Eat snow

Today, I had one goal: shop for groceries. 

Today's list of accomplishments: groceries shopped, snow eaten. 

I guess that makes it a good day, I would like to collect my bonus points now, thank you. 

I've been spending more time than I anticipated meditating on my incapacity to come up with a resolution for this year. I had lots of time to think about it this weekend when we went on this retreat, you know, the one where I was not joining a cult? They provided child care, which meant I had more waking hours away from Sofia than ever before in our lives. It was emotionally distressing at several points, I suffered worse from separation anxiety than she did I think, but it also provided enough space for me to be able to start forming coherent thoughts for the first time in - I don't want to calculate exactly how long. 

One of the retreat exercises included meditating on John 5:1-17 & Isaiah 5:1-7. In summary: Jesus is the vine, we are the branches, God is the gardener. God does the pruning that we might allow the life of Christ to flow through us and bear fruit. When we don't remain in Him, bad things happen. There is a whole lot of meat in these passages, a great deal of high minded, spiritual profound meat. But you know what God needed to teach me this specific weekend? The simple lesson that my life needs some pruning, and by my life, I mean my to-do list. 

I had two majors in college and went to grad school in an entirely different area. I've held jobs in about ten different fields, and have had career aspirations in about five times as many fields. I'm all over the place. On a prideful day, I like to think I just have so much to give the world, that's why I'm so "diversified." But on a day like I had this weekend, I was humbled and had to admit I'm just spreading myself too thin to be worthwhile in anything. I think I'm just grasping for worth, wallowing in insecurity about my identity. I keep thinking I have this figured out, and keep coming back around, face to face with God's truth, that I'm not secure in the right things. 

So I sat down in the still quiet time, sans squealing babe, that has become so unfamiliar. I brainstormed the list of "projects" I feel like I'm juggling these days. In less than ten minutes, I had 30 items on my list. thirty. ugh. No wonder I am always wracked with anxiety/anger/fear/despair when Sofia wakes up from a nap and I haven't had enough time to get "it all" done. I went back through the list, anxiously, but prayerfully, and started making the hard decisions about projects I need to let go of. I could only let go of about half. But when I got honest, there were only about six that were bearing fruit. Only about six that seemed truly of the Spirit. A few others might be worth returning to another day, but I am deciding to focus on these six and work to let go of the other things tugging at my heart/mind/creativity/sense of obligation. Talk about separation anxiety. 

But I'm supposed to honoring God in all I do, I have to remain in Him, I have to humbly submit myself to Him to be pruned. So, we'll see how I manage. Can't say I feel too secure or comfortable in this new zone just yet. But today I kept it to one goal for the day, and that goal got accomplished, and then some. A goal that supports one of my six key projects. So I will accept that today was a good day. Dear Lobsters, if you love Jesus, would you pray with me that I would survive some pruning so that God might bear fruit through me? Thanks much.

Response to "resolution'd"

Like Emily, I'm not much for resolutions, but I am into goals, and like to have a sense of a goal for the year at the start. But last year, with a January 2nd due date, and no previous experience with motherhood, I felt it was wisest to be wide open to what the year had to bring us. That peaceful openness worked out great for 2011. But as 2011 came to a close, I found myself in a state of confused frazzledness. The best I can do goal-wise this new year, is hope to get to a place where I can formulate a goal next year. Best of luck 2013!

Emily is somehow managing early motherhood, full time work, and a discerning ambition for the year to come. I think she deserves a massive round of applause, and then an admission that she can not possibly be duly honored for the amazing things she does for her family, all the while keeping all of us entertained through this blog. Hats off to you, my lobster-for-life!

If you didn't catch her post about her resolution, go read it here. I found the second article she linked to particularly valuable. While it was a fully secular post, I think it points beautifully to the gift that God designed for us in Sabbath, a discipline I am always yearning to hone more fully. Part of what I heard Emily longing for was an ability to be more present with her daughter, but another part I was hearing was her need to be recharged. I completely identify with BOTH parts, even though my day to day looks rather different. So, while I'm still trying to figure these things out just as much as Emily, I have found a few activities that help me, personally, to feel recharged while also feeling like I am giving presence, attention, stimulation and love to my daughter. So I thought I'd just pass them along to Emily, but publicly, in case the tip could help you, but also so you can help us add to this list.

How I recharge while providing presence to Sofia:

1) Sing along to music

Emily already mentioned music as a good idea. What she wouldn't have mentioned is how awesome her singing voice is. I have an adequate [by certain standards at least] singing voice, and Sofia is absolutely enthralled, no matter how silly the song I make up for her. I love singing, it brings me relaxation and joy. Getting all those benefits AND Sofia's lit up little face is a true treat. We both get relaxed, filled with joy, and more in tune with each other. So I recommend that while you are playing music, that you sing along, pretty soon, Eiley will be trying to join in and its only one step away from the awesome family band I have envisioned for the Fazakerleys!

2) Take walks

I have been to the gym exactly one time in the entire first year (and some odd days) of Sofia's life. That's no good, but I do walk almost every single day, sometimes twice. The walk gets me out of the house, it provides us with fresh air, it calms us both down, it gets me uncaught from the interwebs, it provides us both with visual stimulation, gives me things to talk to Sofia about when I've run out of words or patience, and it often has me running into other human beings that we can talk to, which is also helpful and leads me to my last point.

3) Playdates even with friends

You might think this requires having friends with kids the same age as yours and with your child's same nap schedule, but it doesn't. When I lived in San Diego, my closest friend was Lexie, who did not have any children. Still, she came over and we did a bible study together or took walks, she held and played with Sofia, and we got to talk and it was SOooo good for me. Here in Brunswick, we have found a few good peers for playdates, but Sofia also really loves hanging out with mom/kid combos where the kid is a couple years older than her. Sofia gets to feel cool by association-to-older-kid, and I get lots of advice about what to look forward to/prepare for in the years to come.

To the other Lobster Mamas out there, what other ways have you found to recharge yourself so that you can better love your family?

resolution'd!

I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions. I once read appalling statistics about the failure rate of resolutions, so I just figured it would be dumb to even try. But this year, something strange happened.


On January 1, I read this: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/27720-a-new-yearwithout-facebook (Summary: Girl decides to give up Facebook. Oddly enough, I saw this on Facebook. Hi, Caitlin!)


On January 2, I read this: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/opinion/sunday/the-joy-of-quiet.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1 (Summary: Dude is more creative and happy because he takes time to be quiet and avoids things like social media. Oddly enough, I saw this on Facebook too. Hi, Meredith!)


On January 3, I saw this:
(This was on Netflix. Nothing odd about that.)


You might be thinking that I interpreted this as "It's time to give up Facebook!" I didn't. Facebook is generally a positive thing for me because my family lives far away. I currently use it mostly to keep them updated on all things Eiley. I would be terrible at emailing pictures, but for some reason throwing them on Facebook is manageable. I feel no inner tug (which I like to call "Holy Spirit") telling me to quit it. 


My resolution, instead, turned to Eiley. Working full time and having a full time baby is not the easiest thing in the world, even with a husband who pitches in constantly. When Eiley is napping, I have to make work calls instead of taking a break myself. Therefore, I tend to be not the most attentive mother in the world. I'm not neglecting her or anything, but I just know I could be more selfless and offer her more attention. Instead of browsing Facebook several times a day, I could limit my intake to times when she is asleep and I'm not working. Instead of distracting myself with a TV show when no one else is home, I could turn on some music and find creative ways to interact with my child. Instead of going shopping for myself, I could stay home and read a book with Eiley. In return, I'm fairly certain she'll whine less since she enjoys an audience, just like her daddy. (That was a joke. He's not whiny - he's an actor.) 


So there you go. An official New Year's Resolution, though it's admittedly a little fuzzy since there is no measurable outcome. But it still counts. What are your resolutions, Lobsters?