Suggestion Box: The Bachelor*

The Bachelor should be considered my guilty pleasure, but when I discover other fans of the show I unabashedly discuss it like the people on the show are chimpanzees and I am Jane Goodall. Not because I've lived among them - I would certainly die of alcohol poisoning if I did that - but because I become an expert on the matter. I could write a dissertation on the damaging effect of a woman bringing a single rose into a room full of grown men on an otherwise pleasant evening. I could write a truly terrible love poem comprised entirely of hyperbolic statements overused on the show. But I won't.

Have you ever noticed Chris Harrison's tiny, tiny hands? My friend Patty pointed it out to me, and now I can't unsee how comically small they are.

Each season of The Bachelor promises it's the most. dramatic. season. ever. Usually that's accurate. Of course, the drama is manipulated through sleep deprivation, editing, flowing alcohol, a select few inherently ridiculous people, and interviews and ADR that are done well after the season is complete (Sean Lowe verified this in his book For the Right Reasons, which I am properly embarrassed to admit that I read). Because of all that manipulation, I think of the people on the show more as characters and less as humans, but I still love the drama. I love yelling "WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!" at the TV when the first person of the season finally breaks and says they didn't think it would be this hard. I enjoy sighing in disgusted exasperation when the villain gets a rose. I even secretly like peeking through my fingers at painfully awkward moments when signals are missed or break-ups are more intense than the short half-relationship should warrant.

So my suggestion is not to remove the drama, but to add more of the lighter moments. By my (completely made up on the spot but probably close to accurate) calculations, they spend 5% of each episode showing the same handful of clips all season that include people crying, fighting, or generally making poor decisions. 23% of each episode is spent previewing what will happen after the next commercial break. I suggest removing these repeated scenes and adding in the more genuine moments. They currently pin these at the end of a handful of episodes and call them "bloopers" or something, but the franchise would improve vastly if there was more focus on this. 

They could show more of the large group of men or women doing very little while waiting for their dates. I'd guess some pretty entertaining stuff goes down, though it might end up feeling like Big Brother mixed with Bachelor if they did too much with the house life. They could show scenes from their travels. I would love to watch those big guys crammed into airplane seats, leaning on each other to nap or drooling on their tray tables. Or the girls without all their makeup, lugging their bags through the airport. Genuine interaction on the dates would be interesting too. They currently air mostly canned conversations with topics that have clearly been fed to them. 

As I write this, I wonder if it wouldn't work. If we humanize these people too much, will it take away from the guilt-free entertainment aspect of the show? Are they better left as overly serious, gossipy characters who act more like jealous schoolchildren than like functioning adults? Let me know what you think (or mercilessly mock me for writing this) in the comments!


*I'm referring to both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I just didn't want to type both out every time. Give me a break.

A Church Hunting Lament

We moved to Murrieta in September and have enjoyed it so far, but to find more community - and, you know, because the Bible recommends it to grow in knowledge of Christ and spur each other on and all that good stuff - we need to find a church here. I loathe this process*. It makes me hypercritical, and that makes me feel like a judgmental jerk. We've visited four churches and countless church websites, and my complaints have spanned from mere preferences (too big or too small or too far from home or too dark inside) to valid concerns (the songs are more about me and how God makes me feel than they are about God and worshiping who He is). We didn't visit one church because the pastor was too spray tanned in his website picture, and I didn't see how I could trust an Oompa Loompa's Biblical teaching.

It hasn't been all bad though. We've found churches that excel at welcoming visitors, churches with beautiful music that glorifies God, churches with sound Biblical teaching from pastors who are not orange. We have several solid options, and we're leaning strongly toward one, but it's not as easy a decision as it was in Orange County. The first time Jeff and I attended there, we looked at each other afterward and one of us said this is it and the other said yup with zero hesitation.

Our church in Orange County has a sweet mix of professional musicians who consistently choose songs that point to God, a pastor who speaks to us in a regular voice and goes the exegetical route with his teaching so we always are in the Bible, a nice community, and a sanctuary with tons of natural light. And it's called Grace Fellowship Church, not something like Cemented in Hiz Luv (I should note that I made up two additional ridiculous, trendy-sounding names, but then I Googled it and discovered they were in fact real church names so I omitted them). 

They say you don't get to choose your family, but that's not totally true. You get to choose your church family. I think that's the pressure here. What do you look for in a church? How did you choose your church? 




*Yo. I understand and appreciate that we live in a country where we are free to worship God and some people do not have that luxury and I should just be grateful and not overthink this decision. But I live here and I'm an imperfect human, so deal.  

A Tale of Intense Coincidence

On a Wednesday afternoon earlier this year, the sunshine and light breeze begged me and the girls to eat outside. I didn't usually like to do that on a weekday because of the extra time it took to pack the picnic which would keep me away from work, but I could not refuse that weather. Off we went to our park in Irvine, but it didn't have any shade so we continued on to the next park. There's one every few hundred yards in Woodbridge; it's both excessive and magical. We had never been to park number two before, but it had a lovely covered picnic area so it worked out.

We had the picnic area to ourselves for a minute, but then a woman came along with her two kids who seemed to each be just a smidge younger than Margot and Eiley. I asked about her kids, even though I rarely talk to strangers in depth, and the conversation continued for over half an hour. She told me she lived nearby right now, but she was in the middle of a separation and might either move up to Davis where she had a job opportunity or down the street where they owned a townhome - but they'd need to kick out the current renters for that option. She told me about her marriage ending and about her baby boy's upcoming cleft palate operation and about her sister who lives in Texas and about the dog that her husband gave her as a gift that she never wanted and loathed. We spoke easily and I started to hope that she'd end up with the townhome option because maybe we could be friends.

I needed to get back to work, so I told her it was so nice to meet her and we started to leave.
"Bye, Jess!" I said.
"Ah, remind me of your name," she replied.
Eiley quickly responded, "My name is Eiley. This is my sister Margot; my mama's name is Emily, my dog is Buster, and my daddy's name is Jeff."
Because Eiley said all that, Jess came back with "I'm Jess, this is Jo-Jo and baby James, our dog's name is Fido*, and their daddy's name is Jimmie."

My mind sped over to the piles of mail we'd delivered to our landlords via our property manager over the past year, addressed to Jess and Jimmie. I considered that she had gestured in the general direction of our place when she mentioned the townhome she might move to if she stayed in the area. I blurted out "I LIVE IN YOUR TOWNHOME." If I had paused to think more before I spoke, I'd have kept that revelation to myself.

Her face transitioned from casual ease into mortification. Her thought was nearly legible: I just told her I might kick her out of her home soon. 

I quickly decided that this woman clearly had enough going on in her life, and she didn't need worrying about my family to enter her decision about her next step. I told her that Jeff and I were thinking about moving anyway (lie), we were even considering out of state (lie), and she should of course do whatever was best for her family (truth). She kept saying "awww," like she was looking at a particularly adorable puppy. I think she meant "I feel exceedingly awkward, but I don't know what to say." I tend to make terribly obvious jokes when I feel that way, but nothing was coming to me.

We said goodbye one last time, and I left feeling like there must be some reason we met this way. I believe that some things are coincidences, but this was too intense. I saw God in all of it. I wish I could tell you specifically how He used the situation, but I still don't know why it happened. Jeff and I ended up moving anyway, even though we really weren't thinking about it until much later. Jess didn't end up moving in. I saw them at Baskin Robbins a few weeks later. I asked about baby's cleft palate surgery, and she said "awww" a lot. And I've never seen them again.


*Dog name changed because I can't remember it.

don't read this if birth stories give you the jeebies (part two)

On the morning of May 9 last year, I talked to a student about the wonders of online learning and paused mid-sentence because of a contraction. I didn't acknowledge to myself that it was a contraction at the time. I thought it was just you kicking me extra hard or your giant body snuggling up to your favorite pillow (my bladder) or maybe a little gas. It was your due date, and I never imagined having you on your due date because we are not that punctual in our family.

By about 3 pm, it was clear that these were contractions, but my water hadn't broken so I couldn't be sure if this was the real thing.

By 4 pm, I asked Daddy to come home because your sister was almost up from her nap, and someone was going to need to take care of her. And also someone needed to take care of me.

By 6:30 pm, we called Baba and Roby to come pick Eiley up. This was happening.

After Eiley left, we timed contractions. This was not very interesting. By 10:30 pm, the contractions were not consistent in strength, and they were generally six or seven minutes apart so we decided to go lay down in bed to rest. I felt terrified of going to the hospital, having a stranger stick his or her hand in me, and getting told to go home, so we were going to waitwaitwait to leave.

By 11:30, the contractions were five minutes apart and it was time to leave. Really a wasted walk up the stairs.

In the ten minute drive to the hospital I had three contractions, and I had two on the walk into the hospital. I then had two at the admitting desk and they let me skip the intake room and go straight to the labor room. This is probably how it feels to skip a grade. It was a relief.

I immediately asked for an epidural. The anesthesiologist came quickly, but he sounded nervous as soon as he saw my awesomely-shaped back. "You have scoliosis!" he declared. I think I nodded at him. I won't tell you what I thought in response because there's a cuss in it.

He numbed the area with a couple of shots, but the memory of the anesthesiologist missing once when I had Eiley filled me with such terror that I sat there shaking and whimpering, Chihuahua-style. He was freaking me out, I was freaking him out. Pretty soon the fear overcame me and I felt like I might faint. Thoughts that quickly passed through my brain: If I pass out, will something horrible happen here? Should I lie down? Or should I risk it for the sake of trying to hold still for the epidural? My vision began to tunnel, so I squeaked, "Is it okay for me to pass out?" and the nurse quickly began to help me onto my side on the bed. Daddy likes to tell everyone that I had you without any drugs. I like to tell everyone that it was not by choice.

Once on my side, I immediately felt certain I was peeing my pants. Somehow mortified (even though there are about a hundred equally embarrassing things that had already happened by that point that hadn't fazed me a bit), I announced my leakiness to the room. And then I made an elegant follow up speech about how I needed to poop. A more together person might have recognized that her water had broken and she needed to push the baby out.

In came the midwife, and about 20 minutes later at around 1 am, out came you! Before the midwife left the delivery room, she asked if she could pray with us. She prayed for you and your little life and I cried like a baby, pardon the analogy.

For a long while after you were born, I looked at you, wondering how on earth such a huge thing had fit inside me. I fretted about your super weird toes that looked like lobster claws. I marveled at the distinct dimple in your chin. And I've basically been staring at you ever since. You continue to surprise me with how easily you smile, your passion for shoes and Buster, and your ability to make Daddy and me laugh. I love you, Margot Mikkele!

Easter People Devotionals Day 24

Easter People Devotionals Day 24

For an explanation of this series, click here. To see a collection of all the Devotionals in the series so far, click here.

Day 24: He is Alive ~Third Day

LYRICS

Angels are watching over us

With the saints that have gone on before us

And they join in a heavenly chorus

Singing “He is alive, He is alive”

He is alive

Death is defeated

Sin has retreated 

From the power of the Son

And He is alive

The enemy is faded

The battle still rages

But the war has been won

The stars in the heavens rejoice

With the sun and the moon

And with all of the earth

Let all of creation now lift up their voice

Singing “He is alive, He is alive”

Jesus is alive

Jesus is alive

He is alive

Death is defeated 

Sin has retreated 

From the power of the Son

He is alive, He is alive

He is alive, He is alive

Jesus is alive

Jesus is alive

Movie Review Monday: Star Wars Episode II: The Clone Wars

Here's the fourth installment of my six part series on the inner monologue of a 31 year-old watching the Star Wars films for the first time ever:

• Well, hello scrolly exposition. I knew I'd see you again.
• Dooku is a funny name.
• Senator. Count. Queen. I feel like we're mixing governments here.
• I like that shiny spaceship.
• Well, maybe there's SOME danger.
• Whoa that chick just had the most abrupt death scene ever.
• I'm so confused already. Wasn't Natalie a Queen before? Did she get demoted?
• Aw geez. Jar Jar.
• What the Rose Byrne?
• Why hasn't Yoda learned proper English syntax? And what was his first language?
• What happened to Hayden Christenson?
• "I haven't seen Amidala in years, Master...and I'm totally crushing."
• Why hasn't Amidala aged?
• Annie is a prideful little Jedi.
• She didn't forget you completely. She knew your name, Annie. Did you want her to swoon or something?
• That strapless eye patch is stylin'.
• Can you sense that Amidala is eavesdropping, hotshot?
• Whoa, Annie isn't tiptoeing around his crush. "She's intoxicating." Calm down, dude.
• Ew. Millipede wormy things.
• Locate them, R2D2!
• Safe!
• Ewan diving out the window! What's the plan here, Ewan?!
• Ugh. It's Jedis like him who cause rush hour traffic.
• Shot down! Somehow I'm not at all worried for him.
• Yep, Annie caught him.
• Annie is NUTS. 
• Electrocution? No big deal. 
• "What's the point of this?" - Erik. Amen, Erik. Amen.
• Man, Jedis LOVE jumping out of things.
• I'm really growing to love the "pyew! pyew! pyew!" blaster sound effect.
• Is a Jedi's light saber like a wizard's wand in that it's specific to its owner?
• Now they're just running. That seems beneath them somehow.
• Are Ewan's eyes really that green?
• Ooo Jedi therapist - "go home and rethink your life."
• Did he just cut off her arm?!
• Does the light saber cauterize the wound automatically?
• Diagonal fade!
• That's a cute hover chair, Yoda.
• Annie has too much pressure and too much power.
• Ha. Amidala: "Jar Jar - I don't wish to hold you up." That was a diplomatic way of telling him to shut up.
• Whoa, Annie went from "He's a good master, don't get me wrong" to pouting and ranting like a petulant child.
• More like "Please don't LEER at me like that," am I right?
• Jedi poncho!
• I like this amiable diner alien.
• Robot waitress looks exactly like Rosie from the Jetsons.

• Fun fact: My eighth grade Algebra teacher was Mr. Parsek.
• Coolest. Library. Ever.
• Oh, Yoda. Making jokes about losing a planet. You're hilarious.
• OH. Explanation of not being Queen anymore. Thanks, guys.
• Are they bickering in front of the current Queen? Awkward.
• I briefly just wondered where Captain Eo fits in with all this.

• Super long neck Camino alien is lovely!
• Oh, come on, Amidala. You are totally crushing back.
• What if he's using his Jedi mind powers to make her kiss him?! That cad!
• Clones!
• When did she costume change? I liked her Xanadu dress; now she's all hippie.
• The hills are aliiiiive with the sound of...no chemistry!
• Oh no, he fell off the giant potato cow!
• They are literally rolling around in the grass.
• Kid, that's not your dad...he's your...your...what do you call the relationship between you and your young clone?
• This scene is tense and I have NO idea what's happening.
• Uh-oh. Firelight and a heaving bosom. Just get this over with.
• Homeboy is SO CLINGY. He just keeps talking! No, you're tormenting US, Annie.
• "I wish that I could wish away..." Well, that seems like lazy writing.
• Are Jedi robes waterproof?
• If Amidala really wanted to stop this relationship, she wouldn't wear that.
• That's some awesome jumpkicking, Ewan!
• Why is he always falling?
• Those blue charges are AWESOME.
• I would love to know how they created all these sound effects. 
• Just shoot out some spare parts and that will solve it. How anticlimactic.
• 30 men went looking for your mom already, but sure - you have a go at it too.
• The Count looks like the "He chose...poorly" knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
• Poor Mama! Now that was a proper death scene.
• Oh, he's raging.
• Ooo...Imperial Death March subtly playing as Yoda talks about Anakin.
• Anakin's not available right now, Ewan.
• Where does Amidala store all these giant clothes that she wears?
• Single-handed genocide of the Tuskans. Tsk, tsk.
• Amidala is so sassy.
• I am SO sleepy.
• Darth Sidious. The Sith. Why does everything sound vaguely like an STD?
• Holy cow. Will we have to sit through an actual clone war still?! Interminable film!
• Alien robowasp attack! 
• Padme would win everything on that show Wipeout!
• R2 is so much smarter than C3P0.
• Decapitated C3P0!
• How is her outfit still so white?!
• "I truly...deeply..." - Amidala "...madly?" - Erik
• Uf. That is an ugly language.
• Ah, another unnecessary alien monster parade. George Lucas is just showing off.
• Can't they just Jedi fly away from this arena?
• I think Amidala just got scratched so we could see some midriff.
• Oh, please. We did not have time for that smooch.
• I'm fairly impressed by the lack of chemistry between Annie and Amidala. It's like watching two marionettes pretend to be in love.
• GET IT, Samuel L!
• Decapitated Fett!
• They are flirting on the battlefield. Flirting.
• "This is such a drag." GROAN.
• Yoda and a clone army! Just in the nick of time!
• War. Fighting. Explosions. Etc, etc.
• Death Star schematics!
• That is the least manly vehicle ever, Count. It looks like a hover Vespa.
• I wish Natalie would put a whole shirt on. I'm trying to enjoy ice cream and she's making me want to do sit-ups instead.
• I'm expecting a big fight from the Count. OH, SNAP. He did not disappoint.
• Double light saber!
• Back down to one!
• Arm cut off!
• YODA FIGHT?!
• That is one angry Muppet.
• How does everyone keep saying Dooku without giggling?!
• Bahahahaha this is the most adorable light saber fight ever.

• I knew that dude was bad.
• "Begun the Clone War has." Dear Lord, I hope it's actually the end of this film though. I need to go to bed.
• Mawwiage. Pretty dress! Pretty lame kiss!

• He's smiling and she looks like "what have I done?"

In conclusion, this movie was long, tedious, confusing, and lacked the endearing qualities of the original two that I've seen. Oh, hey, that was my conclusion from Episode I as well. I did thoroughly enjoy the fight between Dooku and Yoda though - it almost made it worth watching. Almost. Also, I now understand why we haven't seen much of Hayden Christenson, bless his heart. Perfect teeth will only get you so far in Hollywood. 

Easter People Devotionals Day 23

For an explanation of this series, click here. To see a collection of all the Devotionals in the series so far, click here.

Day 23: An Easter People Devotional for Epiphany

Surely God is With us | Rich Mullins 1865

Well, who's that man who thinks He's a prophet?
Well, I wonder if He's got something up His sleeve
Where's He from?
Who is His daddy?
There's rumors He even thinks Himself a king
Of a kingdom of paupers
Simpletons and rogues
The whores all seem to love Him
And the drunks propose a toast
And they say, "Surely God is with us.
Well, surely God is with us."
They say, "Surely God is with us today!"
Who's that man who says He's a preacher?
Well, He must be, He's disturbing all our peace
Where's He get off, and what is He hiding
And every word He says those fools believe
Who could move a mountain
Who would love their enemy
Who could rejoice in pain
And turn the other cheek
And still say, "Surely God is with us, Well, surely God is with us, "
Who'll say, "Surely God is with us today, today!"
They say, "Surely God is with us Well, surely God is with us"
They say, "Surely God is with us"
Blessed are the poor in spirit
Heaven belongs to them Blessed are those who make peace
They are God's children I Am the Bread of Life, and the Way"
You hear that Man, believe what He says!
Tell me, who's that Man, they made Him a prisoner
They tortured Him and nailed Him to a tree
Well if He's so bad, who did He threaten?
Did He deserve to die between two thieves?
See the scars and touch His wounds
He's risen flesh and bone
Now the sinners have become the saints
And the lost have all come home
And they say, "Surely God is with us (Surely God is with us)
Well, surely God is with us,