Thursday, May 26, 2011

Evolution of Love

Dear Emily [and other pregnant Lobsters],

I’m so excited that your baby girl is on the way. In less than two months she’ll be here! I know you have a ton going on right now, but I’ve realized something lately and I wanted to share it with you. I hope it will be a little something in the back of your mind that gets you excited about what you have to look forward to.

I was holding Sofia in my arms recently. I was exhausted. My back was in excruciating pain from carrying her around all day for the past who knows how many days. She was squirming, so it was making it difficult to feed her. I was on the verge of exasperation. [getting excited yet?] But I felt this overwhelming love for her wash over me. I had no reason to believe she had any happy feelings towards me right then, but I didn’t need any. I loved her so fully in that moment, whether or not she loved me back. It was fine by me if our love was completely one sided.


I realized I’d entered a new phase of my life. Before she came, for years I had been in a phase of life that was about finding requited love – someone who would love me the way I loved them. During that phase, there were mellow dramatic seasons of singleness, wondering if I’d always be alone; relationships where the other person thought more of me than I thought of them; relationships where I thought more of the other person than they thought of me; and finally a relationship where we both thought more of the other person that we thought of ourselves.

I thought about how nice it was, to come into a phase of my life where even if this love is unrequited, I am not bothered at all, it brings me joy anyway. And then I realized, preceding the phase of searching for a love of balance between two people, I had been on the other end of this one-sided love. I was obviously a child once too. I know my parents felt this love for me because of all the times I was a twitt to them, but they kept loving me anyway. Their love was not dependent on my love.

So I’ve gone from fully receiving, to searching for a symbiotic give and take, and now to fully giving. I’ve come full circle. There is an incredible sweetness to this phase, and I can’t wait for you to taste it too!

Lurv,
z

1 comment:

  1. Zoe, this does help. I'm looking forward to experiencing a new kind of love. Thanks for the honest words. :)

    ReplyDelete