emily and eiley's guide to good sleep

Jeff went on a trip to Florida, and I got to take him to the airport at 4:45 this morning. Knowing that I was going to have to wake up that early filled me with unspeakable amounts of dread (#firstworldproblems), so I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep last night. I had to use my various methods of helping myself drift off, and I decided I should share this vast wisdom with the lobster world.


Three Steps to Get to Sleep - Emily Edition
1. Find a comfortable position, and play a game called "DON'T MOVE" with yourself. If you move, you lose.  If you don't move, you will most likely eventually fall asleep.
2. If that doesn't work, visualize boring shapes. I'm talking squares, circles, triangles - pretty much anything you learned before age five. Don't try to get complicated. Octagons will start to wake you up, and anything three dimensional will give you nightmares.
3. If that doesn't work, play six degrees of separation with yourself. Choose two actors at random, and connect them by their film work, by their TV work, or even by that one time they were on the same talk show on the same day. Kevin Bacon is not required for this game to work. Last night I linked my friend Queen Latifah to Billy Crystal. I think I had one too many links, but I eventually got there. And then I tried to link Daniel Radcliffe to The Rock and I fell asleep. (I have since figured it out, thanks.) 

I don't want to brag, but I can sleep on a couch in broad daylight.

Three Steps to Get to Sleep - Eiley Edition
1. Drink some warm milk, turn on the glow seahorse, and drift off peacefully.
2. Drink some warm milk, sit up in the crib, scream face off, and eventually pass out from exhaustion. Face planting on the sheet is optional.
3. Drink some warm milk, pull up a Grandma, and let her rock you both to sleep.

This is a favorite option.

Bonus tip: If you wake up from a nightmare and can't get those scary pictures and dark thoughts out of your head, I recommend picturing a cheesy, cartoonish Jesus standing behind a table eating chocolate pudding with a rainbow in the background. I have employed this technique countless times, and it hasn't failed me yet.  

In conclusion, you're welcome. Sleep tight.