
• It'd be useful for wizards to learn the Force. Obi Wan and Anakin essentially just performed "Accio Lightsaber" without wands.
• Why does Grievous have a cough and a cape? He's a robot.
• Ewan never falters in his positive spirit. He'd make a great Christmas elf.
• I hope they're going to visit some Ewoks or Yoda or something cute.
• R2D2 screams like a pansy girl.
• That ship looks like the monorail!
• Anakin's hair. Yeesh.
• President Santos! In a blue pimp coat! 
• Padme still wants Anakin to be her super secret special friend.
• "I'm pregnant." "That's...................." way too long pause "..........wonderful."
• Oh, please. You cannot brush curls like that. They'd frizz into a mane. 
• No, I'M so in love. No, I am! No, I AM. Gag.
• It'd be so great if this whole movie was just like, getting ready to be a dad...in space. Baby shower...in space. Going into labor...in space! And they just give up the battles and everything.
• Yoda!
• Now all I can think is that Frank Oz was on Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me and he came across a bit haughty. Haughty Yoda.
• Ooo Anakin's going to spy on the Chancellor. (I think of Chancellor Arnold from Beverly Hills 90210 every time I hear the word Chancellor.)
• Yoda's speech pattern is officially NOT endearing.
• I don't believe Samuel L. Jackson is part of this fictional world. He's just himself in a robe.
• Oh, Natalie. This is not your best work.
• Ominous music. What the heck are they watching? Looks like Cirque performed by giant goldfish (or sperm?) in large floating drops of water.
• How'd Chancellor know they wanted Annie to spy on him? This guy's a total creeper. Is he the Sith Lord in Grievous's hologram?!
• Wookies! Finally!
• Did that Wookie just do a Tarzan yell?
• I can't remember if Obi Wan is alive in the older movies. That last scene between Anakin and Obi Wan felt rather final.
• "I want more!" - Anakin so often sounds like a petulant child.
• Obi Wan is now riding a giant lizard that looks plucked directly from a mediocre show on SyFy.
• Oh, snap. That was a rad move, Obi Wan. Crashing that giant thing from the ceiling then casually lopping that robot's head off. A-.
• Wow! Grievous has a lot of arms!
• Extreme eye close-ups!
• Oh, no! Quick - Accio Lightsaber again!
• I think the Chancellor would be good friends with President Snow.
• Confirmed Sith Lord Chancellor!
• Grievous has a heart! Or something organic and squishy. That explains the cough.
• And now...an entire scene of Anakin and Padme staring out their windows.
• I'll bet those snakes on the plane aren't looking so bad now, Samuel L.
• Ew.
• Super poor choice, Anakin.
• Darth Vader! Imperial march! Get that boy a costume change!
• Man. Anakin decided to go to the dark side and now he's just all in.
• Mugatu, noooooo!
• Character from Avatar, nooooo!
• I usually like montages, but this one's depressing.
• Yoda with the double head chop!
• Yoda riding piggyback on Chewie. Adorbs.
• Is Anakin going to kill all these baby Jedis?!
• Phew, President Santos got away.
• Wookie communication is similar to Margot communication: Lots of adorable, meaningful head tilting.
• "Are you all right?" - Padme. Anakin's response should be "Oh, I'm fine. I'm just on a killing spree. NBD."
• Can't R2 tell Padme that Anakin has LOST IT?
• I wonder how many people Yoda has killed.
• I realize that Anakin's motivation is to keep his wife alive, but I have to say...dude is evil. He must have always had it in him. *I'm realizing that this is probably a great nerd debate and maybe not that simple, but it seems pretty clear to me.
• That alien looked like the witch's guards in Wizard of Oz.
• Did Obi Wan really not know who the father of Padme's kid was yet?
• At least Anakin is crying. That's a point for the "he's not all evil" side of the nerdebate.
• Padme's ability to run while pregnant is wildly unrealistic.
• Anakin's really hung up on comparing Padme to his mother. 
• "You turned her against me!" He should stomp his feet when he says such things.
• Every time Yoda destroys guards with ease I giggle. Adorable violence.
• Poke him in the face so he has to wear a mask and breathe funny, Obi Wan!
• What's this electricity magic power? I'm guessing he doesn't use it more often because it makes him look...like that.

  

  Darth Sidious? More like Darth Sidiyuck.
  Photo from starwars.com

• The prominent choral portion of the score makes me feel that we're reaching the end of this interminable fight scene.
• "It's over, Anakin. I have the higher ground." - Lorelai Gilmore's anger at this is not unreasonable.
• Anakin clearly never played hot lava as a child. So much burning!
• "Is Anakin all right?" NO.
• Lying flat on her back while pregnant. Was there not one mother on set to correct these little things?
• Hey, Anakin, silver lining: Your terrible, terrible hair is gone.
• So Luke and Leia must be twins. (A robot confirmed that three seconds after I wrote it. Neat.)
• That putting on the Darth Vader mask shot was COOL.
• Padme totally would have lived if Anakin hadn't gone all dark side in an effort to save her.
• "NOOOOOOOO!" Hehe.
• Padme's mortician has skillz.

  

  I've never looked that good. And I'm alive.
  Photo from www.rebelshaven.com

• Surely this film will end soon. Ah, we're establishing the twins' lives.
• It's over!

In conclusion, this was the best of the newer films and I very nearly enjoyed it. Only one more, and then I'll have earned my right to see JJ's film!