emily and eiley's guide to good sleep

Jeff went on a trip to Florida, and I got to take him to the airport at 4:45 this morning. Knowing that I was going to have to wake up that early filled me with unspeakable amounts of dread (#firstworldproblems), so I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep last night. I had to use my various methods of helping myself drift off, and I decided I should share this vast wisdom with the lobster world.


Three Steps to Get to Sleep - Emily Edition
1. Find a comfortable position, and play a game called "DON'T MOVE" with yourself. If you move, you lose.  If you don't move, you will most likely eventually fall asleep.
2. If that doesn't work, visualize boring shapes. I'm talking squares, circles, triangles - pretty much anything you learned before age five. Don't try to get complicated. Octagons will start to wake you up, and anything three dimensional will give you nightmares.
3. If that doesn't work, play six degrees of separation with yourself. Choose two actors at random, and connect them by their film work, by their TV work, or even by that one time they were on the same talk show on the same day. Kevin Bacon is not required for this game to work. Last night I linked my friend Queen Latifah to Billy Crystal. I think I had one too many links, but I eventually got there. And then I tried to link Daniel Radcliffe to The Rock and I fell asleep. (I have since figured it out, thanks.) 

I don't want to brag, but I can sleep on a couch in broad daylight.

Three Steps to Get to Sleep - Eiley Edition
1. Drink some warm milk, turn on the glow seahorse, and drift off peacefully.
2. Drink some warm milk, sit up in the crib, scream face off, and eventually pass out from exhaustion. Face planting on the sheet is optional.
3. Drink some warm milk, pull up a Grandma, and let her rock you both to sleep.

This is a favorite option.

Bonus tip: If you wake up from a nightmare and can't get those scary pictures and dark thoughts out of your head, I recommend picturing a cheesy, cartoonish Jesus standing behind a table eating chocolate pudding with a rainbow in the background. I have employed this technique countless times, and it hasn't failed me yet.  

In conclusion, you're welcome. Sleep tight. 

Nervousness.

A human is going to come out of me sometime soon. How weird is that? Yeah, it happens every day, but it's still weird to me. I've had mixed emotions about having a child - I usually start with dread because we are so not ready for a baby (mostly just financially, but that's something I tend to worry about most so it seems to loom extra), and that cycles to guilt for feeling dread because the baby is a blessing and I should feel wholly grateful, thrilled, joyful, [pick a happy adjective] about her. Last week I had a lovely realization that far less competent people have had children who turned out fine, so we should be okay too. But I still have some concerns, and I thought I'd throw them out there to you, Lobsters:

1. I'm afraid I'm going to become a different person. Lack of sleep will make me grumpy, hormones will make me super sentimental, or I'll turn into one of those people who only talks about what their kid did that day. I already struggle to not talk about my dog too much. I'm hoping that the baby will do even more interesting things than him, but then I run the risk of boring people with anecdotes about poop and drool.
2. Speaking of dog, I'm ever so slightly afraid that my child won't be as adorable as my Buster. In fact, if I don't think Eiley is cute, I won't say that aloud because that is socially unacceptable, but I will lean forward conspiratorially and whisper "...we know" when people first meet her. That's right - I have an ugly baby contingency plan. (We will very likely still love her, don't worry.)

...and he's not photogenic.

3. Collectively, Jeff and I know nothing about infants. We went to a "Parenting Your Newborn" class last night and learned a little, but I'm fairly certain that watching a Powerpoint is not real preparation for having a child. I have changed approximately one diaper in my life and I've never dressed a Squirmy McSquirmerson, so things are about to get slapstick in my house. I think this will be hilarious for the most part, so my concern here is mostly that people will laugh at me and I'll get defensive, or they'll criticize me and I'll cry or hit them back with some snark. I guess this goes back to not wanting to become a grumpy jerk.

4. I will be working full time after a little bit of short term disability (yeah, no maternity leave here - this baby is considered a disability). I'm nervous about juggling work with baby. My office is definitely working with me to make it as easy as possible, but without the possibility of paying for childcare, easy is not really going to be an option. I am pre-grateful for the friends who have expressed a desire to help out and the husband who is going to be super involved and my sister who I'm certain will be a super aunt.
5. Let's revisit point one. I'm seriously nervous about the lack of sleep portion of that. In my mind, I will not be sleeping for the next eighteen years or so. I love sleep, and I'm going to miss it like whoa. This is a selfish point. Feel free to judge me.

Any future parent Lobsters feel this way? Or is it all sunshine and excitement and basketball tummies?